Power Rankings

A weekly look at the bestseller lists, arbitrarily reordered according to how they SHOULD be doing (with the main criterion being how quickly I can generate a mildly amusing one-liner)

Books

1. The Sanctuary, by Raymond Khoury (NYT chart position: #5)
NYT description: "A geneticist and a C.I.A. agent try to discover the meaning of a mysterious symbol connected to centuries of destruction."

• And when the symbol, which looks like this ---- takes over the identity of musical star Prince, they realize it may already be too late to save the world (the trouble of referring to Prince as "The Artist Formerly Known as Prince").
  

2. Sweet Revenge, by Diane Mott (NYT chart position: #6)
NYT description: "A former district attorney is found dead in a library, and the caterer Goldy Schulz thinks she knows the killer."

• Only her unique culinary expertise can crack the case and help police track down the killer, who leaves a piece of bland, stuffed chicken in the mouths of his victims. Jodie Foster is being considered for the film role.
  

3. Power Play, by Joseph Finder (NYT chart position: #7)
NYT description: "In this corporate thriller, armed men crash a wilderness retreat and take a company’s entire executive leadership hostage."

• In the exciting twist ending, the hostages learn that the whole ordeal was just an elaborate corporate team-building exercise and laud it as the "best retreat ever." They return home ebullient, but are promptly fired due to strategic downsizing.
  

4. Still Summer, by Jacquelyn Mitchard (NYT chart position: #20)
From Publisher's Weekly: "Bestselling Mitchard offers the harrowing tale of four women lost at sea and pitted against nature and a cohort of contemporary pirates. Tracy, Holly and Olivia have known each other since high school, when they were glamorous, popular troublemakers."

• This book sells well because even though readers may find the context unbelievable -- coming face to face modern day pirates -- they can identify with the characters. Wasn't everyone glamorous, popular and a huge troublemaker in high school? I know I associate my high school years with consequence free mischief, high self-esteem, legions of friends, and trend-setting style.
  

5. The Rest of Her Life, by Laura Moriarty (NYT chart position: #25)
From Publisher's Weekly: "When Kara accidentally hits and kills another high school girl with the family's car, Leigh is forced to confront her troubled relationship with her daughter, her resentment toward her husband (who understands Kara better) and her long-buried angst about her own neglectful mother."

• That seems intense, but I still say she got off easy. After all, she was able to avoid the the resentment of her victim's father and the not-so-long buried angst of the girl's grandmother. Nor did she have to confront the troubled relationship she had with the girl, one defined by Kara hitting her with a car and killing her.
  

Film

1. Halloween (August 31-September 3: #1, $31,012,000)
From the Yahoo description: "A new take on the legend and a new chapter in the Michael Myers 'Halloween' saga."

• What's the new take? Does Michael Myers NOT go on a murderous rampage? Is he, like, a member of Al Qaeda or something? No seriously, I'm all for mindless horror films, but let's call it like it is. This description should have read: "Michael Myers kills more B-grade actresses . . . mwa ha ha ha!"
  

2. Balls of Fury (August 31-September 3: #3, $13,837,000)
From the Yahoo description: "In the unsanctioned, underground, and unhinged world of extreme Ping-Pong, the competition is brutal and the stakes are deadly. Now, this outrageous new comedy serves up this secret world for the first time on-screen."

• What makes this comedy so outrageous? Is Hitler the villain, or maybe the hero? Perhaps the audience feels outraged at the ten bucks they dropped on a ticket. I dunno.
  

3. Mr. Bean's Holiday (August 31-September 3: #6, $8,101,000)
From the Yahoo description: "In his latest misadventure, Mr. Bean--the nearly wordless misfit who seems to be followed by a trail of pratfalls and hijinks--goes on holiday to the French Riviera and becomes ensnared in a European adventure of cinematic proportions."

• I love how the review tries to justify turning a series of unconnected sketches into an entire film: he "becomes ensnared" in an adventure of "cinematic proportions." What, was it just an accident? Did they start filming and realize "Oh God, the pratfalls, the hijinks, there's just too many of them!"? I can already see a production assistant running out of the studio covered in flames screaming, "Sweet Jesus, it's bigger than we thought! This project has taken on cinematic proportions!"
  

4. The Nanny Diaries (August 31-September 3: #7, $6,365,000)
From the Yahoo description: "A 21-year-old New York University student becomes a nanny to a family on the Upper East Side who turns out to be the family from hell."

• This film, starring Scarlett Johansson, was released on August 24, 2007. We'll also remember that as the day her career died. May she rest in peace and be perpetually lost in translation.
  

5. War (August 31-September 3: #9, $5,140,000)
From the Yahoo description: "After his partner is brutally murdered by the infamous assassin Rogue, FBI agent Jack Crawford vows to find the elusive killer and personally avenge his partner's death. But Rogue proves untraceable until three years later when he resurfaces to ignite a bloody turf war between Chinese mob leader Chang and Japanese Yakuza boss Shiro."

• On the eve of the confrontation between the two mobs, Crawford, now an abject alcoholic, is only a week away from retirement and remains haunted by his partner's death. When all signs point to Rogue's reappearance, Crawford realizes he must take on one last mission, a journey that brings him face to face with his partner's killer along with the worst enemy of all -- himself.