Boldly going where 10 other films have gone before

I was startled to read this article announcing that Eric Bana was selected to play the lead villain in the upcoming Star Trek film. Why? Well, certainly not because it's noteworthy that the wholesome and handsome Bana (who nevertheless should not be trusted because of his aptitude to transform into a green monster when angry) will appear in the film. If you can play Hector, then you can play a Star Trek villain, so long as you're noble and not treacherous.

What really surprised me is that there's a new Star Trek film in the works and I didn't even know about it. My nerd antennae are pretty well tuned to the dark nerd undercurrents flowing beneath the coke filled, surgically enhanced media mainstream. Needless to say, I'm pretty embarrassed.

To my delight, the tentative plot for the as yet untitled film revolves around a young Captain James T. Kirk during his student years at "Starfleet Academy." I love when movies go for the "young" angle, as if we're desperate to know just what the child versions of our imaginary heroes are like. To anyone who would say that such plots are derivative gimmicks that try and capitalize on the popularity of certain iconic action heroes, I offer a two-fold response. First, you're ugly. Second, you're telling me you didn't enjoy the opening to Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, when River Phoenix boldly recovered the "Cross of Coronado" from bandits? Yes, the odd aside seemed superfluous at the time, an attempt to work rising star Phoenix into the project, but how else would we have learned where Indy's hat originated?

Apparently, there is talk of actor Chris Pine to play Kirk. This would mark an interesting evolution for the Kirk role and I'm not sure if Pine can imitate William Shatner's bizarre vocal cadence and latex defying physique. Of course, a creative plot might easily dispense with these problems in a couple ways. First, they could have him zapped by some bizarro alien device
that messes up his speech permanently. I mean, it is Star Trek, right? Second, they could afflict him with an eating problem that has him constantly demanding pastries from the replicator, much to Spock's disgust.

(Captain, I find your habit of eating ham and swiss wedged between two jelly donuts most illogical.)

Of course, this wouldn't be Creative Differences if I didn't actually suggest a few plot ideas to the Star Trek XI production team. Obviously, the whole Starfleet Academy plot allows me to play with my favorite cinematic genre.

Star Trek XI: Starfleet Academy: In the classic Police Academy mold, this film captures all the zany pranks and hijinks that abound at Starfleet Academy. That's right, Spock getting swirlies, Kirk smuggling in beer, and everyone trying to get laid. Steve Guttenberg cameos as an instructor.

Star Trek XI: Fast Times at Starfleet Academy: same as above, only slightly more serious and sexual.

Star Trek XI: Bring the Final Frontier On: Spock wants to cheerlead for Starfleet Academy, Scotty won't let him, Kirk just wants to get laid. All three are about to embark on one wild ride to the Intergalactic Cheerleading Championships. Hearts will be broken, love will bloom, Kirk will not get laid.

Star Trek XI: 10 Things I Hate about Starfleet Academy: Spock wants Kirk. Kirk wants Sulu. Sulu just wants to graduate. And Starfleet Academy is about to go under. Can Uhura come up with a plan to save the Academy and make sure everyone finds true love?

Star Trek XI: The Replicator Club: Kirk is a brooding loner, a maverick who can't handle authority. Spock just wants to be cool, but studies to win dad's approval. Uhura is tired of being so popular. Scotty's accent is really annoying. But when all four of them are stuck cleaning the replicators one morning before breakfast, they learn they're not all so different . . . and that life isn't so bad.