Weekly Plot

Before I dive into the "Weekly Plot," a few quick notes. First, content should be returning to "normal" levels after a fairly spotty few weeks. Apologies to my 0.5 readers. Second, the new content frequency "plan," formulated by the Creative Differences Board of Trustees, calls for posts Monday - Friday, which is when most of my aforementioned 0.5 readers are at work anyway. Therefore, "Weekly Plot" will go up on Mondays now and probably be attended by another post when possible. "Power Rankings" will live on as a Tuesday tradition. The other days, who knows? I'm crazy. I could do anything. Anything.

Without further ado, this week's plot:

[Insert sport] was everything in Small American Town (SAT). The [insert key position player] was the most popular person at the SAT High or SAT State University and everyone in SAT attended games. Suddenly, Tragedy strikes, thrusting SAT into period of mourning and leaving [insert sport] team's season in jeopardy. Under-appreciated Marginal Team Member (MTM) is forced to play a larger role on the team, either physically or emotionally. With a [insert game of crucial importance to season] in doubt, MTM rallies the team and helps SAT collectively heal from the wounds inflicted by Tragedy. MTM becomes a hero and everyone learns that life is about more than just [insert sport].

Fairy Times at Ridgemont High

The film Sydney White, in recent release, is a remake of the Disney seven dwarf laden interpretation of the classic Brothers Grimm fairytale "Snow White," but set on a modern day college campus as opposed to medieval "somewhere in Europe" (personally, my favorite country to visit). In this retelling, Sydney White, a less than fresh-faced Amanda Bynes, faces down an evil sorority sister with the help of seven nerds and some coed Prince Charming. This made me think of other high school/college based remakes of either fairy tales or classic dramatic/cinematic works: A Cinderella Story ("Cinderella"), Clueless (Jane Austen's Emma), 10 Things I Hate about You (Shakespeare's Taming of the Shrew), and Cruel Intentions (Laclos's Les liasons dangereuses, the Hampton play of the same title, and, finally, the Frears film), to name a few.

Does situating these stories in a late-adolescent context add something to either them or to the works which they adapt? The answer is yes: it allows us to ogle strapping young men and women, giggle at teenage hijinks and wallow in nostalgia for our own jejune days. Frankly, I have little doubt that Shakespeare would have preferred to cast Bynes, Sarah Michelle-Gellar, Joseph Gordon-Levitt or any other contemporary thespian with a hyphenated last name in one of his great works. The only exclusion from this heralded cast would probably have been noted Creative Differences enemy Julia Stiles. (Damn you, Stiles, for ruining the Bourne Ultimatum!)

The logical question is, of course, what other fairy tales, plays, etc. would best join the hallowed halls of Remake High?

Original: Sleeping Beauty
New Title: Sleeping Trudy
Plot: Trudy is just your average, good looking coed about to begin her Freshman year at Texas FTPYL&M. Unfortunately, Penelope Perch, a cold hearted sorority overlord, is jealous of Trudy's good features and quiet self-confidence. At a Freshman week frat party, Perch spikes Trudy's punch with meth, which sends Trudy into a deep, drug induced, months long sleep. Eric Charming, studying to be an EMT, finds Trudy 8 weeks later in the frat house and takes her to the local hospital. Her condition is stable, but doctors are unable to rouse her out of her narcotic slumber. Eric, swayed by a strange sense of devotion, sits by her bedside for weeks and soon falls in love. Eventually, in a moment of indiscretion, he kisses her lightly on the lips. This act miraculously wakes Trudy who, stunned by the stranger kissing her, files sexual assault charges. Eric is acquitted, but expelled from FTPYL&M along with Perch, who is busted by the campus police in possession of meth. Together, they form a perfect, bitter cohort for the exciting revenge sequel, Sleeping Trudy: The Nightmare Continues.

Tagline: College moves fast. Stay awake for it.

Original: Hamlet
New Title: To Be or Not to Be in High School
Plot: Hammond Prince was your ordinary junior at Denmark High until one day his father is found poisoned in the back of their Pacific Palisades mansion. Hammond's mom seems less than torn up about it and, only a few weeks later, is spotted dating the father of Hammond's arch rival, high school quarterback John Claudius. Meanwhile, Hammond secretly falls in love with Ophelia, captain of the cheerleading team, who herself has decided to relinquish earthly delights and abscond to a nunnery. Along with his best friends, Ross and Gill, Hammond has to outwit Claudius, disentangle the mystery surrounding his father's death, and win Ophelia's heart . . . all while dodging new Principle Fortinbras, who appears to have it out for Hammond. Needless to say, zany hijinks ensue.

Tagline: Something's rotten in Denmark High . . . and no, it's not the cafeteria food.

Original: Don Quixote
New Title: The Oldest Yard
Plot: All Don wanted was to quarterback the high school football team and date the captain of the cheerleading squad. He had the best arm, knew all the plays, and could throw touchdown passes in his sleep. There was just one problem. He was 70. But now, he's breaking all the rules and going back to high school for one last season. Along with exchange student Sancho Panza, Don will try and lead the La Mancha Eagles against their rivals, the West Baymont High Windmills, in the biggest game of his life. Things get really hairy when his prostate starts acting up.

Tagline: They say experience is everything . . .

Power Rankings

After a one-week hiatus, Power Rankings is back! As always, it provides a weekly look at the bestseller lists, arbitrarily reordered according to how they SHOULD be doing (with the main criterion being how quickly I can generate a mildly amusing one-liner)

Books

1. You've Been Warned, by James Patterson and Howard Roughan (NYT chart position: #1)
NYT description: "An aspiring photographer working as a nanny and in love with the children’s father has terrible visions."

• If you're wondering why it took two people to write this book, you have to understand that the strategy of deciding each plot twist through a game of rock-paper-scissors requires two people.
  

2. Pontoon, by Garrison Keilor (NYT chart position: #3)
NYT description: "After the death of a good Lutheran lady in Lake Wobegon, her daughter learns about her secret life."

• She also unravels other mysteries about Lake Woebegon, such as why its news garners national coverage.
  

3. The Wednesday Letters, by Jason F. Wright (NYT chart position: #6)
NYT description: "Two brothers and a sister with complicated lives learn about their family’s past through love letters discovered after their parents’ deaths."

• Not to be prude, but isn't reading your parents' love letters right up there with walking in on them during sex?
  

4. The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, by Junot Diaz (NYT chart position: #13)
NYT description: "A Dominican-American in New Jersey struggles to escape a family curse."

• The curse? Living in New Jersey. The book is about Wao's escape . . . to Pennsylvania.
  

5. Heartsick, by Chelsea Cain (NYT chart position: #15)
From Publisher's Weekly: "A detective obsesses over the beautiful, sadistic serial killer who nearly tortured him to death."

• Look, I'm as willing to suspend disbelief as the next guy, but I have to believe there are some motivational problems here. I mean, this guy's friends have to be like, "Dude, that girl almost killed you . . . no, seriously, that time we went on a double-date, she actually stabbed you during dinner. It was gross. She also slept with your brother."
  

Film

1. Resident Evil: Extinction (September 21-23: #1, $23,678,580)
From the Yahoo description: "Alice, now in hiding in the Nevada desert, once again joins forces with Carlos Olivera and L.J., along with new survivors Claire, K-Mart and Nurse Betty to try to eliminate the deadly virus that threatens to make every human being undead . . . and to seek justice"

• Grammatically, that sentence implies: "the deadly virus that threatens" "to seek justice." I don't mean to knock the Yahoo copywriter, but I think he may have incidentally unraveled the Manichean conflict at the heart of the film.
  

2. Good Luck Chuck (September 21-23: #3, $13,652,001)
From the Yahoo description: "A man breaks up with his long-time girlfriend only to see her get engaged to the next guy she dates. The same pattern occurs with his next girlfriend, and continues to repeat. All of a sudden he finds himself becoming a lucky charm for women, who all want to date him. "

• The surprise twist is that the women who suddenly "all want to date him" are incredibly ugly . . . with hilarious consequences!
  

3. Eastern Promises (September 21-23: #6, $5,641,788)
From the Yahoo description: "A London midwife looks into the death of a patient which puts her in the sights of a Russian mobster."

• This is a pre-production rewrite of a screenplay entitled "Easter Promises," in which a London midwife's investigation into a painted egg puts her in the sights of America's most beloved holiday character. Viggo Mortensen as the rabid Easter Bunny.
  

4. Dragon Wars (September 21-23: #7, $2,596,278)
From the Yahoo description: "A beautiful young woman possesses the power to transform a legendary giant serpent into an almighty dragon who can only ascend into heaven with the woman's ultimate sacrifice."

• Guys, I just want you to know that this line doesn't work.
  

5. Shoot'em Up (September 21-23: #9, $784,491)
From the Yahoo description: "Mr. Smith, the angriest, most hardboiled man in the world, finds himself entrusted to protect the most innocent thing of all--a newborn child."

• But when the baby's fast cracking wit and streetwise antics take Smith off guard, he realizes he ended up with more than he bargained for. But this unlikely duo must take out an insane mob boss . . . before they take out each other! Hilarious, action filled, a rip-roaring romp, Shoot'em Up brings to the silver screen Hollywood's most outrageous team yet!
  

Surprise ending -- he cuts the discount rate . . . by 1/4 point!

Uh oh, it looks like those pesky news outlets are at it again, spoiling book endings before they ever hit the shelves. As the New York Times asks:

What does the currently ubiquitous Alan Greenspan have in common with George J. Tenet, Bob Woodward and Harry Potter?

Is that a rhetorical question? No? Well then, let me guess. They all have penises? Apparently, that's not it, as the Times continues:

In each case publishers prepared elaborate marketing plans to roll out their books under strict embargoes, hoping to control the books’ reception and focus attention at just the moment they hit store shelves. But each time, news organizations were able to buy early copies and write about the contents, creating a publisher’s nightmare of managing bruised relationships with other media outlets — or fans — that thought they had exclusive first rights to the material.

(bonus round: if that's what they have in common, which one is, you know, a little lacking in his "special area?")

(Alan Greenspan: 500 years young)

Who, precisely, is to blame for spilling the beans on these exciting tales of derring-do? As you suspected, one of the usual culprits:

The task of unveiling a big book— especially one with great news interest or enormous popular demand — has changed dramatically in recent years as players in an increasingly competitive news media seek to be the first to unveil content, and the Internet makes it more difficult to keep books under wraps.

Damn you, internet! First porn, then Facebook and now this. Can't you just leave us alone? Or at least just limit your content to this blog and YouTube?

Wait a minute, though, aren't I forgetting the real victim here? No, I'm not talking about Penguin Press, now unlikely to recoup the 8.5 million dollar advance it paid to Alan Greenspan, whose withered face suggests that most of the money will be spent by his progeny, or perhaps Ayn Rand's. I'm talking about the eager reader who picked up Greenspan's book, Age of Turbulence, excited to read it on the plane or during a vacation, only to have all the twists and turns spoiled by the Wall Street Journal's spread on the book, which ran before its release.

Everyone knows Greenspan's memoir is like a Grisham book or one of those double-cross filled heist movies: if you know the big twist, it sucks the fun out of the rest. For example, now I won't fall for all the red herrings and false clues, like when Greenspan describes equivocating over whether or not to cut interest rates or when he has violent debates with himself about which word to apply to the economy in his press conferences -- "robust" or "overheated?"

Here's a question for the internet and the journalists who use it in place of actually "investigating": what do Harry Potter, Alan Greenspan's exciting life, the Iraq war, and climate change have in common?

We don't want to know the ending.

In lieu of animals, PETA willing to treat humans like meat

In a People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) ad spot that recently debuted in the Houston area, Alicia Silverstone endorsed the vegetarian lifestyle while appearing in the nude (though her unmentionables were, of course, covered by strategically placed limbs). According to the Associated Press, PETA selected Houston "because it is often high on lists of cities with unhealthy eating habits." In some kind of unscientific poll conducted by Men's Fitness last year, Houston ranked as America's sixth fattest city, although Chicago remains the city most likely to be selected last in gym class.

Here's the ad:





What I find most shocking about the spot is not PETA's apparent willingness to combat animal exploitation through exploitation of humans, but their belief that Alicia Silverstone is sufficiently famous that the mere "sensational" act of her stripping is enough to garner support for vegetarianism. Her star has fallen so far, I'm actually stunned to learn that she hasn't appeared in pornography yet. In fact, I now think less of the vegetarian lifestyle if only because PETA could find no other celebrity to support it. You're telling me that Angelina Jolie won't speak out in favor of vegetarianism? What about Seann William Scott and his two n's? I'm sorry, PETA, but I'm going to need more than Alicia Silverstone to put down this delicious steak.

But if PETA can get away with this ad, it gives other washed up celebrities hope that they may also someday get paid a nominal fee to participate in social activism. For example:

• Jonathan Taylor Thomas for Habitat for Humanity
• John Stamos for VH1's Save the Music
  
• Matt LeBlanc, also for PETA

Apology for Lack of Content

I have been away from my usual happy hunting grounds. Will post more upon return later this week. As usual, Omar and The Rake have honored my absence by imitating it themselves.

Marketing Reality: Iraqiana

Some things would make awful movies. Good thing we have Hollywood!


Title: Iraqiana
Release Date: October 12
Rating: R

In a thriller as complex as the political world we inhabit, disparate actors from far flung corners of the globe fall prey to forces they can no more detect than comprehend. In Washington, Roy Willston (Matt Damon) is a young and earnest energy consultant trying to broker a viable oil strategy for Iraq. His mentor and State Department employer (Chris Cooper) will do anything to put a deal in place, no matter the consequences for Iraq. Meanwhile Iraqi oil minister Hussain Al-Khaliq (Tony Shaloub) must placate Sunni clerics who condemn any negotiations with Shiites. As Sunni attempts to thwart a compromise grow increasingly violent, Al-Khaliq confronts the ultimate dilemma when he discovers his own father, a fundamentalist imam, has masterminded terror attacks on Shiite civilians. Finally, Baban (insert random, vaguely Kurdish actor -- Leonardo DiCaprio?), a Kurdish peasant, is drawn into the fray when he tries to avenge his father's death at the hands of former Baathist leaders. Without anyone's knowledge or intent, all fates eventually intertwine as the oil deal evaporates in the chaos of post-war Iraq.

Everything divides them. Oil unites them . . . and ignites them.

Iraqiana

This fall, an attempt to secure the world's most valuable lubricant grinds to a halt . . .

Power Rankings

A weekly look at the bestseller lists, arbitrarily reordered according to how they SHOULD be doing (with the main criterion being how quickly I can generate a mildly amusing one-liner)

Books

1. The Wheel of Darkness, by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child (NYT chart position: #2)
NYT description: "A Tibetan abbot asks the F.B.I. agent Aloysius Pendergast to help recover a stolen relic with evil powers."

• But the partnership goes awry when the abbot, wearied by the agent's ungainly and ludicrous name, begins to refer to him by nicknames like "Alloy" and "Penderghastly."
  

2. Dark Possession, by Christine Freehan (NYT chart position: #3)
NYT description: "A Seattle counselor for battered women is wooed by a shape-shifter in Brazil; the 18th Carpathian novel."

• I don't care if he's sensitive, a good listener, can cook or is a God in bed, "shape-shifting" is a deal breaker. If I wake up in the morning with some girl cuddled up next to me in the form of a lemur or something, the seduction is over.
  

3. Bones to Ashes, by Kathy Reichs (NYT chart position: #4)
NYT description: "The forensic anthropologist Temperance Brennan is asked to examine the skeleton of a young girl in Canada, where, many years ago, her best friend disappeared."

• Man, I wonder if the skeleton is her friend. Wouldn't that be a surprise?
  

4. The Elves of Cintra, by Terry Brooks (NYT chart position: #5)
NYT description: "The second volume of the Genesis of Shannara series is set in postapocalyptic Seattle."

• This description is kind of confusing. "Postapocalyptic Seattle" actually refers to Seattle after 1992, when Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain were actually allowed to have a child.
  

5. Lord John and the Brotherhood of the Blade, by Diana Gabaldon (NYT chart position: #8)
NYT description: "During the Seven Years’ War, Lord John Grey is haunted by his father’s murder 17 years earlier."

• This book is actually a powerful tale about being haunted by the past. For example, while Lord John is busy being haunted by his father's murder, all the peasants he conscripted into his army are haunted by the war that has been going on for seven goddamn years.

Note: due to the low volume of new releases in recent weeks, there will be no Film Power Rankings this week. Instead, enjoy the new Iron Man trailer. The rumor is that Robert Downey, Jr.'s salary was paid in coke.

Here's the medium sized trailer.

Manning's decision to attend UT over Ole 'Miss belies racial ignorance

Peyton Manning was the lone male member of the Manning clan (yes, I'll avoid the obvious pun) to have played his college football anywhere but Ole 'Miss. A tremendous quarterback at Tennessee, Manning has gone on to an even more successful professional career in the NFL and led the Indianapolis Colts to victory in last year's Superbowl. His great accomplishments on the field, awkwardly large head and generally uncharismatic demeanor make him the perfect candidate for a major advertising campaign, and if you weren't sick of his MasterCard and Sprint spots last year, then you probably weren't watching television.

(look at that noggin' -- it's as big as a football!)

Earlier today, I saw Manning's latest MasterCard commercial, part of the new "Manning's Priceless Pep Talks" campaign. In the ads, Manning delivers a pep talk that addresses whatever ails you, sort of like the pep talk he gave his offensive line after a playoff loss to Pittsburgh.

I would have embedded a clip of the new ad spot, but I couldn't find it online yet. However, here is a synopsis of the first "Pep Talk" commercial, called "Social Life," from YahooFinance:

In "Social Life," Manning attempts to help out the socially inept by enlisting a teammate (Derek) to demonstrate a few dance moves that should prove useful when out on the town.

"Social life in the dumps?" Manning asks. "Maybe what you need is a few new dance moves. Hey Derek, show 'em what you got."

At this point Manning's teammate Derek begins his dance but is quickly told to shut it down when Peyton thinks he is going a bit too far. "Alright stop. Stop, that's enough. Seriously, you're gonna hurt yourself."

What the brief recap doesn't mention is that "Derek" is African-American. Am I the only one who finds this advertisement incredibly disturbing? I don't want to indulge in any stereotyping of my own and suggest that Southerners are any more racist than Northerners (despite the snarky title to my post), but a commercial that revolves around Manning and his thick southern accent lauding the dance moves of a black teammate whom he can literally order in and out of the practice seems a little dicey.

I always thought that ad companies tend to err on the side of caution when it comes to the fuzzy line separating the politically correct from the offensive (except for gender, where "caution" equals "sexism"). Frankly, I'm surprised that MasterCard was so cavalier with this new ad, one that reminds me more of the Sambo doll scene from Ellison's Invisible Man than the benefits of MasterCard.

I guess times are changing and insensitive must be the new sexy. Well, you know me -- I'd rather cash in on the change than worry too much about morality or justice or any of that stuff. So, without further ado, here are my ideas for inappropriate advertisements.

[Warning: I'm going for really offensive here. If you're easily offended by the offensively offensive, proceed at your own risk. But do remember, it's all a joke prompted by the reality that MasterCard went ahead with the "Social Life" spot.]

Clorox Advertisement Featuring the Ku Klux Klan- "How to get your whites really white."

Any Bank Advertisement- The screen opens to a bank lobby. Every teller position is manned by a middle-aged, male Hasidic Jew. A spokesperson promises "Our bank is so careful with your money, you'll think the entire place is run by Jews."

Mothers Against Drunk Driving- Scene opens to an idyllic, nineteenth century pub in the Irish back country. Affable Celts bid each other a drunken farewell and go outside to hitch up their wagons. As they all try to leave, each as inebriated than the other, a violent crash ensues between their horse carts. The narrator says, "Don't be Irish. Don't drink and drive."

Mandarin Oriental Hotels- A couple gets off an airplane. Waiting in the arrival area where everyone else catches taxis or a bus, there is a sedan chair. They ride the sedan chair, carried by a couple shirtless and swarthy locals, to the Mandarin Oriental Hotel. Various scenes of their luxurious stay are accompanied by images of local workers in abject conditions sweating to meet the couple's every need. The last scene is a dinner where the husband proposes on a moonlit dining terrace as a worker is caned below. Fade to black with the slogan "Mandarin Oriental, the true colonial experience."

Another MasterCard Peyton Manning Advertisement- The spot opens with the above clip of Manning throwing his offensive line under the bus. In the next scene, the entire offensive line tells Manning they're quitting. Manning wonders aloud, "Who will do the jobs no one else wants to do?" Cut to a scene in the middle of a football game. The entire Colts offensive line is played by Manning (digitally reproduced), only they are dressed to ridiculous Mexican stereotypes (ponchos, sombreros, thick black mustaches). "Normal" Manning takes the snap and says, "I found these guys just across the border!" He throws a touchdown and the camera zooms to one of the "Mexican" Manning offensive lineman. In his worst Mexican accent, he declares, "Good thing he had MasterCard, accepted in hundreds of countries, amigo." Follows with weaselly laugh.

Hitler as the New "Mr. Clean."- No description necessary.

Weekly Plot

This week's plot may morph into a larger post. We'll see . . .

Animal engages in Competitive Enterprise (CE). Current Owner (CO) of Animal abuses it. Kid saves Animal from CO. Kid and Animal try and succeed in CE. Kid and Animal must overcome long odds, possibly including interference from now jealous CO. Against these odds, Kid and Animal triumph in championship stage of CE. World rejoices.

Saving the Series: Spiderman, Part II

In the last installment of "Saving the Series," I diagnosed just what went wrong in Spiderman 3. There were, conveniently, three problems:

1.) Too many villains
2.) Too much disparity in talent
3.) Too many personal issues

Today, I want to propose possibilities for the next film or group of films in the Spiderman franchise.

In general, I think there needs to be a major change in philosophy. The original film trilogy strove to be loyal to the comic book itself. The villains came straight from the comic books, along with the same general cast of characters (Peter Parker, Mary Jane Watson, Uncle Ben, Aunt Mae, J. Jonah Jameson, even Flash Thompson). The relationships and story arcs were tinkered, but that should come as no surprise. Comic books stretch for years and years, but each individual issue needs to weave some short, simple episode into the overall story arc. Films can, in a single shot, cover a broader story, but don't have years to devote to the various human relationships. Still, the guiding principle for Spiderman was to substantively adapt the substance comic book into a film.

For a time, this was successful, but, as documented in the last post, it grew cumbersome and, by the third film, the production crew was clearly firing all the ammo they had left. It seems counterintuitive that the comic book series, a decades long font of characters and storylines, may have run dry, but the reality is that comic books just aren't sophisticated enough to motor a film trilogy. The individual episodes in comic books is simple and often repeated as the series progresses. Creative teams for a given comic may change, but the approach generally doesn't. The longer plots that stretch for years -- usually those surrounding the personal relationships of the heroes involved -- tend to be patchwork and incoherent, much of the time advanced in fits and starts as suits the publisher. Let's face it, there's a reason most people outgrow comics. It's the same reason most of us avoid people who don't outgrow comics. (Actually, I'm not sure it is the same reason, but seriously, avoid people who haven't outgrown comics).
The problem for the Spiderman series, as I see it, is that it has to move beyond the constraints of the comic book upon which it's based. I'm sure this seems sacrilegious, but I promise quality results. In that vein, let me introduce some potential villains and personal conflicts that could feature in a new Spiderman trilogy. Based upon these examples, you can decide for yourself whether I'm right.

New Villains:

• Quarterlife Crisis: spawned from a 20-something who has lost his sense of direction after dropping out of college and then, ironically, dropping into a chemical vat, this villain has the power to cripple Peter's sense of purpose. Could play in well with a storyline focused on Peter questioning his future in whatever applied science he's always studying.

• Bad Girlfriend: she has the power to ensnare her victims with charm before leveling them with emotional baggage and competitive behavior. Obviously, if her alter ego woos Peter, the whole cheating on Mary Jane thing makes a great personal story.

• Toby Maguire: he looks like a normal actor, but as soon as he's cast in any role, he completely destroys the film through his forced performances and incessant voice cracks. Because Maguire resembles Peter, there are great possibilities for a plot that involves the evil Maguire posing as Peter and convincing all his loved ones to believe he has become a total sop.

New Personal Conflicts:

• Mary Jane gets preggers: but the baby doesn't have spider-powers. Is it Parker's kid or did Mary "my plain looks attract every eligible bachelor in New York" Jane conceive via an illicit affair? Peter must decide whether his love for Mary Jane extends to his bastard of a son.

• Harry Osborne comes back from the dead: . . . and continues to be grumpy over Willem Dafoe's death. In this personal story, Peter must come to terms with the limits of his superpowers, particularly his lack of superhuman imperviousness to whiny little babies.

• Identity crisis redux: Peter-cum-Spidey questions his identity a la Spiderman 2, except this time he doesn't ask whether he ought to bear superheroic responsibility. Instead, he questions whether his vulnerability to voice cracking, his inability to turn in a convincing performance and his appearance in The Cider House Rules do not together impinge on his capacity to bear superheroic responsibility. Did I mention I hate Toby Maguire?

So there you go -- three new villains, three new personal conflicts. I think I've given the studio enough free labor on this one. Can't wait for Spiderman 4.

Retrospective: Wolfgang Petersen

I was watching Wolfgang Petersen's epic action film Air Force One last night. In the 1997 film, the president's airplane is hijacked by a group of fanatical Russians and the president, himself a highly decorated veteran, must fight them to retake control of the craft and save his family. I know it sounds ridiculous -- and it is -- but I promise that if you've never seen it, you really are missing a superbly directed action film.

In some ways, the perfect action film really is nothing more than an excitingly and compellingly told story about truly unbelievable events. No one enjoys an action movie that incites the response, "Yes, I could totally see this happening." Instead, when we watch a good action movie, our cheeks literally hurt from the smile stretched across our faces as we think, "My God, this is absurd -- and I love it!"

As I watched the film, a few things popped into my head:

1.) A Harrison Ford/Glenn Close presidential ticket doesn't sound that bad. They could run as independents and campaign for social security reform under the slogan, "Old is the new glamorous."

2.) It's strange to see how cinematic presidential portrayals change with context. The film opens with Harrison Ford as the president declaring an open season on dictatorial regimes. His condemnation of a fake Kazakhstan regime run by a former Soviet nationalist resonates with how Bush reproached Hussein in the lead-up to the Iraq war. Ford then pledges to wage preemptive wars against dictators and receives a standing ovation from the Russian audience. Later in the film, he and his cabinet despair that, if the president gives in to the terrorists hijacking his plane, it will lead to a profusion of terrorism across the world, bringing the battle back to the United States. But everyone believes this new policy change will make the president wildly popular with the voting public.

I mention all this only because, first, I'm guessing all the administration's current talking points caome directly out of this film and, second, if a fictional president were portrayed as such now, the film would bomb at the box office. I predict that a remake of Air Force One (Air Force Two?) would feature a president pledging a new isolationism, only to see his plane hijacked by a band of rabid unilateralists (led by Bill O'Reilly and the senior editorial staff at Fox News).

3.) It finally struck me that Wolfgang Petersen has had a truly bizarre career arc. Born in Germany, his first major release, 1977's Die Konsequenz, was a controversial film about pederasty. But for a sophomore encore, he delivered the critically acclaimed Das Boot. A spectacular, gripping and deeply moving film, Das Boot follows a German U-boat crew during World War II on a claustrophobic and ultimately tragic series of adventures in the Battle of the Atlantic. Petersen is able to quite deftly divorce the immediate scenario from its context, permitting the viewer to engross himself in the plight of the submarine without any of the complications that attend the sailors' obvious political allegiance.

Contrast this effort with Air Force One, where the message is none other than absolute patriotism and allegiance, but to what is, for Petersen, a foreign government. His skill for inspiring even the most mildly devotional attitude to the United States proves little more than that nationalistic fervor is both hardly unique and all too easily replicated. Unlike Das Boot, Air Force One is gripping not for its intimate portrayal of the horrific experience that is war, but for its stirring orchestral strains and one-line winners like "Get off my plane!" (President Harrison Ford to awkward Russian terrorist Gary Oldman).

It is as if, at the outset of his career, Petersen actually got to the bottom of the human experience and, in recent years, has subsequently figured out how to mass produce it. What else could explain the most puzzling feature of Petersen's career, namely, that he seems almost addicted to making terrible films? Films so terrible, in fact, that they were clearly bad ideas from the beginning, rather than brilliant concepts that, for one reason or other, merely did not translate to the silver screen.

His projects include The NeverEnding Story, Enemy Mine, Outbreak, Air Force One, The Perfect Storm, Troy, and Poseidon.


With the exception of Das Boot and In the Line of Fire, it's difficult to find anything that one might consider a "good film" in his repertoire. There are plenty of watchable films in there, sure. And The NeverEnding Story certainly has something of an iconic status with a particular generation. But one look at that catalogue and I feel as though Petersen is the Johnny Depp of directing. Incredible skills, brings his best to every project, but suffers from literally the worst judgment when it comes to actual film selection.

So let us take a moment to salute Herr Petersen -- the man, the director, the sellout.

Power Rankings

A weekly look at the bestseller lists, arbitrarily reordered according to how they SHOULD be doing (with the main criterion being how quickly I can generate a mildly amusing one-liner)

Books

1. The Sanctuary, by Raymond Khoury (NYT chart position: #5)
NYT description: "A geneticist and a C.I.A. agent try to discover the meaning of a mysterious symbol connected to centuries of destruction."

• And when the symbol, which looks like this ---- takes over the identity of musical star Prince, they realize it may already be too late to save the world (the trouble of referring to Prince as "The Artist Formerly Known as Prince").
  

2. Sweet Revenge, by Diane Mott (NYT chart position: #6)
NYT description: "A former district attorney is found dead in a library, and the caterer Goldy Schulz thinks she knows the killer."

• Only her unique culinary expertise can crack the case and help police track down the killer, who leaves a piece of bland, stuffed chicken in the mouths of his victims. Jodie Foster is being considered for the film role.
  

3. Power Play, by Joseph Finder (NYT chart position: #7)
NYT description: "In this corporate thriller, armed men crash a wilderness retreat and take a company’s entire executive leadership hostage."

• In the exciting twist ending, the hostages learn that the whole ordeal was just an elaborate corporate team-building exercise and laud it as the "best retreat ever." They return home ebullient, but are promptly fired due to strategic downsizing.
  

4. Still Summer, by Jacquelyn Mitchard (NYT chart position: #20)
From Publisher's Weekly: "Bestselling Mitchard offers the harrowing tale of four women lost at sea and pitted against nature and a cohort of contemporary pirates. Tracy, Holly and Olivia have known each other since high school, when they were glamorous, popular troublemakers."

• This book sells well because even though readers may find the context unbelievable -- coming face to face modern day pirates -- they can identify with the characters. Wasn't everyone glamorous, popular and a huge troublemaker in high school? I know I associate my high school years with consequence free mischief, high self-esteem, legions of friends, and trend-setting style.
  

5. The Rest of Her Life, by Laura Moriarty (NYT chart position: #25)
From Publisher's Weekly: "When Kara accidentally hits and kills another high school girl with the family's car, Leigh is forced to confront her troubled relationship with her daughter, her resentment toward her husband (who understands Kara better) and her long-buried angst about her own neglectful mother."

• That seems intense, but I still say she got off easy. After all, she was able to avoid the the resentment of her victim's father and the not-so-long buried angst of the girl's grandmother. Nor did she have to confront the troubled relationship she had with the girl, one defined by Kara hitting her with a car and killing her.
  

Film

1. Halloween (August 31-September 3: #1, $31,012,000)
From the Yahoo description: "A new take on the legend and a new chapter in the Michael Myers 'Halloween' saga."

• What's the new take? Does Michael Myers NOT go on a murderous rampage? Is he, like, a member of Al Qaeda or something? No seriously, I'm all for mindless horror films, but let's call it like it is. This description should have read: "Michael Myers kills more B-grade actresses . . . mwa ha ha ha!"
  

2. Balls of Fury (August 31-September 3: #3, $13,837,000)
From the Yahoo description: "In the unsanctioned, underground, and unhinged world of extreme Ping-Pong, the competition is brutal and the stakes are deadly. Now, this outrageous new comedy serves up this secret world for the first time on-screen."

• What makes this comedy so outrageous? Is Hitler the villain, or maybe the hero? Perhaps the audience feels outraged at the ten bucks they dropped on a ticket. I dunno.
  

3. Mr. Bean's Holiday (August 31-September 3: #6, $8,101,000)
From the Yahoo description: "In his latest misadventure, Mr. Bean--the nearly wordless misfit who seems to be followed by a trail of pratfalls and hijinks--goes on holiday to the French Riviera and becomes ensnared in a European adventure of cinematic proportions."

• I love how the review tries to justify turning a series of unconnected sketches into an entire film: he "becomes ensnared" in an adventure of "cinematic proportions." What, was it just an accident? Did they start filming and realize "Oh God, the pratfalls, the hijinks, there's just too many of them!"? I can already see a production assistant running out of the studio covered in flames screaming, "Sweet Jesus, it's bigger than we thought! This project has taken on cinematic proportions!"
  

4. The Nanny Diaries (August 31-September 3: #7, $6,365,000)
From the Yahoo description: "A 21-year-old New York University student becomes a nanny to a family on the Upper East Side who turns out to be the family from hell."

• This film, starring Scarlett Johansson, was released on August 24, 2007. We'll also remember that as the day her career died. May she rest in peace and be perpetually lost in translation.
  

5. War (August 31-September 3: #9, $5,140,000)
From the Yahoo description: "After his partner is brutally murdered by the infamous assassin Rogue, FBI agent Jack Crawford vows to find the elusive killer and personally avenge his partner's death. But Rogue proves untraceable until three years later when he resurfaces to ignite a bloody turf war between Chinese mob leader Chang and Japanese Yakuza boss Shiro."

• On the eve of the confrontation between the two mobs, Crawford, now an abject alcoholic, is only a week away from retirement and remains haunted by his partner's death. When all signs point to Rogue's reappearance, Crawford realizes he must take on one last mission, a journey that brings him face to face with his partner's killer along with the worst enemy of all -- himself.
  

Weekly Plot

Here's a simple one:


Boy meets Girl. Fate intervenes. Time passes. Boy meets Girl again, promises not to let her be the 'one that got away' . . . again. There's a hitch. Girl has met Someone Else, thinks she's happy. Boy hatches crazy scheme to win back Girl. Both ponder life in the rain. Girl goes back to Boy after she discovers Someone Else isn't all he was cracked up to be.