On This Day

The following this happened throughout the course of history:

1877 - Thomas Edison demonstrates his phonograph for the first time.

 

1922 - Howard Carter opens the tomb of Pharaoh Tutankhamun to the public.

1934 - The Chicago Bears defeat the Detroit Lions 19-16 in the first nationally broadcasted game.

1963 - U.S. President Lyndon B. Johnson establishes the Warren Commission to investigate the assassination of President John F. Kennedy.

1990 - Gulf War: The United Nations Security Council passes United Nations Security Council Resolution 678, authorizing "use all necessary means to uphold and implement" United Nations Security Council Resolution 660 "to restore international peace and security" if Iraq did not withdraw its forces from Kuwait and free all foreign hostages by January 15, 1991.

 

As well as the following people were born:

1898 - C. S. Lewis, Irish writer (d. 1963)

1958 - Michael Dempsey, English musician (The Cure)

1961 - Tom Sizemore, American actor

1982 - Krystal Steal, American pornographic actress

 

All of these people are important enough to have wikipedia pages.

 

These people are the future (or where the future at some past point). 

 

This man is no Krystal Steal, but soon he can achieve that dream. They were born on the same day though, that's a start.

 

Brief Hiatus

As you may have noticed, I haven't been able to post especially regularly the last two weeks. Unfortunately, I have decided to announce a brief hiatus until the first week of December. After that, there will be another hiatus until the new year. But never fear! Creative Differences will return, better, faster, stronger.

Now would be a great time to subscribe to the Creative Differences rss feeds so that you'll know precisely when it returns.

Apologies for the lack of content over the next month or so. It could not be avoided.

Unheatlhy Lust, Internet Caution

[Warning: today's entry is slightly sexually graphic. But not too bad, really. Point is, you were warned.]

Last week, Creative Differences mocked a Chinese graduate student for suing China's media watchdog after it insisted Ang Lee delete some steamy sex scenes from his new film, Lust, Caution. The student, Dong Yanbin, alleged "psychological damages" as a result of the way the deletions fragmented the narrative structure.

It turns out those deletions may have saved Dong's life. Reuters reported this week that Chinese doctors "have warned moviegoers not to try some of the more ambitious sexual positions featured in the uncut version of the film." A deputy hospital director added, "Only women with comparatively flexible bodies that have gymnastics or yoga experience are able to perform them. For average people to blindly copy them could lead to unnecessary physical harm."

I know China is all about innovation, but it's always important to check one's aspirations when safety and security are on the line. Obviously, Chinese martial artists with the ability to fly are exempt from the warning.

While Americans may chuckle at the perceived modesty, most Chinese people gravely recall the epidemic of muscle pulls that resulted from China's ill-fated Great Sexual Leap Forward in the late 1960s. In order to help nurse the labor force back to health, China had to remove thousands of posters urging "ambitious sexual positions" like:

Express Yourself Sexually for the Nation

Cast Off the Missionary Yoke

Moving Forward From Behind

Riding Each Other and the Wave of Progress

In addition to the sexual dangers the film engenders, its distribution has also lead to the proliferation of internet viruses polluting several download sites. While Chinese authorities are alarmed, internet denizens downloading uncut versions of the film in order to drool at the sex scenes were adequately prepared for the onslaught of spyware to which they have grown accustomed after years spent viewing internet porn.

Apologies

No Weekly Hebdomad today. Sorry also for missing yesterday. Tune in Monday for new content.

Finally, a way to get rich

Let me be honest, Creative Differences doesn't exactly pay the bills. Actually, it's hardly a question of exactitude. Creative Differences does nothing but absorb time, which probably costs me money. Fortunately, a Chinese PhD student has given me a great way to augment my minimal income.

According to Reuters, Dong Yanbin, a student at the China University of Political Science and Law, is suing China's censoring agency for cutting sex scenes out of Ang Lee's film Lust, Caution. Dong alleges that the State Administration of Radio, Film and Television (SARFT), China's media watchdog, has infringed upon his "consumer rights" and he has sought $67 in "psychological damages." He claims that the recut, prepared by director Lee himself, "makes it hard for the audience to appreciate the movie's art."

Dong, I feel you, dude. In fact, I agree so strongly with your understanding of "consumer's rights" (undoubtedly informed by your excellent study at CUPSL) that I'm going to move to China and begin suing the hell out of the movie industry. That's right, I'm going to sue major production companies for the "psychological damages" that come from watching their crap movies. As far as I'm concerned, Resident Evil: Extinction is also a complete violation of consumer's rights. And what about Garfield? That's practically consumer genocide!

I can just present most of the entries of Creative Differences as evidence. Let's see . . . 80 entries . . . 67 bucks a pop . . . that's $5360. Just think how much I could bank if I do this full time.

Can I crash in your dorm room, Yanbin?

Power Rankings: Books

Ok homeboys and homegirls (bizarre, Blogger spell-check approves of homeboys, but not homegirls -- sexist pigs!), we've got a new format for Power Rankings. From here on out, I'm going to just alternate each week between books and films, throwing a "special edition" Power Rankings in here and there. So without further ado, saddle up folks, 'cause it's time to lampoon some new books!

Books

1. Protect and Defend, by Vince Flynn (NYT chart position: #1)
NYT description: "An American counterterrorism operative has to avert catastrophe in nuclear Iran."

• Like what? Like a nuclear bomb going off or diarrhea from bad Tehranian street food? Both seem pretty catastrophic.
  

2. Book of the Dead, by Patricia Cornwall (NYT chart position: #2)
NYT description: "The forensic pathologist Kay Scarpetta opens a private practice in Charleston, S.C."

• How will she navigate the pitfalls of balancing the accounts and finding a good health plan? Join Dr. Scarpetta for her most dangerous adventure yet!
  

3. Amazing Grace, by Danielle Steel (NYT chart position: #5)
NYT description: "A San Francisco earthquake brings four strangers together."

• As they say, every natural disaster has a silver lining.

("You know guys, I'm not gonna say it hasn't been difficult living in the ruins of our once prosperous lives the last few days, not to mention our own filth, but it's been really great meeting all of you. Dibs on the shoe-leather soup.")

4. Now and Then, by Robert B. Parker (NYT chart position: #11)
NYT description: "What looked like a simple matrimonial case for the Boston P.I. turns out to involve a group that sponsors terrorists."

• "Does anyone other than the man with dynamite strapped to his chest feel that these two should not be joined in holy matrimony?"
  

5. Everlasting, by Kathleen E. Woodiwiss (NYT chart position: #13)
NYT description: "In 12th-century London, a woman from a fallen family promises to marry a shady character despite her attraction to someone else."

• I'm not medievalist, but I'm not sure anyone was called "shady" in 12th-century London: "For sooth, Bartholomew, but methinks the fair and noble Gwendomere hath betrothed herself to a rightly sketch-tastic knight. Thinketh you the same, therewith?"

A prize for Asians, man

Man Group, plc., must have an Asian fetish because they just awarded the inaugural Man Asian Literary Prize. A financial services company, Man Group has funded the Booker Prize (now called the Man Booker Prize) since 2002. Eager to assert the supremacy of the English language and Commonwealth writing, the Man Group has ensured that the $10,000 they disburse for the Man Asian prize pales in comparison to the ₤50,000 (or roughly $100,000) they give away for the Man Booker. Although it should be noted that the translator of this year's Man Asian winner received a cool $3,000 for his efforts and was cautioned by Man Group representatives "not to spend it all in one place."

The first ever recipient of the prize was Jiang Rong for his book Wolf Totem. "Jiang Rong" is actually a pseudonym so that the Iranian government doesn't realize that he is actually Salman Rushdie. Despite Rong's secretive inclinations, the book has sold phenomenally well in China and abroad.

Of the work, Man Asian prize panelist Nicholas Jose said, "It's a very original book, it's on a grand scale and it deals with large questions," implying that perhaps he had never read the book. In fact, after several further questions, he admitted with surprise, "What? Wolf Totem? I thought you were asking for my opinion of Playing for Pizza, by the irrepressible John Grisham! Yeah, I didn't get to Wolf Totem."

Weekly Hebdomad

We count down the strike-filled week that was . . .


7.) Weekly "If Four Episodes of Seinfeld a Day Weren't Enough":

With a shortage of scripts, it looks like some of your favorite shows are going to syndication . . . which in the case of "Heroes" may mean the first season repeated three times.

6.) Weekly "Not my '24'!":

Apparently Fox will not air new episodes of '24' as long as there's a risk of interruption. My name is Jack Bauer and this is the longest strike of my life . . .

5.) Weekly "Excuse to Play Clips of Schwarzenegger":

Arnold wants the strike to stop . . . NOW!



4.) Weekly "The Obvious Joke":

"Hollywood Suffers from Writer's Block"

Great work "Inquirer.net"

3.) Weekly "Putting the Ball on the Tee":

Props to the less than creatively titled Inquirer.net article on this one:

“Without them, I’m not funny!”

That’s how “The Tonight Show” host, Jay Leno, paid tribute to his popular talk-comedy program’s writers, after they stopped working and joined US TV-film writers’ first strike in nearly 20 years.

It's not the writers, Jay. No, no it's not the chin, either. Look, this is getting awkward. You're just not funny.

2.) Weekly "Get over Yourself":

Even writers working on a post-Katrina show that is set in New Orleans and is being shot on location are striking. I hope they teach the city something about enduring hardship . . . and then go screw themselves.

1.) Weekly "Thing You Need to Know":

As always, Gary Oldman has the answer. Here's his message to the writers:

Mickey Mouse politics

Strike up the band, 'cause the Hollywood writers' strike continues! Leslie Simmons of Hollywood Reporter reports (whew!) that striking writers picketed Disney yesterday. Perhaps in response to castigations originating on this blog, the writers upped the creative ante by wearing shirts that read "Wasted Days" in the classic Disney font. What does this mean? Explains "Ugly Betty" creator Silvio Horta: "Every day the producers don't give us a fair and decent deal is a wasted day in Hollywood."

I don't want to split hairs here, but the writers may have moved from the too banal ("On Strike") to the too complex. The shirt simply alludes to something Horta said . . . to a reporter who interviewed him. Why don't they just wear shirts that say "Available Seats" and, when asked about the meaning, explain:

The current profit share structure in the film and television industry systematically robs writers of hard earned profits and, at the same time, disenfranchises them by limiting the available seats at the bargaining table.

That's a slogan that explains just what's at stake, right? Everyone should be able to figure it out, especially if it's written in that hilariously heartwarming Disney font.

Strikers remained firmly posted outside Disney until a legion of giant Disney characters surged into the crowd in order to break the picket lines.

(You thought the Pinkerton boys were tough? Well, get the hell off this picket line or you'll learn the real meaning of zippity-do-dah, f#!ker!)

Fatigued by the ensuing melee, the strikers retreated to The Smoke House in Burbank, apparently the only place underpaid creative types can get a meal in Hollywood. It was especially hard for strikers like Mr. Horta to maintain the proletarian spirit when the only sustenance they could afford was a $19 New York steak sandwich.

Strike Three

Creative Differences has decided to dedicate this entire week to the Hollywood writers' strike. That's right, it's "Strike Week 2007!" Today, the Associated Press reported that production for numerous television shows has been completed halted due to the strike. So just keep in mind that "Back to You," "The New Adventures of Old Christine," and "Rules of Engagement," will be off the air because of the strike, and not because they totally suck.

(Why was my show "Jake in Progress" canceled in 2005? Because of the writers' strike, you dumbass!)

Power Rankings: Hollywood Writers' Strike Edition!

It's a Hollywood writers' strike overload! Following up on yesterday's strike tirade, I've decided to dedicate another special Power Rankings to their uncreative strike signs. So Hollywood writers, listen up. I know you're not the creative types, but here's five ideas that take your vaunted "On Strike" slogan out to the woodshed.

1.) "More coke now"

Pros: gets the executives where it hurts. Makes them understand that writers want the same things out of life as producers.

Cons: may implicate writers in illicit activities.

2.) "Royalties, not loyalties"

Pros: rhymes. Also, establishes writers' sense of independence as a segment of the industry.

Cons: kind of stupid. And it rhymes, which is pretty lame.

3.) "Current royalties worse than Snakes on a Plane"

Pros: helps the execs understand the writers' position. I mean, Snakes on a Plane is a pretty universal identifier for terrible.

Cons: may anger Samuel L. Jackson.

(You do NOT want to see me angry!)

4.) "Burn, Hollywood, burn!"

Pros: strong visual language. Helps convey the proletarian anger of writers.

Cons: may hurt public credibility. Fire is a sensitive issue in southern California at the moment (or so I hear).

(When it comes to fair contracts, Tina Fey is one mean girl. Hey oh!)

5.) "Save us from John Leguizamo"

Pros: asserts the fundamental dignity of the writers. How could anyone wish Leguizamo's company on them?

Cons: can't see any. Executives would be monsters to ignore this plea.

(Fine! We'll work for peanuts. Please, we beg you, just take away Leguizamo.)

Strike a pose

As I logged into Blogger to write today's post, I noticed that one of our .5 weekly readers requested more coverage of the Hollywood writer's strike. Fortuitously, this is precisely what I had planned to cover today, which just goes to show that Creative Differences is always willing to be accidentally responsive to its readers. For those of you who feel that we don't address the subjects that interest you, try and take an interest in whatever you anticipate us discussing. I promise you'll rarely be disappointed.

But enough of that, to the Strike-mobile! The Writers Guild of America went on strike this morning because they were unable to reach an agreement with the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers over royalty cuts from DVDs and other digital media sources. Our reader pointed out, however, that the Hollywood writers have impugned their own alleged value by failing to generate any picket signs more creative than "On Strike," which, to be honest, is really more of a description than a slogan.

("Who are we?" "We're on strike!" "What do we want?" "We're on strike!")

Clearly, the writers should already be worried. Striking isn't a romantic comedy, where an improbable and uproariously hilarious series of mini-disasters will bring them true love. No, going on strike is serious business. For example, Gina Serpe of E! Online is already auditioning as a strike-breaker. Check out her "reporting" on this morning's opening salvo from the writers:

The strike has finally struck.

After an 11th-hour 11-hour-long (go figure) meeting between the Writers Guild of America and the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers flamed out Sunday, the pens that power Hollywood are taking to the pickets.

According to the writers' union, scribes plan on picketing 15 Los Angeles locations, along with NBC's Rockefeller Center studios in New York, in four-hour shifts beginning at 9 a.m. Monday, every day until a new deal is reached.

Wow, Ms. Serpe, do you mind if I tell you that you can really write? No? Well, I mind. Don't take it personally if I inform you that you'll never be one of the "pens that power Hollywood." You may, however, discover a fruitful career writing obnoxious alliteration for yourself. Oh, wait, that's not a career, it's a hobby. A sad, pathetic hobby. Don't tell you friends about it.

It's tough to know just how to receive the writer's strike. Obviously, as I consider most of these people my colleagues and because I aspire to one day also make millions off of hackneyed plots and trite dialogue, I feel solidarity with my writing brethren. At the same time, I see this as a great opportunity for me to join with Serpe and cross the picket line. It could be my one shot at stardom, just like Shane Falco in The Replacements.

Speaking of The Replacements, wouldn't this strike make for a great movie somewhere down the line? It was a time of oppression. As the writers toiled, the moguls and corporate fat cats got rich. Until one writer said "no more." Against all odds, the scribes combined word processors and wrote a new future for themselves. One where they earned the right to buy two summer homes in addition to their LA mansions. Some called it excess. They called it dignity . . .

Apple's dubious commercial casting

I'm sure that everyone and their mother (who lives in America at least) has seen this commercial. Its one of the many Apple commercials hyping the iphone and listing the reasons why Time magazine called it the greatest invention ever!!!!!

Anyhow, my main problem with this commercial is that it looks to like Apple is saying the iPhone is a perfect device for this seasoned bookie/mafioso.  Who gets 4 minute long voicemails from people who owe you money?  Gangsters and apple make very strange bedfellows, considering they are already in bed with all the hipsters and urban fibsters (I just made that up, its fake hipster. its also trademark pending.  all other references to fibsters seem to be about internet nerds).  Its also a rather small un-tapped market and now that you need a credit card to purchase iphones I doubt this commercial will lead to more sales to mobsters and bookies. 

Also, go ILLINI!  They are currently destroying the gopherets of Minnesota during their own homecoming game.  Rashard Mendenhall 4 Heisman!!

Weekly Hebdomad

Bad things happen in threes. Great things happen in sevens.

7.) Weekly Plot:

Can some plots be summed up merely as "shit, then more shit?" I'm not sure, but this must be a case study.

6.) Weekly "Headline That Leaves to Much to the Imagination":

"Panettiere Attempts to Save Dolphins"

Help refused as dolphins assert right to self-determination

Or . . .

Drowns, tragically

Or . . .

Learns to save self

5.) Weekly Funny Image:

Accompanying an AP story reporting that "Hollywood writers said they would strike for the first time in nearly 20 years."

("We're going to get through this and yes, there will be a day when we are fairly compensated for Alien vs. Predator 2: The Final Indignity. The sun will rise again!")

4.) Weekly "Get the Hell off Your High Horse Before I Shoot You off":

Online marketing guru Jeff Gomez complains in Publisher's Weekly about the rude treatment he has received from industry colleagues and co-workers (at Penguin) thanks to his book Print Is Dead: Books in Our Digital Age. Whines Gomez:

Some people don’t want to be bothered by bad news and would rather stay with the status quo until they one day wake up to find it all gone. My book is getting in the way of their rosy outlook; that’s why they get angry. Things are changing, and they don’t want to have to hear about it. To my mind, that’s like people getting mad at Paul Revere because he woke them up as he rode through the countryside yelling out that the British were coming. I mean, how rude. Didn’t he know that people were sleeping?

Yes, Gomez, you are the harbinger of the revolution, risking life and limb to warn us of oncoming invasion, oppression and tyranny. Although, now that I think about it, Paul Revere warned the Massachusetts colony in order to repel the British and secure political independence. You're warning us of the emergence of digital print media so that we can more effectively cope with its inevitability. But other than that minor point, I guess it's a pretty salient comparison.

Oh, one more thing: shut the hell up and stop whining.

3.) Weekly "Can No One Rise Above the Fold?":

Even Edward Rothstein has something to say about Dumbeldore's big reveal. To his credit, he does manage to include an example of the kind of bitterness only internet comment forums can support:

Playing off other caricatures, comments on sites like imao.us mention Dumbledore’s “purple robe with glittery silver stars” or winkingly allude to the Hogwarts “policy of Don’t ask, don’t spell.”

One commentator posted: “Oh, who cares? The whole bloody lot of them were gay as far I’m concerned. All those hours of movies and not a single car chase, shootout or kung fu fight.”

I love it.

2.) Weekly "Nerd Makes Good":

Apparently the Eragon film was so bad that Alfred A. Knopf is willing to extend the proposed "Inheritance" series from three to four books. Maybe that was the plan the whole time. As fans clamored for a film, Knopf wanted to violently remind them that terrible films are no substitute for mediocre fiction.

1.) Weekly "Thing You Need to Know":

Cultural satire should target something widely disseminated if not truly popular, right? So did enough people see 300 to justify this?

Marketing Reality: The Big Thaw

Some things would make horrible movies. Good thing we have Hollywood!


Title: The Big Thaw
Rating: PG-13
Release Date: December 25

John (Jason Biggs) and Bill (Tom Green) are just a couple of ski bums fresh out of college with no jobs, no goals, and, worst of all, no money. But when John wins $100,000 in a giveaway at a local fast food restaurant, he and Bill come up with the perfect idea: open their own ski resort. They go into business and within a few months are ready to unveil the newest, coolest resort this side of the slopes. There's only one problem. Global warming. What little snow falls that winter melts immediately. With debt collectors and angry investors breathing down their necks, John and Bill need to figure out a way to draw people to their resort before they get into real trouble. That's when they hatch a crazy scheme -- steal snow from the resort next door! Run by cranky Mr. Crumplunk (Eugene Levy), the neighboring Pleasant Hills is fully equipped with state of the art snow machines. It's just the break John and Bill are looking for . . . if only they can get away with it.

All John and Bill wanted was to ski, but when climate change melted their dreams, it was all downhill.

The Big Thaw

A comedy of catastrophic proportions!