Steroids: Not Just for Baseball Players!

Hot on the release of the fourth installment of the Rambo series, Sylvester Stallone has devoted himself to social and medical activism. In the wake of recent controversy in baseball over illicit use of the federally controlled substance Human Growth Hormone, or HGH, Stallone has decided that it's time to let the world know just how valuable the drug really is. According to Stallone, who used HGH to hone his physique for the new Rambo film, "HGH is nothing" and "Anyone who calls it a steroid is grossly misinformed." Stallone's right. Are we going to start calling every artificial supplement that makes your muscles larger a steroid? I think not. What's next? Is weight-lifting a steroid, too? Please.

Not only is HGH unfairly maligned, says Stallone, but its positive health effects are underrated: "Testosterone to me is so important for a sense of well-being when you get older." He continues, "Everyone over 40 years old would be wise to investigate it because it increases the quality of your life." He then grew angry, screaming "God! Why does everyone hate HGH?!? I can't take it anymore!!!" before tearing his living room apart and strangling his pet dog, Lil' HGH, to death.

I know Stallone doesn't promote HGH for the money, I mean, he's a man of principle after all. But I bet he could make a killing turning his steroid, er, HGH activism into a feature film. It would be one of those Good Night and Good Luck or Lions for Lambs kind of things.

Title: Rambo V: Human Growth War-Zone
Rating: R (of course)
Release Date: December 10

Plot:

John Rambo thought he had faced his last and worst enemy when he escorted helpless peace keepers into Myanmar. But on December 10, he'll discover that nothing could have prepared him for his most cunning, well-trained foe yet . . . a congressional subcommittee. When Congress decides to hold hearings on steroid abuse in sport, Rambo decides to stay on the sidelines until one of his best friends -- HGH -- is taken hostage by loose legislative rhetoric. With no where to turn and nothing to lose, Rambo decides to take up arms and clear HGH's name . . . by any means necessary. Just like a dense jungle, he must hack through reason and sound medical science with a sharp machete of ignorance. When Senators refuse to listen to high-volume, irrational ranting, Rambo knows there's only one way out: gratuitous violence. If the tree of liberty must be watered with the blood of patriots, then this December it's monsoon season.

When no one would stand up for Human Growth Hormone, only one man had the shrunken testicles to do the right thing.

John Rambo is back and this time he's ready to veto Congress . . . every single one of them.

What's in a Name? Answer: Profit

While all authors are entitled to the full protection of the law when they place their work under copyright, it is not possible to copyright actual titles. This has Raymond Sokolov, a distinguished restaurant and food critic for the Wall Street Journal, acting a little grumpy in the wake of a new cookbook called The Saucier’s Apprentice: One Long Strange Trip Though the Great Cooking Schools of Europe. He's upset because 30 years ago he published a book entitled -- you guessed it -- The Saucier’s Apprentice: A Modern Guide to Classic French Sauces for the Home.

Sokolov's complaint is not that he should have exclusive rights to just any title, especially if it's a common word or phrase. Instead, he's a bit miffed that the new book, by Bob Spitz, steals his unique play on words. Sokolov bitterly expressed the hope that "a confused buying public will buy my 'Saucier’s Apprentice' instead of Spitz's" and, when asked if he has a new book in the works, joked, "I am thinking about one, and maybe I should call it 'The Da Vinci Code.'"

For his part, Spitz offered only a cryptically inadequate self-defense: "I interviewed a lot of people in the food industry for my book and not one of them mentioned there was already something else with that title. I thought it was a stroke of genius, but as it turns out it was Ray Sokolov’s stroke of genius."

Man, if only we had some kind of worldwide network that contained information on things like books so you wouldn't just have to rely on the information available to individual people! In fact, it would be great if you could search this network for the title 'The Saucier's Apprentice' and the first thing that came up would be Sokolov's book! If that were true and Spitz still didn't change the title, we would have to come up with some crazy theory, like his sinister publisher said "Hey, this guy's book came out 30 years ago and you can't copyright titles, anyway. Also, I see big money in the whole Harry Potter tie-in."

Sokolov shouldn't get mad though. This is just how the sauce pours. Instead, he should get even. I recommend he re-release The Saucier's Apprentice with a new title. My thoughts:

Get Saucy

The Unbearable Lightness of Sauce

No Love Sauced

Who's the Sauce?

Don't Sauce Me

Your Gain Is My Sauce

Sauce, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

A Tale of Two Sauces

The Taming of the Sauce

Pride and Sauce

Dr. Sauce-vago

Crime and Sauce

A Passage to Sauce

For Whom the Sauce Boils

OK, maybe I'm going overboard . . .

Blood Debt: The Final Payment

Among documentary offerings at this year's Sundance Film Festival is Patrick Creadon's new film, I.O.U.S.A. about the United States national debt. The film, which Reuters reporter Mary Milliken said "may not be the sexiest film" at Sundance, nonetheless has a chance to "be to the U.S. economy what 'An Inconvenient Truth' was to the environment" (just like Indian Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark was to semitic relics what Back to the Future III was to time travel, right?).

But this is my favorite part of the article:

DEBT CAN BE FUNNY?

It also brings in leading economic figures like billionaire investor Warren Buffett and former U.S. Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill to sound their warnings, and it creates some comic moments with clips from comedian Steve Martin.

While making the film in 2006, Creadon and his team had to deal with the rapid deterioration of the U.S. economy as the subprime mortgage lending crisis hit major banks and sent home foreclosure rates soaring.

As a result, many of the documentary's doomsday scenarios, which had been discussed in future tense, were actually happening as they edited the movie.

Subprime mortgage crisis? Doomsday scenarios? Yes, debt can be funny!

My real gripe with this article is that I think Milliken is wrong to insinuate that debt isn't sexy enough. Frankly, I think this movie would be much better as an action-thriller than as documentary . . .

Jack Bauer was the FBI's most skilled agent. But no amount of fanatical terrorism could have prepared him for the ultimate foe. With government spending at an all time high thanks to the limited skirmish in the Gulf, Bauer must race against the national debt before it spirals out of control. Meanwhile, a pack of Chinese government agents attempts to stop him from financing the debt so China can maintain its stranglehold on U.S. monetary instruments. It will take all his guile -- and Quickbooks -- to open up a massive can of fiscal responsibility.

This fall, see Kiefer Sutherland in 24 Trillion: "My name is Jack Bauer and this is the largest debt of my life."

Power Rankings: Books

As always, weekly sales figures don't tell the whole story . . .

1.) People of the Book, by Geraldine Brooks (NYT chart position: #3)
NYT description: "A rare-book expert unlocks the secrets of a medieval manuscript."

• Apparently, this book is actually a historical glimpse at an illuminated Hebrew manuscript. That's really too bad, because I think it would make a great action novel: "Thomas Power wasn't your average rare-book expert, not with his dark brown hair and handsome regard. He could sweep any antiquarian who might stumble into his shop right off her classically minded feet. And books weren't the only thing he liked rare . . ."

2.) Blasphemy, by Douglas Preston (NYT chart position: #4)
NYT description: "A C.I.A. operative tracks scientists with a huge supercollider who are poised to discover the secret of creation."

• Why would you need to "track" someone with a supercollider? It's not like you could hide one. They're miles long. "What's that in his pocket? Wait! It's the supercollider! Quick! Stop that man with the supercollider!"

3.) The Shooters, by W.E.B. Griffen (NYT chart position: #6)
NYT description: "An Army officer on the trail of a missing drug enforcement agent is undermined by the military and intelligence communities."

• By constantly questioning his judgment, especially in the presence of the fugitive DEA agent, they eventually force him into years of painful therapy.

4.) Double Cross, by James Patterson (NYT chart position: #7)
NYT description: "Alex Cross and his new girlfriend, a police detective, confront a boastful Washington killer."

• How convenient! It's a match made in forced-plot-device-heaven.

5.) The Senator's Wife, by Sue Miller (NYT chart position: #10)
NYT description: "A woman lives with her husband's persistent infidelity."

• You know, when are we going to start getting the male perspective on his acts of infidelity? Sheesh.
  

Oliver Stone Running Short on Heads of State

I'm a little tight on time today. Fortunately, this article has absolved me of any need to write a substantial post. Apparently, Oliver Stone is already finishing a script on the Bush presidency (does Stone know the Bush presidency isn't over? Or is that the point?). In an interview, Stone said he planned to make the film "a fair, true portrait" of Bush.

What a relief! Here I thought history would remember Iraq as a titanic debacle! Thanks, Mr. Stone, for securing Bush's legacy.

Stone also told reporters that the film "will contain surprises for Bush supporters and his detractors." What does that mean? Is there something about the Bush presidency we don't already know? Does he have a third nipple or something? As a Bush detractor, that would shock me.

Since this means it's ok to write a presidential biopic before the president's term is over, I suggest Stone also script films about the tenures of Obama, H. Clinton, Huckabee and Romney, respectively. That way, if we decide in the future that whoever is elected has been a total failure, we can just escape into the films about the people we didn't vote for and think about how good things would have been.

Even better, we could have candidates run for office, then run against their films after 4 years . . .

In other news, the Supreme Court decided yesterday that Al Gore could not demand a recount in Florida after his defeat in a closely contest election to the Oliver Stone film, Al Gore: Hanging Like a Chad in the Wind. When contacted for comment, the film rambled on for 3 hours and then descended into madness.

Weekly Hebdomad

How could I devote this Week's Hebdomad to anything other than the new Paris Hilton film, The Hottie and the Nottie? It's destined to be an instant classic.

7.) Weekly "Mailed in the Promo Copy":

It sure sounds interesting -- I wonder how it ends:

Nate Cooper (Joel David Moore) has been smitten with Cristabel Abbott (Paris Hilton) since he first laid eyes on her at the impressionable age of six. But before he could try and snuggle up to her at nap time, or maybe send her a valentine, his family moved away. In the intervening years there have been other women in Nate’s life, but none who could measure up to Cristabel. Convinced she’s the only girl for him, Nate decides to move back to L.A. and track her down. The good news: she’s still single and stunning. The bad news: there’s a reason she’s still single. Cristabel’s still best friends with the same ugly little girl Nate remembers from first grade, JUNE PHIGG (Christine Lakin). The two are inseparable. They live together. They go to yoga together. They would even go on double dates together…if only June could get a date. And Cristabel simply refuses to leave dear June home alone. Determined to spend as much time as possible with Cristabel, Nate sets out to find a boyfriend for June. But even when he pays them, guys all flee at the sight of her. And then it hits him: June needs a makeover. But as Nate and June become friends and she emerges from her cocoon, Nate slowly realizes that the girl of his dreams isn’t the hottie at all. It’s the nottie — who turns out to be something of a hottie herself.

Oh, that's how it ends. Thanks. I guess.

6.) Weekly "Well, Now We Have to See the Trailer!":



5.) Weekly "Christine Lakin Reunion Tour Update":

The hideous co-star of The Hottie and the Nottie is none other than Christine Lakin, known to Trivial Pursuit champions as "Al" from Step by Step. Lakin fell off the radar for a few (10) years, but she's hot on the comeback trail. Last January she was in a Budweiser commercial and now she's in a Paris Hilton movie. What's next? My money says she fades into a bunch of B-grade roles before resigning herself to soft core pornography.

4.) Weekly "Speaking of Step by Step . . .":

Whatever happened to Christopher Castile? He hasn't done anything since Step by Step. Take a cue from Lakin, dude, and get your career back together.

(I don't really care about Castile. The truth is that I wanted an excuse to post this picture: "This show is terrible! I want to fire my agent!")

3.) Weekly "Self-Fulfilling Prophecy":

Director Tom Putnam began his career with the widely acclaimed short film Tom Hits His Head about Putnam's own bout with chronic anxiety after suffering a head injury. He's considering filming a sequel in the wake of The Hottie and the Nottie entitled Tom Hits His Head Repeatedly Against a Wall: How The Hottie and the Nottie Ruined My Career, Stole My Girlfriend and Gave Me Herpes.

2.) Weekly "You're Just an Actor":

The film's leading man, Joel Moore, has recently co-written, co-directed, and starred in the film Spiral. Here's a synopsis:

The film revolves around a reclusive telemarketer (Joel Moore), whose dysfunctional friendship with his boss (Zachary Levi) is alleviated when a whimsical co-worker (Amber Tamblyn) enters his life. But as he begins to sketch his new friend's portrait, disturbing feelings from his past threaten to lead him down a path of destruction.

Moore considered other titles for the film, including Downward Spiral and Smashing You Over the Head with the Meaning of the Film. Spiral prevailed in a close race.

1.) Weekly "Don't Worry, We'll Get to Ms. Hilton":

Paris is slated to appear in this film, a rock opera about organ harvesting. Um, wow:

Pashtun Polo

So I had no idea that Pashtuns have been playing polo for hundreds of years. In fact, I didn't even know polo had its origins in pre-Christ Persia. Basically, there's a lot I don't know. But if there's one thing I do know, it's how to turn new information into cash. Enter the polo, baby . . .

(Tang Dynasty polo players. Like equality, polo came quite late to England.)

Title: Chukk It Like Chinar
Release Date: April 20, 2008

Plot:

Dagar, a young Pashtun living in war devastated Afghanistan, spent his whole life looking for a way out. One day, when a British officer sees Dagar and his friends play the ancient game of polo, he asks them to play a friendly match against other British soldiers who played polo during their schoolboy days. At first the British troops scoff at the unorthodox style of play used by Dagar and his friends, but when the boys pull off a stunning upset, they win the trust and friendship of the British.

Word about the match spreads and the British government soon invites Dagar's polo team to tour Great Britain as a friendship building exercise. Dagar greets the tour as the opportunity he always wanted to see the world, but he soon realizes that he is caught in a diplomatic performance more complicated than he could have imagined. Once a boy who simply loved polo, Dagar finds himself transformed into a puppet for the British and Afghan governments.

Meanwhile, the Eton polo team, determined to show the Afghans that the British are the preeminent polo nation of the 21st century, try and win their match against Dagar's squad . . . by any means necessary. Instead of playing an honest game of polo, Dagar must fend off threats from all sides, all while trying to win the heart of the beautiful and mysterious Amelia Rigglesby, the Eton student assigned to accompany the Afghan team on their tour.

It was an attempt to forge peace. Instead, it became a war. This April, four boys from the mountains of Afghanistan discover what happens when the game they love brings out the worst kind of hate. In a foreign land, without friends or allies, they come together as brothers to show the world what they -- and their horses -- are made of. Are you ready to get your Pol-ON?

Saving the Series: Slush Hour

As loyal readers of Creative Differences know, I occasionally offer advice on how to resuscitate a previously successful franchise that has fallen on hard times. I wouldn't have guessed, but it seems like the most recent candidate for renovation is the Rush Hour franchise. Take a look at production vs. gross for the three films to date:

Rush Hour (1998)
Production Budget: $33,000,000
Worldwide Gross: $244,386,864

Rush Hour 2 (2001)
Production Budget: $90,000,000
Worldwide Gross: $347,325,802

Rush Hour 3 (2007)
Production Budget: $140,000,000
Worldwide Gross: $255,044,035

I'm sure there are a bunch of things in play here that I don't know much about, like inflation, promotional costs, etc. That aside, the net differential between production and gross looks like this:

Rush Hour - $211,386,864

Rush Hour 2 - $207,325,802

Rush Hour 3 - $115,044035

It's hard to argue with the decline between Rush Hour and Rush Hour 2. After all, $350 million is a lot of money. But the nearly $100 million drop in gross between the second and third installments of the series should concern New Line executives. If they want to maintain the same budget, they need to find a way to generate a better return. Would you want to confront Chris Tucker about a pay cut for Rush Hour 4?



As always, Creative Differences is willing to drop some knowledge on the poor, maligned media execs, especially in this time of crisis. In order to figure out just what kind of changes might catapult the next Rush Hour film back into the stratosphere, let's first identify the immovable objects in the franchise.

Front Line Talent

There's no changing the stars. Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker are the Rush Hour franchise and any film will revolve around them. Who else but this duo could thrill and entertain audiences through a series of zany, action packed antics, bringing new life to that favorite trope, "Obnoxious East Meets Shrill West?"


Enemies

The Chinese Triads cause all the world's problems in this series. In the first film they worked with a former British official of Hong Kong to steal priceless art. Then they were part of a major counterfeiting conspiracy in Rush Hour 2. Finally, they attempted to assassinate a Chinese consul to the United States when he threatened to reveal information that would unravel their worldwide leadership structure. If Chan and Tucker kick any ass in the last film, it's going to be Triad ass.

Style

All three films fall into the action-comedy genre. We don't just want an exciting melee between two maverick cops and the most threatening henchmen the Chinese underworld has to offer, we also expect a series of racial jokes that show us no matter how different Chinese and African-American people may seem, they're really just the same. With hilarious consequences!


Fun Locales

Los Angeles, Hong Kong, Las Vegas, Paris. It's safe to say the next film won't take place in Trenton.

(We may seem different, but once you replace the old stereotypes with new ones, we're exactly the same!)

We have the pieces in place, so what's to be done? My proposal . . .

Title: Rush Hour 4: Merry Rushmas
Release date: December 25, 2008

Plot:

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring not even a . . . Chinese Triad assassin?!? It's Christmas Eve in London and all seems well until an attempt on the life of Jackie Chan's old friend, former Hong Kong Police Chief Qwon, who now heads an international task force to curb the worldwide influence of Chinese organized crime. While it's no mystery why the Triads would want Qwon out of the picture, it becomes clear that the assassin has help from one of Qwon's own bodyguards. With no one he can trust, Qwon looks to the ultimate outsider: his old friend, Chief Inspector Lee (Chan). Lee rushes to Qwon's aid only to stumble upon Los Angeles Police Detective James Carter (Tucker) on vacation in London.

Together, the two must track down the traitor while fighting in a series of improbable battles across London, all of which require Lee to employ innovative martial arts moves and creative use of everyday objects. Meanwhile, Carter -- in a desperate effort to crack the case -- does his best to harass all the women he encounters through a series of lewd and suggestive pick-up lines that would likely be illegal in many countries.

This Christmas, Lee and Carter team-up once again, this time to deliver a royal ass-kicking in the heart of merry olde England! Rush Hour 4, it's time to get medieval -- Kung Fu style!

Aaaaaannnndddd . . . we're back!

Yes, Creative Differences has returned to the air, er, internet waves. See below for the first post of the new year. Be sure to check back every weekday for updates!

Power Rankings: 'Twas the Season . . .

How can we start the new year here at Creative Differences without taking a look back at all the huge holiday releases? As Hollywood learned long ago, nothing says "Hey hey! Jesus is born!" like a blockbuster action film. That's why the elves of the editing room and the santas of sound work tirelessly each year to deliver bloated, over-budgeted goodies to our 20 screen multiplex stockings. (Note: stockings cost $10, seniors $8. Coal is an additional $4 for a medium, $6 for large with free refills).

I was worried it would be tough to dig up info on release dates for various Christmas films, but -- lo and behold -- "Holiday Movies" do really constitute an American tradition. Thanks, Entertainment Weekly.com!

1. The Golden Compass (worldwide gross to date: $301,364,818)

• Based on Philip Pullman's wildly popular His Dark Materials trilogy, this film only grossed $67,513,776 in the United States, versus $233,851,042 worldwide. I guess that means Americans are far less nerdy than the rest of the world. So quit yapping about Iraq you international dweebs! Foreign occupation is the coolest! (And, uh, we'll be needing that lunch money of yours to fund it).

2. I Am Legend (worldwide gross to date: $461,683,451)

• This film, based on a classic sci-fi novel of the same name, is about a miracle cure for cancer that mutates into a virus and kills most of the human population, while transforming the remaining few into rabid monsters. Will Smith plays Robert Neville, a military doctor immune to the virus who desperately searches for a cure in a desolated New York. In pre-production, Smith was originally commissioned to compose the theme music for the film:

Now this is a story all about how
My life got flipped turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute just sit right there
I'll tell you all about how science recklessly introduced a deadly virus into the human population, killing most of it, robbing me of everything I love and forcing me into a tenuous existence among a pack of vampiric monsters . . .

3. National Treasure: Book of Secrets (worldwide gross to date: $289,196,904)

• We preemptively lampooned this film on Creative Differences months ago, but the truth is that the only secret worth investigating is who cut Nicholas Cage's hair. And Harvey Keitel's. No, seriously. What's the deal here?

4. Sweeney Todd (domestic gross to date: $44,053,400)

• On the perversity of releasing a blood spattered musical during the holidays, director Tim Burton admitted the film, a love story about a barber turned homicidal maniac, would be better suited to Valentine's Day: "For me, it sort of sums up relationships . . . Although people might be horrified by that." From most directors, Tim, you're probably right. But after Beetle Juice, Edward Scissorhands, and Corpse Bride, I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that we don't see eye to eye on relationships.

5. The Great Debaters (domestic gross to date: $25,633,630)

• Denzel Washington directs and stars in this inspiring true story of an all-black southern debate team coached by scholar and poet Melvin B. Tolson. A stirring racial epic, Washington actually resisted appearing in the film, but eventually cast himself due to funding concerns. Said Washington: "It's called money . . . They're not going to give enough money unless there's someone of a certain name to [act in] it." Yes, it's films like these that remind us of the many obstacles and prejudices money has had to overcome in running all facets of our lives.
  

On This Day

The following this happened throughout the course of history:

1877 - Thomas Edison demonstrates his phonograph for the first time.

 

1922 - Howard Carter opens the tomb of Pharaoh Tutankhamun to the public.

1934 - The Chicago Bears defeat the Detroit Lions 19-16 in the first nationally broadcasted game.

1963 - U.S. President Lyndon B. Johnson establishes the Warren Commission to investigate the assassination of President John F. Kennedy.

1990 - Gulf War: The United Nations Security Council passes United Nations Security Council Resolution 678, authorizing "use all necessary means to uphold and implement" United Nations Security Council Resolution 660 "to restore international peace and security" if Iraq did not withdraw its forces from Kuwait and free all foreign hostages by January 15, 1991.

 

As well as the following people were born:

1898 - C. S. Lewis, Irish writer (d. 1963)

1958 - Michael Dempsey, English musician (The Cure)

1961 - Tom Sizemore, American actor

1982 - Krystal Steal, American pornographic actress

 

All of these people are important enough to have wikipedia pages.

 

These people are the future (or where the future at some past point). 

 

This man is no Krystal Steal, but soon he can achieve that dream. They were born on the same day though, that's a start.