Fairy Times at Ridgemont High

The film Sydney White, in recent release, is a remake of the Disney seven dwarf laden interpretation of the classic Brothers Grimm fairytale "Snow White," but set on a modern day college campus as opposed to medieval "somewhere in Europe" (personally, my favorite country to visit). In this retelling, Sydney White, a less than fresh-faced Amanda Bynes, faces down an evil sorority sister with the help of seven nerds and some coed Prince Charming. This made me think of other high school/college based remakes of either fairy tales or classic dramatic/cinematic works: A Cinderella Story ("Cinderella"), Clueless (Jane Austen's Emma), 10 Things I Hate about You (Shakespeare's Taming of the Shrew), and Cruel Intentions (Laclos's Les liasons dangereuses, the Hampton play of the same title, and, finally, the Frears film), to name a few.

Does situating these stories in a late-adolescent context add something to either them or to the works which they adapt? The answer is yes: it allows us to ogle strapping young men and women, giggle at teenage hijinks and wallow in nostalgia for our own jejune days. Frankly, I have little doubt that Shakespeare would have preferred to cast Bynes, Sarah Michelle-Gellar, Joseph Gordon-Levitt or any other contemporary thespian with a hyphenated last name in one of his great works. The only exclusion from this heralded cast would probably have been noted Creative Differences enemy Julia Stiles. (Damn you, Stiles, for ruining the Bourne Ultimatum!)

The logical question is, of course, what other fairy tales, plays, etc. would best join the hallowed halls of Remake High?

Original: Sleeping Beauty
New Title: Sleeping Trudy
Plot: Trudy is just your average, good looking coed about to begin her Freshman year at Texas FTPYL&M. Unfortunately, Penelope Perch, a cold hearted sorority overlord, is jealous of Trudy's good features and quiet self-confidence. At a Freshman week frat party, Perch spikes Trudy's punch with meth, which sends Trudy into a deep, drug induced, months long sleep. Eric Charming, studying to be an EMT, finds Trudy 8 weeks later in the frat house and takes her to the local hospital. Her condition is stable, but doctors are unable to rouse her out of her narcotic slumber. Eric, swayed by a strange sense of devotion, sits by her bedside for weeks and soon falls in love. Eventually, in a moment of indiscretion, he kisses her lightly on the lips. This act miraculously wakes Trudy who, stunned by the stranger kissing her, files sexual assault charges. Eric is acquitted, but expelled from FTPYL&M along with Perch, who is busted by the campus police in possession of meth. Together, they form a perfect, bitter cohort for the exciting revenge sequel, Sleeping Trudy: The Nightmare Continues.

Tagline: College moves fast. Stay awake for it.

Original: Hamlet
New Title: To Be or Not to Be in High School
Plot: Hammond Prince was your ordinary junior at Denmark High until one day his father is found poisoned in the back of their Pacific Palisades mansion. Hammond's mom seems less than torn up about it and, only a few weeks later, is spotted dating the father of Hammond's arch rival, high school quarterback John Claudius. Meanwhile, Hammond secretly falls in love with Ophelia, captain of the cheerleading team, who herself has decided to relinquish earthly delights and abscond to a nunnery. Along with his best friends, Ross and Gill, Hammond has to outwit Claudius, disentangle the mystery surrounding his father's death, and win Ophelia's heart . . . all while dodging new Principle Fortinbras, who appears to have it out for Hammond. Needless to say, zany hijinks ensue.

Tagline: Something's rotten in Denmark High . . . and no, it's not the cafeteria food.

Original: Don Quixote
New Title: The Oldest Yard
Plot: All Don wanted was to quarterback the high school football team and date the captain of the cheerleading squad. He had the best arm, knew all the plays, and could throw touchdown passes in his sleep. There was just one problem. He was 70. But now, he's breaking all the rules and going back to high school for one last season. Along with exchange student Sancho Panza, Don will try and lead the La Mancha Eagles against their rivals, the West Baymont High Windmills, in the biggest game of his life. Things get really hairy when his prostate starts acting up.

Tagline: They say experience is everything . . .