Power Rankings

After a one-week hiatus, Power Rankings is back! As always, it provides a weekly look at the bestseller lists, arbitrarily reordered according to how they SHOULD be doing (with the main criterion being how quickly I can generate a mildly amusing one-liner)

Books

1. You've Been Warned, by James Patterson and Howard Roughan (NYT chart position: #1)
NYT description: "An aspiring photographer working as a nanny and in love with the children’s father has terrible visions."

• If you're wondering why it took two people to write this book, you have to understand that the strategy of deciding each plot twist through a game of rock-paper-scissors requires two people.
  

2. Pontoon, by Garrison Keilor (NYT chart position: #3)
NYT description: "After the death of a good Lutheran lady in Lake Wobegon, her daughter learns about her secret life."

• She also unravels other mysteries about Lake Woebegon, such as why its news garners national coverage.
  

3. The Wednesday Letters, by Jason F. Wright (NYT chart position: #6)
NYT description: "Two brothers and a sister with complicated lives learn about their family’s past through love letters discovered after their parents’ deaths."

• Not to be prude, but isn't reading your parents' love letters right up there with walking in on them during sex?
  

4. The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, by Junot Diaz (NYT chart position: #13)
NYT description: "A Dominican-American in New Jersey struggles to escape a family curse."

• The curse? Living in New Jersey. The book is about Wao's escape . . . to Pennsylvania.
  

5. Heartsick, by Chelsea Cain (NYT chart position: #15)
From Publisher's Weekly: "A detective obsesses over the beautiful, sadistic serial killer who nearly tortured him to death."

• Look, I'm as willing to suspend disbelief as the next guy, but I have to believe there are some motivational problems here. I mean, this guy's friends have to be like, "Dude, that girl almost killed you . . . no, seriously, that time we went on a double-date, she actually stabbed you during dinner. It was gross. She also slept with your brother."
  

Film

1. Resident Evil: Extinction (September 21-23: #1, $23,678,580)
From the Yahoo description: "Alice, now in hiding in the Nevada desert, once again joins forces with Carlos Olivera and L.J., along with new survivors Claire, K-Mart and Nurse Betty to try to eliminate the deadly virus that threatens to make every human being undead . . . and to seek justice"

• Grammatically, that sentence implies: "the deadly virus that threatens" "to seek justice." I don't mean to knock the Yahoo copywriter, but I think he may have incidentally unraveled the Manichean conflict at the heart of the film.
  

2. Good Luck Chuck (September 21-23: #3, $13,652,001)
From the Yahoo description: "A man breaks up with his long-time girlfriend only to see her get engaged to the next guy she dates. The same pattern occurs with his next girlfriend, and continues to repeat. All of a sudden he finds himself becoming a lucky charm for women, who all want to date him. "

• The surprise twist is that the women who suddenly "all want to date him" are incredibly ugly . . . with hilarious consequences!
  

3. Eastern Promises (September 21-23: #6, $5,641,788)
From the Yahoo description: "A London midwife looks into the death of a patient which puts her in the sights of a Russian mobster."

• This is a pre-production rewrite of a screenplay entitled "Easter Promises," in which a London midwife's investigation into a painted egg puts her in the sights of America's most beloved holiday character. Viggo Mortensen as the rabid Easter Bunny.
  

4. Dragon Wars (September 21-23: #7, $2,596,278)
From the Yahoo description: "A beautiful young woman possesses the power to transform a legendary giant serpent into an almighty dragon who can only ascend into heaven with the woman's ultimate sacrifice."

• Guys, I just want you to know that this line doesn't work.
  

5. Shoot'em Up (September 21-23: #9, $784,491)
From the Yahoo description: "Mr. Smith, the angriest, most hardboiled man in the world, finds himself entrusted to protect the most innocent thing of all--a newborn child."

• But when the baby's fast cracking wit and streetwise antics take Smith off guard, he realizes he ended up with more than he bargained for. But this unlikely duo must take out an insane mob boss . . . before they take out each other! Hilarious, action filled, a rip-roaring romp, Shoot'em Up brings to the silver screen Hollywood's most outrageous team yet!