Thou shalt not worship computer generated idols

In last week's Weekly Hebdomad, I included a trailer for The Ten Commandments, a computer animated remake of the classic 1956 Charlton Heston film, which is itself an adaptation of the classic 12th - 2nd century BC novel, er, book. Here's the trailer again:





I have to admit, I don't have to much to say about this other than IT'S COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS!

What, you wonder, is just so absurd about this? Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's Christian Slater as Moses. How will he introduce himself to Ramses? "Greetings and salutations, Ramses. People will look at the ashes of Egypt and say 'Now there's a nation that self-destructed, not only because God didn't care, but because the nation had no God.' Now that's deep."

Wait, here's another one. Elliot Gould is God. Elliot Gould! Hey, you know Reuben from Ocean's Eleven? Can you imagine him as God. No? Well guess what? Elliot Gould played Reuben!

No, wait, there's more. Alfred Molina plays Ramses. I suppose Dr. Octopus is a good approximation for an unjust autocrat.

I know, I know. It's computer animated. I don't have to actually see Elliot Gould aspire to the divine. But I can't cast from my mind the thought of him in a dressing gown and ascot ordering
George Clooney to be careful. Just as I cannot forget Christian Slater in Kuffs or Alfred Molina in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

This film is asking me to go places I fear to tread.

But you know what film I would go see? This one:

Power Rankings: Headline Edition

Got such a positive response to the Nobel Prize Edition of Power Rankings (good = 2 comments, woo hoo!) that I've decided to throw another Power Rankings curveball. Here are five headlines from my feed reader this week. No, I didn't read a single one of the articles, although I will link them for you.

1.) "Schwarzenegger Drug Comment 'Just a Joke'"

• What comment was that? "I never use steroids" or "Drugs are cool?" Maybe it was "I must have been taking drugs to do Kindergarten Cop."

2.) "Spears 'Furious' at Federline's Preferential Treatment"

• And by "furious" we mean drunk . . . and high.
  

3.) "Court TV Changing Name to truTV"

• The larger story would be if the world gave two shits. The only thing this changes is the cable television drinking game.

4.) "The Came. They Saw 'Saw'. It Conquered"

• [Head in hands, weeping]

5.) "Paris Hilton to Head to Rwanda Next Year"

• Just when Rwandans thought it was safe to go out again.
  

Holy Trinity

The Trinity (TX) Tigers completed one of the most exciting college football plays in history this weekend when they rocked the Division III world by completing 15 laterals to win a game against the Millsaps Majors. The play started with only two seconds remaining on the clock.

Obviously, everything about the setting screams Hollywood. Two obscure liberal arts colleges. A meaningless Division III season. A rollicking crowd of under 4,000 people. As usual, I want Creative Differences to be the first hat in the ring on this one.

Title: The Lateral That Saved a Life

Plot: Riley Curry grew up on the wrong side of the tracks. Born in Sugar Land, his only dream was to play college ball. Blake Barmore was born on the right side of the tracks, but never fit in with the other kids. He had a golden arm, but a dark and stormy heart. Shawn Thompson may have been deaf, but he could hear loud and clear with the one thing that counted . . . his heart.

They all came to college with the same dream. To play football, to win a Division III national championship, to live the glory of which they had only dreamed. At first, their differences drove them apart, but soon they learned to love one another as brothers.

By Barmore's senior season, the team was primed for success and Barmore, Curry and Thompson were closer than ever. Then disaster struck. Before the homecoming game against Millsap, Barmore lost his ability to throw the ball forward. Faced with no other choice, Coach Steve Mohr reluctantly benched Barmore in favor of backup quarterback Bryant Wilson, whom everyone knew was a total dick.

The game was close, but Trinity still trailed 24-22 in the closing seconds and Barmore was powerless to save the team he loved. Then Thompson had an idea. He walked over to the coach during the timeout and made the ASL sign for "backward." Inspired, Mohr put Barmore back into the game and called for him to lateral the ball.

The rest is history:



For some people, the one play the counts is the one we never expected.

This December, learn that going backwards may be the only way to move forward . . .

Weekly Hebdomad

Three is a magic number. Three twice is six. Six and one is seven. Se7en is a film starring Brad Pitt, Morgan Freeman, Kevin Spacey and Gweneth Paltrow's head (oops, gave away the ending). Ok, I'm done.

7. Weekly Plot:

Criminal lives illicit life guilt free. One day, Criminal meets Orphan and is forced to take her in off the street. Orphan changes Criminal, makes him see the error of his ways. Bureaucratic Forces of Good (BFC, i.e. institutions such as police force, adoption agency, etc.) threaten Orphan. In act of penitence, Criminal sacrifices self to save Orphan from BFC, helps good guys see that BFC is just as bad as Criminal and that Orphan deserves love.

6. Weekly Are You F@&king Kidding Me?:

There will DEFINITELY be a full post on this next week. Until then, make your own, unadulterated judgment . . .



5. Weekly Trailer:

"Jane was good at taking care of everyone, but she never took care of herself." Oh yes, they went there.



4. Weekly Awesome Headline:

"Vietnam vet's story resonates with filmmaker"

Almost as much as coke!

(I'm ready to be inspired . . . my nose is bleeding)

3. Weekly Smart Career Change:

Conservative commentator Norman Podhoretz has made the transition to novels with his new book, The Long Struggle Against Islamofascism, a Romance. The New York Times provides a plot synopsis:

Mr. Podhoretz, who last summer called upon President Bush to use military force to prevent Iran from developing a nuclear arsenal, writes in these pages of all the “progress” that is being made in neighboring Iraq, embraces the Bush administration’s aggressive policy of pre-emption and asserts that George W. Bush will one day be recognized “as a great president,” an heir not just to Truman but to Lincoln as well.

Not to wear my politics on my sleeve, but even Republicans should be enlivened by the fabulous world Mr. Podhoretz weaves with his painstaking and fastidious prose. Finally, a new and exciting storyteller for our generation!

2. Weekly Dig at Harry Potter:

A signed first edition of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone sold for nearly $41,000 at Christie's.

We can expect Rowling's next inscription for the reader who sold the book to read something like:

"How much do you think you'll get for this one, asshole?

Love always,
J to the K"

1. Weekly Thing You Need to Know:

Apparently, television really is to blame for social ills, just not the way you expected.

Cracking the Code

Screenwriter Akiva Goldsman is apparently working at breakneck speed to complete a script to The Da Vinci Code sequel, er, prequel, Angels and Demons. Also based on a Dan Brown novel, Angels and Demons predates The Da Vinci Code and centers on a highly plausible scenario in which a secret society called the Illuminati attempt to blow up the Vatican. Goldsman currently faces a November 1st deadline, when Hollywood writers are planning to execute their proletarian duty to strike.

(What? I'm a sucker for improbable conspiracy theories . . . and turtlenecks. I just LOVE turtlenecks!)

I think this is a cop-out. I don't care whether Dan Brown has or hasn't written a sequel to his smash hit The Da Vinci code. I mean, can't we make one up? The only thing I want to know about Robert Langdon's past is why he chose that hideous haircut. Otherwise, I live in the now. What has happened to him since his close encounter with a direct descendant of Jesus Christ? Does he have a new car? Did he lose his "symbology" chair? Did he come out of the closet like Dumbledore? I need to know!

Here's my idea for a real sequel. Call it The Klimt Code:

While visiting Salt Lake City, Robert Langdon finds himself accused of a crime he didn't commit. As he frantically scrambles to clear his name, he becomes entangled in a quest to discover a secret that could unravel the foundations of the Church of Latter Day Saints. Caught in a dangerous power play between the police, polygamists, and generally backward mountain folk, our hero must track clues left by turn of the century Austrian symbolist Gustav Klimt in order solve a historical riddle on which his life depends.

Done. Cut me in for half, Mr. Goldsman.

Love in the Time of Facebook, a Novel

MySpace is apparently working on a book with HarperCollins. This is the first time a social networking website has authored anything other than annoying chitchat and vicious gossip and probably the first time an inanimate object, an abstraction, and an ethereal collection of information has written a book. Obviously, this is all pretty momentous and this time next year I'm sure we'll discover that MySpace is also the first of those things to win a Nobel Prize in Literature (hey, if they'll give it to a sci-fi author, then why not a website?).

Obviously, Facebook cannot stand idly by and let MySpace extend into the printed word without making its own contribution. I mean, it's MySpace we're talking about. Is Facebook, inventor of the "poke,"which revolutionized social cowardice, really going to give MySpace a leg up in the social networking industry? Unlikely. I'm sure the masterminds at Facebook have dedicated themselves to writing their own book, probably with such vim and vigor that they've neglected their subtle destruction of honest, face-to-face human interaction.

Because I can't bear to let them postpone the eradication of Western civilization just to beat MySpace, I've decided to provide them with a book idea so that they can get back to the important business of replacing people with computers. Although MySpace is planning a book on the environment (and how to, like, save it or something), I suggest that Facebook stick to the novel. Way more fun to read.

Title: A Tale of Two Social Networking Platforms; or, Great Facebooktations

Plot:

Paul was just your average fifteen year old. He had a few friends, a decent life, and was ok in school. One day, he discovers the social networking platform Facebook and it sets him on an adventure that will consume the rest of his young life.

Through Facebook, he discovers that he was actually an orphan and has inherited a vast fortune from his estranged father. Dolled out in small amounts, the money allows him to attend a better university and support a lifestyle that garners him the attention of all the most popular students, including the most beautiful ladies. One of his many courtships eventually evolves into a deep love and he leaves university betrothed. Soon after graduation he is happily married.

Disaster strikes, however, when the villainous Mr. Creedy lures him onto MySpace. Unable to resist the temptations of the social networking underworld, Paul is dragged into a complex confidence scheme that deprives him of his inheritance, his wife, and his own dignity.

In the depths of his despair, he decides to look at his Facebook profile, long fallen into disuse. There he discovers that his estranged father is alive and that his "inheritance" was actually a stipend. The two meet and reconcile. Flush with cash and uplifted by rediscovered familial love, Paul regains the courage to win back his wife and reconstruct the life he previously enjoyed.

In a surprise twist ending, however, he discovers that his former wife has become pregnant by another man. Paul and his father leave her destitute, comforted only by their wealth and exaggerated sense of self-righteousness. As the book comes to a close, Paul is seen changing his "Relationship Status" on his Facebook profile to "Single."

Power Rankings

A weekly look at the bestseller lists, arbitrarily reordered according to how they SHOULD be doing (with the main criterion being how quickly I can generate a mildly amusing one-liner)

Books

1. World Without End, by Ken Follett (NYT chart position: #1)
NYT description: "Love and intrigue in Kingsbridge, the medieval English cathedral town at the center of Follett’s 'Pillars of the Earth'."

• The original description read "Plague, poor hygiene and infant mortality in Kingsbridge . . ." but it made the book seem like kind of a downer. Needless to say, the actual novel contains no themes of dubious relevance to medieval life like "love and intrigue."
  

2. Dark of the Moon, by John Sandford (NYT chart position: #5)
NYT description: "Virgil Flowers, a character from 'Invisible Prey,' investigates three murders in a small Minnesota town."

• This week's runaway winner for the "Ridiculous Fictional Name" award. Who stars in the next Sandford book? Ovid Mountains? Tacitus Sandboxes?
  

3. Run, by Ann Patchett (NYT chart position: #8)
NYT description: "Two young black men, adopted in childhood by a Boston politician, encounter their birth mother and sister."

• Wait, I'm confused. Are the birth mother and sister the same person? If so, like, what the f@%k?

4. The Gift, by Richard Paul Evans (NYT chart position: #11)
NYT description: "A child with leukemia has the gift of healing."

• There's a word for that, but, ironically, it escapes me.
  

5. Where Angels Go, by Jeff Lindsay (NYT chart position: #11)
NYT description: "Another Christmas story featuring the angels Shirley, Goodness and Mercy."

• Is it just me or did Shirley get the shaft when all the angel names got handed out? "You're Justice, you're Charity and you're . . . hm . . . Roger?"
  

Film

1. 30 Days of Night (October 19-21: #1, $15,951,9)
From the Yahoo description: "In Barrow, Alaska, the northernmost town in the U.S, the winter sun sets and does not rise for 30 days and nights. From the darkness comes an evil force that strikes terror on the town, and all hope is pinned on a husband-and-wife cop team."

• My favorite game, "[Antonym] of [Antonym]." Let me play. 30 Dreams of Nightmares, 30 Flames of Ice, 30 Icicles of Flame (ooooh), 30 Men of Women, 30 Lives of Death, 30 Fears of Hope . . . Ok, I'm bored. Guess it isn't really my favorite game.
  

2. Michael Clayton (October 19-21: #6, $6,677,272)
From the Yahoo description: "Michael Clayton is an in-house 'fixer' at one of the largest corporate law firms in New York. A former criminal prosecutor, Clayton takes care of Kenner, Bach & Ledeen's dirtiest work at the behest of the firm's co-founder Marty Bach. "

• Enough is enough. How did Jackie's boyfriend in Roseanne become a serious actor? I need to know.
  

3. Gone Baby Gone (October 19-21: #5, $5,501,406)
From the Yahoo description: "Two young private detectives are hired to take a closer look at the mysterious disappearance of a little girl and soon discover that nothing is what it seems."

• Ben Affleck directed this film. (You think I can come up with a better joke than that?)
  

4. We Own the Night (October 19-21: #7, $5,420,793)
From the Yahoo description: "Bobby Green has turned his back on the family business. The popular manager of El Caribe, the legendary Russian-owned nightclub in Brooklyn's Brighton Beach, he has changed his last name and concealed his connection to a long line of distinguished New York cops."

• Mark Wahlberg and Joaquin Phoenix. Sigh. It just brings tears to my eyes to think how great this film could have been if Donnie Wahlberg and River Phoenix were still alive. Wait, what? Donnie Wahlberg is still alive? Oh. Awkward.
  

5. Rendition (October 19-21: #, $4,060,012)
From the Yahoo description: "A thriller that centers on Isabella El-Ibrahimi, the American wife of Egyptian-born chemical engineer Anwar El-Ibrahimi, who disappears on a flight from South Africa to Washington. Isabella desperately tries to track her husband down, while a CIA analyst at a secret detention facility outside the U.S. is forced to question his assignment as he becomes party to the man's unorthodox interrogation."

• Another of the throng of contemporary political comments offered to the movie going masses. Jake Gyllenhaal predictably stars as "Extremely Earnest." Seriously, that's his name. I swear.
  

Not gay, just differently magical

The world received shocking news this past weekend. Following in the footsteps of "Ellen," another fictional character has made the courageous decision to come out of the closet. After intense deliberations with author J.K. Rowling, Albus Dumbledore, the Headmaster of Hogwarts, decided to announce to the world that he is, in fact, gay. Apparently, the signs had been there all along: the relationships that all ended at the same point, the awkward glances cast in the direction of Grindelwald, and constantly saying things like, "Roger thought I was gay. Weird, huh? I mean, me, gay? Come on. Right?"

With the conservative right likely poised to leap for Dumbeldore's throat (they were already upset with his inclination to wizardry -- another hateful lifestyle), it is going to be a hard time for him. "We're both trying to figure out how to move on," said Rowling at the press conference where she made the announcement, "But we are sure that now was the right time to tell the world something we have both known for a very long time."

In light of the legions of children addicted to the Harry Potter saga, the revelation will bring the issue of homosexuality to the fore of household discussion. Parents, many of your children are going to be asking some hard questions in the next few days. Fortunately, Creative Differences is here to help with a little primer on some of the questions you might face.

Q: What does it mean to be gay?

A: It means that you like other wizards of the same gender. Take Harry, Ron and Hermione, for example. I know that Ron winds up with Hermione. But imagine if he had liked Harry instead in, you know, that way.


Q: So what is coming out of the closet then?

A: Well, let's say Ron did like Harry, but they were worried no one would understand, so they used Harry's invisibility cape to hide their illicit trysts. Coming out is Ron saying, "You know what? I don't want to hide behind this silly cape anymore. I want people to know that I like Harry."

Q: Is being gay a choice?

A: Most people don't think so. Just like straight people, gay people say that it's just the way they are, kind of like wizards. Wizards don't choose to be able to wield magic, they just can. Think of gay people as wizards whose magic wands only respond to wizards of the same gender.

Q: Is Draco Malfoy gay?

A: Probably. He suffers from what we call repression.

Q: What's that?

A: It's complicated

Weekly Hebdomad

On the seventh day, Creative Differences rested from all the work it had done in creation and reflected on the week that was.

7. Weekly Plot:

Either I'm a genius or I'm lazy, but I'll let the the Star Wars trope I expounded yesterday take the place of the Weekly Plot.


6. Weekly Awkward Encounter with Mortality:

Doris Lessing on winning the Nobel Prize in Literature after years on the shortlist: "Either they were going to give it to me sometime before I popped off or not at all."

Umm, congrats?

5. Weekly Trailer:

The only I can be understood is through DANCE! (couldn't embed, follow link) Films like this, the first installment of Step Up and Save the Last Dance make it clear that "dance" was an element of bourgeois control Marx never truly appreciated.

4. Weekly Understatement:

"It’s one crazy night in one crazy town!" is how Apple Trailers sums up this description for the upcoming film Weirdsville:

When stoners Dexter and Royce mistakenly assume their friend Matilda has overdosed, they can’t call the cops because she’s OD’d on stolen drugs. So, they decide to bury her body themselves. Good news is she’s not dead. Bad news is she wakes up just in time to interrupt a Satanic cult performing a ritual sacrifice in the same place the guys were going to bury her. Our heroes end up on the run from the Satanists, the drug dealer they stole the stash from, and a gang of angry little people all while trying to pull off a heist of their own.

Yes, sounds like "one crazy night in one crazy town" really hits the nail on the head . . . with one of those blow-up plastic hammers that deflates on contact with edged metal.

3. Weekly Established Authors Can Get Away with Anything:

According to the New York Times, Michael Chabon's new novel, Gentlemen of the Road, was originally titled Jews with Swords. I have a feeling my draft for Jews with Swords won't sell, although I'm talking to networks about a potential sit-com pilot.

2. Weekly Postponement of Book's Death as Viable Medium:

Phew! That was a mouthful. Anyway, Publisher's Weekly reports that children are again learning to love reading . . . Harry Potter. Yeah, basically only Harry Potter.

1. Weekly Thing You Need to Know:

Generally, sit-coms are a less than fertile ground for psychoanalysis, but apparently Seinfeld really was a way for its namesake to come to grips with his nerdy past. Thank you, Parade.com, for bringing this dangerously inane story to our attention.

Star Wars, Episode VII: A New Trope

(George Lucas: maverick, innovator, owner of majestic beard)

According to the Los Angeles Times, George Lucas has decided to develop a live-action Star Wars television series based on the multibillion dollar franchise. In order to prove, however, that his mind really is stuck somewhere a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, Lucas states that the new show contains none of the familiar inhabitants of the Star Wars universe. Says Lucas, "It has nothing to do with Luke Skywalker or Darth Vader or any of those people. It's completely different."

Phew, I'm sure glad it won't have any of those people. I mean, seriously, I'm not the only person who thought Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker and all that bizarre, oedipal family drama was just window dressing for the exciting and flamboyant adventures of C-3PO and R2-D2, right?

But just in case you weirdos think focusing on minor characters that no one gives two craps about might not be successful or interesting, George Lucas wants to remind you that you're wrong, stating unequivocally that "it's a good idea, and it's going to be a lot of fun to do."

See, you Nervous Nellie? Lucas thinks it's a good idea so it must be good, just as good as his idea to cast Hayden Christensen as a young, frequently constipated Anakin Skywalker and his idea to cast Samuel L. Jackson as one of the wisest and most powerful Jedi Knights (Dark Side of the Force . . . urging me to link insane Samuel L. Jackson clips . . . cannot resist . . .).

Despite the "can't miss" appeal a vague sci-fi project that bears no relation to the original Star Wars sensation save for the name, Lucas's overtures to potential host networks have met with more reticence that excitement:

"They are having a hard time," Lucas said. "They're saying, 'This doesn't fit into our little square boxes,' and I say, 'Well, yeah, but it's "Star Wars." And "Star Wars" doesn't fit into that box.' "

Damn right, Lucas! Star Wars isn't just a cut and dried action epic, where an unlikely hero rises up to save a galaxy in peril only to discover that his own past may be darker than he ever imagined a challenge he can only overcome by resorting to the care and affection of his own motley crew of allies and friends each troubled by his or her own problems/loves/affections/interests making for endearing interpersonal dramas in the ultimate quest for triumph and redemption.

See, you can't fit that into a box. In fact, it's not only too big for a box, it's also too dense to even accommodate punctuation. Big and dense. Like Lucas's beard. Whoa.

But just in case TV execs really are dumb enough to turn down Lucas, I have a plot idea that might help the new show gain some traction in Hollywood.

Title: Leia and C-3PO
Running Time: 22 min.
Genre: Situation Comedy

Leia is just your average 20-something working in New York for the first time. C-3PO is the robot who answers her want-ad for a roommate. Leia struggles to establish herself at the advertising firm where she works while juggling her many (and hilarious) male suitors. Most turbulent is her on-again/off-again relationship with young corporate attorney Han Solo. Meanwhile, C-3PO offers no shortage of dry relationship advice while engaged in his own sexual misadventures as a young, handsome, smart robot who is only into other robots. Along the way, they'll learn a little something about love and each other. R2-D2 as C-3PO's anthropocentric friend.

Sample Dialogue:

[Interior, Leia's Apartment, Living Room]

Leia tosses herself on the couch, exhausted

C-3PO: Have you had a rough day, roomie?

Leia: There's this guy I met at work. Some young, hot-shot lawyer representing the firm. I think he might be into me.

C-3PO: Sounds like a real catch. Unless, of course, there is a catch.

[Laughter]

Leia: There is. I just don't feel like I really speak his language.

Enter R2-D2 bleeping

Leia: No, R2, he's not foreign.

[Laughter]

C-3PO: Leia, perhaps I may be of some assistance. I'm very good at reading people. I am, after all, well versed in over 3,000 forms of communication.

R2-D2 bleeps again

C-3PO: No, I suppose you're right. I am not familiar with the language of love. Where is it--? [Pauses, look of robotic confusion crosses his metallic face then turns to anger] Love isn't a language! Why you little!

[Laughter]

C-3PO chases R2-D2 around the couch in fast time while zany 1930s piano music chimes in the background.


Well, Mr. Lucas, what do you think? I say it's a good start. Otherwise, the only other viable plot I can imagine would center on Star Wars fan favorite Admiral Ackbar. This clip says it all:

Power Rankings: Nobel Prize Edition!

Although the dearth of new films and books has made Power Rankings something of a challenge this week, Creative Differences has turned misfortune into opportunity by deciding to recognize the 2007 Nobel Laureates in a very special Power Rankings. That's right, today we will honor the men and women who have worked tirelessly to better humankind by glibly mocking one-sentence summaries of their work.

1. Gerhard Ertl, Chemistry
Prize awarded "for opening up the hidden world of surface chemistry to investigation."

• Look, fair enough, by why didn't Peter Tompkins and Christopher Bird win for opening up the secret world of plants? God, the Nobel Foundation is so political. And anthropocentric.

2. Albert Fert and Peter Grünberg, Physics
Prize awarded "for discovering the effect underlying data storage on most hard disks."

• According to the Nobel Foundation's "Information for the Public," Fert and Grünberg invented something called "Giant Magnetoresistance." What it didn't explain is that Giant Magnetoresistance is also slated to be the super villain in Spider Man 4. I'm not sure what his power is, but it sounds kind of scary.

3. Leonid Hurwicz, Eric Maskin, and Roger Myerson, Economics
Prize awarded "for extending the range of tools for economic analysis."

• Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'm sure they earned the Nobel Prize in Economics. What I want to know is who won the Nobel Prize in Freakanomics.

4. Doris Lessing, Literature
Prize awarded for work which "extends from the realistic to the fabulous."

• What that means is that her work went from expounding profound social insights to describing intergalactic relations with Planet 8, a world far away from Earth. Whoever wrote that blurb should win the Nobel Prize for Euphemism.

5. Al Gore and the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, Peace
Prize awarded "for informing the world of the dangers posed by climate change."

• Shouldn't this award also go to the makers of The Day After Tomorrow?

(Statue of Liberty? You mean climate change happened to our planet? Damn you! Damn you all to hell!)

6. Mario R. Capecchi, Martin J. Evans, and Oliver Smithies, Medicine
Prize awarded for "producing specific genetic alterations in mice."

• Yeah, genetic manipulation is all fun and games with mice, but remember what happened to the Galactic Republic when Senator Palpatine was given free reign to experiment with genetics?

(Not even Star Wars fans are aware that Stormtroopers are actually just an army of mutant mice. Why else do you think they never take off those silly masks?)

Power Rankings on hiatus

No power rankings today, but tune in tomorrow for "Power Rankings: Nobel Prize Edition"

Boldly going where 10 other films have gone before

I was startled to read this article announcing that Eric Bana was selected to play the lead villain in the upcoming Star Trek film. Why? Well, certainly not because it's noteworthy that the wholesome and handsome Bana (who nevertheless should not be trusted because of his aptitude to transform into a green monster when angry) will appear in the film. If you can play Hector, then you can play a Star Trek villain, so long as you're noble and not treacherous.

What really surprised me is that there's a new Star Trek film in the works and I didn't even know about it. My nerd antennae are pretty well tuned to the dark nerd undercurrents flowing beneath the coke filled, surgically enhanced media mainstream. Needless to say, I'm pretty embarrassed.

To my delight, the tentative plot for the as yet untitled film revolves around a young Captain James T. Kirk during his student years at "Starfleet Academy." I love when movies go for the "young" angle, as if we're desperate to know just what the child versions of our imaginary heroes are like. To anyone who would say that such plots are derivative gimmicks that try and capitalize on the popularity of certain iconic action heroes, I offer a two-fold response. First, you're ugly. Second, you're telling me you didn't enjoy the opening to Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, when River Phoenix boldly recovered the "Cross of Coronado" from bandits? Yes, the odd aside seemed superfluous at the time, an attempt to work rising star Phoenix into the project, but how else would we have learned where Indy's hat originated?

Apparently, there is talk of actor Chris Pine to play Kirk. This would mark an interesting evolution for the Kirk role and I'm not sure if Pine can imitate William Shatner's bizarre vocal cadence and latex defying physique. Of course, a creative plot might easily dispense with these problems in a couple ways. First, they could have him zapped by some bizarro alien device
that messes up his speech permanently. I mean, it is Star Trek, right? Second, they could afflict him with an eating problem that has him constantly demanding pastries from the replicator, much to Spock's disgust.

(Captain, I find your habit of eating ham and swiss wedged between two jelly donuts most illogical.)

Of course, this wouldn't be Creative Differences if I didn't actually suggest a few plot ideas to the Star Trek XI production team. Obviously, the whole Starfleet Academy plot allows me to play with my favorite cinematic genre.

Star Trek XI: Starfleet Academy: In the classic Police Academy mold, this film captures all the zany pranks and hijinks that abound at Starfleet Academy. That's right, Spock getting swirlies, Kirk smuggling in beer, and everyone trying to get laid. Steve Guttenberg cameos as an instructor.

Star Trek XI: Fast Times at Starfleet Academy: same as above, only slightly more serious and sexual.

Star Trek XI: Bring the Final Frontier On: Spock wants to cheerlead for Starfleet Academy, Scotty won't let him, Kirk just wants to get laid. All three are about to embark on one wild ride to the Intergalactic Cheerleading Championships. Hearts will be broken, love will bloom, Kirk will not get laid.

Star Trek XI: 10 Things I Hate about Starfleet Academy: Spock wants Kirk. Kirk wants Sulu. Sulu just wants to graduate. And Starfleet Academy is about to go under. Can Uhura come up with a plan to save the Academy and make sure everyone finds true love?

Star Trek XI: The Replicator Club: Kirk is a brooding loner, a maverick who can't handle authority. Spock just wants to be cool, but studies to win dad's approval. Uhura is tired of being so popular. Scotty's accent is really annoying. But when all four of them are stuck cleaning the replicators one morning before breakfast, they learn they're not all so different . . . and that life isn't so bad.

A possible return to the blog

I have been contemplating posting for a while now but after seeing this post from Stephen Dubner on the Freakonomics blog, I decided if nothing else I had to share it with the much much smaller world who reads this and for some reason doesn't read the Freakonomics blog.

Best Post of the Week

If I can muster up the energy to compose other, less linky things I will continue.  Otherwise here are a few things you should do while awaiting my next missive:

• Buy the first season of Friday Night Lights.  And by "buy" I mean download it here.  If you don't know what a torrent is, read about it here (along with other ways to catch up on TV).  After you have finished watching it, start watching FNL Season 2. Unlike the presidential elections, one person CAN make a difference.... if that one person is Jeff Zucker.
• Buy the first season Dexter.  Same as FNL, 'buy' it then start watching the second season. Its off the hook good.
• Don't buy a copy of the oft mentioned book by John Grisham Playing for Pizza.  I made the HUGE mistake of buying it and now plan to burn each page individually. Since they charged me $20 for a 250 page book, that's 8 cents a page.  Its actually worse than Bleachers which I assumed was his real low point.
• Buy every Richard Russo book ever written.  You can pass on the book of short stories (they are all eventually turned into the books you have just purchased).  He won the Pulitzer for Empire Falls but my favorite is The Risk Pool. His new one isn't the best but also isn't the worst. I wasn't a fan of the ending but its probably because im an asshole and possibly because I can't empathize with a 60 year old woman.

 

• Last but not least, convince your friends to read this blog.  If you cant, you should visit it atleast once from each computer you use so it can have more hits. 

Weekly Hebdomad

More format changes, suckas (I told you I was crazy). I've decided to embed "Weekly Plot" within a whole gaggle of "Weeklies." So every Friday, I'll count down seven weekly tidbits at least tangentially related to whatever loose and tattered threads somehow hold Creative Differences together.

7. Weekly Plot:

Old Good Guy (OGG) becomes Bad Guy (BG) because he decides system is corrupt, feels he has not gotten his due, or just goes insane. Due to extreme insider knowledge of Institution/Organization (I/O) in which he was leading participant -- thanks to former status as OGG -- BG executes devious plot against which I/O has no good defense. I/O recruits young, spunky Specialist to defeat BG, possibly with the help of Grizzled Outsider (GO) who may also have been a former nemesis of BG. Together, Specialist and GO beat BG and show that his transformation from OGG to BG embodies the rejection of everything he once cherished. Then they kill him.

6. Weekly Trailer:

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson tramples on T.S. Elliot's grave in new Richard Kelly attempt at cinematic masturbation.

Can you smmmmeellllllll what The Rock's got rhymin'?



5. Weekly Book Release:

Ken Follett proves that 1,000 pages couldn't do justice to the exciting twists and turns that accompany the construction of a 12th-century cathedral. Excuse me, waiter, 1,000 more please!

4. Weekly Bad Career Move:

Film columnist Nikki Finke: "All [movie] moguls are morons."

Take a cue from Ms. Finke and work in an industry for which you harbor only contempt. It's the secret to happiness.

3. Weekly Absurd Jacket Copy:

From John Grisham's new novel, Playing for Pizza: "To say that Italy—the land of opera, fine wines, extremely small cars, romance, and Football Americano— holds a few surprises for Rick Dockery would be something of an understatement."

Yes, Italy has indeed always been known as the "Land of Extremely Small Cars." In fact, they have considered etching the slogan into their miniature license plates.

2. Weekly Film Slogan:

Sydney White: "Freshman Year Is No Fairy Tale"

Yet somehow I feel the movie ultimately suggests the opposite.

1. Weekly Thing You Need to Know:

Help me celebrities, you're internet procrastination's only hope.

Free history from the historians!

Creative Differences may have a new enemy in "AP Movie Critic" Christy Lemire. Her latest review of Elizabeth: The Golden Age venomously opens:

"'Elizabeth: The Golden Age' is essentially a Paris couture fashion show with some historical names and details tossed in as a feeble attempt at significance.

Seriously, it's not an exaggeration to say that the entire movie consists of Cate Blanchett trying on various ornate, richly hued dresses with increasingly intricate wigs and headdresses, until one day when the Spanish armada shows up. Costume designer Alexandra Byrne probably should have gotten top billing."

First of all, I'm not sure which AP editor let her get away with the opening "Seriously." I can imagine Lemire's ill fated attempt to be a serious journalist crumble to dust when she submitted an article on the 2000 United States presidential election:

"George Bush defeated Al Gore in a heavily contested election that came down to controversial balloting in the state of Flordia.

Seriously, it was really close and there were, like, all kinds of crazy things happening. The whole night America was like, 'OMG -- who's going to win? Oh wait, pizza's here -- TTYL!'"

But more importantly, what's wrong with turning a historical drama into a "fashion show with some historical names and details tossed in as a feeble attempt at significance?" Sounds like a great idea to me (Zoolander sequel, anyone?). On behalf of the Elizabeth cast and crew, I'd just like to say to you, Ms. Lemire, that your face is a dog show with some eyes and ears tossed in as a feeble attempt at significance. So there!

Frankly, I think the whole epic historical genre in film only stands to gain from a more liberal treatment of the "history." Has anyone ever read a history book? Yawn. Not only are things way more boring in real life, but Manichean distinctions between good and evil are often depressingly absent in the face of moral nuance and multiple perspectives.

History is crap. I want unblemished heroes and irredeemable villains, epic action sequences that decide the fates of nations, and underdogs rising out of the masses to lay claim to immortality. Also, real people are way uglier than actors. Who said history can't be beautiful?

Remember, film is a visual medium. Try not to think of Elizabeth and films like it as history books. Instead, think of them as paintings.

If that distinction doesn't work for you, I propose the following. Read this wikipedia entry on Elizabeth I. Then, once you've finished, watch the trailer below for the new film. Which one did you prefer?

A Thriller of Supreme Proportions

When I read that Justice Clarence Thomas has released his memoirs, it occurred to me that the "Supreme Court" may be completely untapped as the setting for a crime thriller (if there is a Supreme Court crime thriller out there, please don't tell me -- I prefer ignorance). It's an insular organization at a sufficiently high level of government that a story could intersect with frightening intrigues, and, on top of all of that, many of the main characters wear flowing black robes. Could it get any better?

Here's my flap jacket copy for such a novel:

Rob Flash is the hot new law student called up to clerk for the Supreme Court of the United States. He is assigned to Justice Ian McAvoy, who has secured a reputation as the court's decisive swing voter. On the eve of a controversial abortion case, McAvoy dies of a supposed heart attack. Despite the tragedy, the court and the nation must move on. The conservative president attempts to alter the outcome of the case by appointing a political ally to the court. Meanwhile, pro-choice activists and legislators vehemently oppose the move and castigate the president for hijacking the judicial process through partisan appointments.

In the middle of this political firestorm, Flash begins to question whether McAvoy's death was truly natural. Unable to quench his thirst for the truth, the young flash begins snooping around the court for clues. Soon, powerful and unseen forces thwart his investigation at every step, even going so far as to threaten his life. Undeterred, Flash's quest for truth turns into the pursuit of justice as he chases after the man he believes killed Justice McAvoy -- a journey that leads him to the heart of back room conspiracies and political intrigues he could never have imagined. Caught between determined conservative leaders, religious fundamentalists, and fanatical womens' rights groups, Flash must navigate the turbulent nexus of law and politics, a world far darker than any an idealistic law student could have ever imagined.

He believed in the law, but he encountered a murder so unprecedented not even stare decisis could guide him. Now he must race against time in order to stop the gravest threat the republic has ever faced. No objection will be sustained, no action out of order, no curae in any way amicus. Rob Flash is . . .

The Last Resort

Power Rankings

A weekly look at the bestseller lists, arbitrarily reordered according to how they SHOULD be doing (with the main criterion being how quickly I can generate a mildly amusing one-liner)

Books

1. Playing for Pizza, by John Grisham (NYT chart position: #1)
NYT description: "An American third-string quarterback joins the Italian National Football League’s Parma Panthers."

• At first this book disappointed me as a departure from Grisham's wildly successful career as a writer of legal thrillers, but then I realized that he's actually pulled off a surprise twist ending to his own life: you know, where he gives up a lucrative career in order to write crap. Now that's a spicy meatball!
  

2. The Choice, by Nicholas Sparks (NYT chart position: #2)
NYT description: "How the choices made by a North Carolina man and the neighbor with whom he falls in love play out in their lives."

• Sparks is already planning a sequel called The Counterfactual Choice, which explores how the choices made by a North Carolina man would have played out in his life had he not fallen in love with his neighbor.
  

3. Shoot Him If He Runs, by Stuart Woods (NYT chart position: #5)
NYT description: "Stone Barrington, the New York cop turned lawyer, tracks a rogue C.I.A. agent on a Caribbean island."

• All while new sidekick Rasta Fred, the Los Angeles accountant turned Caribbean chef, drives Barrington bonkers. Hilarity ensues.
  

4. Bridge of Sighs, by Richard Russo (NYT chart position: #6)
NYT description: "The entangled lives of an upstate New York couple and their best friend."

• Is he, like, a best friend with benefits? If not, this book doesn't sound that interesting.
  

5. The Orc King, by R.A. Salvatore (NYT chart position: #7)
NYT description: "The dark elf Drizzt Do’Urden seeks vengeance against the orcs in the first book of a new fantasy trilogy."

• Before you judge Drizzt Do'Urden, think about what it would be like if orcs killed your own dark elf brethren. After you've thought about that, feel free to wet your pants from laughing so hard.

Once again, it was a slow week in film, so "Power Rankings" will just be limited to books until next week.

Fred Thompson: The Movie

Fred Thompson's embattled campaign has received no reprieve from the media lately. In addition to the SNL skit below, newspapers have documented Thompson's inability to stir up much enthusiasm from even nominal supporters.




As lampooned in the SNL skit, Thompson seemed to hit a new low when he had to demand applause from an audience:



Is there a cure for the robotic and emotionless attitude exerting a stranglehold on Thompson's campaign? Creative Differences thinks there is and, as always, is here to help.

As many people know, Mr. Thompson is not only a former senator for the state of Tennessee, he has also appeared in numerous film and television roles, notably in The Hunt for Red October and In the Line of Fire, as well as a recurring role in the television series "Law & Order."

"Is this really the right outfit for Rear Admiral Joshua Painter of the USS Enterprise? And should a Republican really play the rank of rear admiral? What? It's an honest question."

Before I can prescribe the cure for Thompson's weakened campaign, I need to make a diagnosis (dudes, I am rocking these metaphors). My professional opinion is that Mr. Thompson has played so many roles for so long, he no longer knows how to "play" a real human being, as it were. He has instead become an empty husk, a mere vessel for his many memorable Hollywood roles.

So what to do? I recommend, in addition to rest and exercise, that Mr. Thompson run for president in cinematic form. No, no, I'm not recommending some kind of lame campaign documentary. Instead, I suggest that Mr. Thompson, produce, direct and star in a drama depicting the ups and downs of an ultimately successful presidential campaign. At the very least, it will provide Mr. Thompson the chance to experience what running a real presidential campaign would actually be like.

He was a senator, a lover, a dreamer, and a character actor. His approach was controversial, his resolve unforgiving, and his love of Thin Mints unmatched. When he came to Americans with his vision of hope, most of them wouldn't listen, or they would fall asleep before they could decide. But because he believed, he refused to take "no" for an answer . . . or accept silence as tacit, uninterested way of saying "no."

With Former Senator Fred Thompson starring as Former Senator Fred Thompson, Brit Hume as Richard Nixon, and Julia Roberts as Democratic contender Hilary Clinton, Miramax Pictures brings you a story of triumph over adversity and values over gender parity in politics.

His opponents tried to discredit him. His allies struggled to remember his name or what he looked like. Yet, when it mattered the most, he rose from the ashes of defeat and seized the burning fires of victory before strangling the obnoxious throat of turgid metaphor.

This October, Fred Thompson is The Last Candidate Standing

Marketing Reality: Saving Anthropologist Ryan

Some things would make awful movies. Good thing we have Hollywood!

Title: Saving Anthropologist Ryan
Release Date: December 12, 2007
Rating: R

James Ryan (Matt Damon) is an anthropologist recruited by the United States Army to accompany military units in Afghanistan. At first, his civilian naïveté alienates the other members of his platoon. But eventually, his ability to navigate the local culture and spot signs of oncoming danger helps him gain acceptance within the unit. One night, an intense firefight in the mountains separates him from the others and leaves him lost in the mountains. Devoted to him as though he were one of their own, the platoon will stop at nothing to find and rescue their colleague and friend, while Ryan must put aside his smarts and rely solely on his wits in order to survive a hostile terrain, one where dangers lurk around every jagged and mountainous corner.

He was a scholar. They were soldiers. But in a time of war, they share a friendship that cannot be broken.

Saving Anthropologist Ryan

This December, a study in culture becomes a lesson in brotherhood . . .

Pimp My Film

I want to console all the starving children of the world by reminding them that they have it a whole lot easier than Romanian director Cristian Mungiu, whose film has only managed to garner one of the industry's top awards. That's right, Mungiu had the misfortune of winning the Palme d'Or at Cannes for his film 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days (original title: Around 5 Months; sequel: Another 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days; third installment: 4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days: Tokyo Drift).

Doesn't sound so bad? Well try this on for size you heartless bastard: apparently the award has not helped Mungiu attract the international audience he so desperately craves. According to Christine Kearney of Reuters, Mungiu "says reaching a wider audience is more important to him than the glory of awards." Adds Mungiu himself, "I don't see myself as an arthouse filmmaker, making films for small theaters and few people."

Hey man, fair enough. So Kearney, what's this film about anyway?

"Mungiu's film takes a bleak look at two girls negotiating an abortion during the regime of leader Nicolae Ceausescu when abortion was illegal."

Hmm, that seems like kind of a downer. On top of the heartwarming plot, it turns out the film takes place in Bucharest. For anyone who has never traveled there, it's pretty much the most depressing city on the planet. It's like Ceausescu and the Communists actually figured out how to extinguish joy along with market capitalism. Perhaps it was too bourgeois an emotion.

Anyway, I think I've figured out Mangiu's problem. There's no way such a heavy film could ever appeal to a wide, international audience. We go to the movies to have fun and escape reality, not to learn how grave it truly is.

Here's my idea for how to alter the film for an international re-release that I promise will launch Mangiu into the mainstream:

Location: shift the film from Bucharest -- basically Europe's equivalent of the old suburban mall no one goes to anymore -- to somewhere with a little more splash. How about Los Angeles? There aren't too many films set there.

Characters: two Romanian girls wouldn't really work in Los Angeles. Let's make them high school girls from one of those uber-rich Orange County suburbs.

Conflict: unwanted pregnancy is great. You scored an ace there Mr. Mangiu.

Plot: illegal abortion? Sounds a little controversial to me. How about they go on a road trip which transforms into a journey of self-discovery? They'll laugh, they'll cry, they'll learn all about life, love, and . . . themselves.

Resolution: the girl who's preggers keeps the baby, but raises it with the handsome and caring man she met on the road trip, played by Hugh Grant, an affable and clumsy British hitchhiker the girls pick up outside Las Vegas.

Finally, the current title is too boring. I fell asleep after the 4 months and 3 weeks. New title? Never Look Back. I have no idea how that's relevant to the film I outlined, but it's catchy isn't it?

The lesson here is simple. The pursuit of a wide audience entails a film about the ideas, desires or beliefs that unite us all. Those are hard to find, so it's generally easier to appeal to the lowest common denominator.

God exists, details at 10

If God held a version of the White House Correspondents Dinner, it would probably resemble the Religion Newswriters Association annual meeting. According to Lynn Garrett of Publisher's Weekly, this year's conference featured fiery debates over a number of "hot topics," including "politics, writing for new media, reporting the end of the world, and the continuing growth of megachurches."

I imagine it must be very difficult, from both a newspaper editor and journalist's point of view, to decide the very best way to report the end of the world, a news story grossly under reported by the liberal media. Beyond the run of the mill challenges such as the ethics of quoting unnamed sources and issues of translation, there are problems endemic to the end of the world itself. For example, what biblical passages should newspapers highlight, and how should they be interpreted? Who can newspapers reliably report will be condemned to eternal damnation and who will be exalted to eternal salvation? That's not an area where anyone wants to be surprised.

Of course, the biggest problem for any editor is the headline. My thoughts, free of charge, for members of the Religion Newswriters Association:

FAMILIES TO REUNITE WITH LOST LOVED ONES
LOCATION TO BE DISCLOSED ON JUDGMENT DAY

WORLD WIPED CLEAN
ENVIRONMENTALISTS APPLAUD NEW RELIGIOUS INITIATIVE TO SAVE PLANET

RELIGIOUSLY MOTIVATED VIOLENCE ENDS WORLDWIDE
NON-BELIEVERS RELINQUISH ARMS AND SOULS

HOLY TRINITY PLUMMETS IN POLLS
RESPONDENTS SAY KINGDOM OF HEAVEN 'OVERRATED'

CALIFORNIA BRUSH FIRES DECLARED 'WORST IN YEARS'
SCHWARZENEGGER ANNOUNCES STATE OF EMERGENCY, BLAMES FIRE AND BRIMSTONE

LIBERAL EU GOVERNMENTS OVERTHROWN IN MASS RIOTING
POPE: 'I TOLD YOU SO'

CHURCH, SUNDAY SCHOOL ATTENDANCE UP

Power Rankings

A weekly look at the bestseller lists, arbitrarily reordered according to how they SHOULD be doing (with the main criterion being how quickly I can generate a mildly amusing one-liner)

Books

1. Dead Heat, by Dick Francis and Felix Francis (NYT chart position: #3)
NYT description: "Someone is out to destroy a young chef’s New­market restaurant, poisoning food and setting off a bomb."

• And Jack Gourmand, the FBI's Culinary Counterterrorism Expert, is called in to crack the case. He must navigate a series of delicious twists and turns, dropping some of his own bombs in the process, if you, uh, know what I mean.
  

2. Making Money, by Terry Pratchett (NYT chart position: #4)
NYT description: "In this Discworld fantasy, Moist von Lipwig takes over Ankh-Morpork’s Royal Mint."

• But problems abound when Moist von Lipwig has a falling out with business partner Lubricant von Sexmonkey, a longtime friend from their days spent in the pornography industry.
  

3. Johnathan's Story, by Julia London and Alina Adams (NYT chart position: #7)
NYT description: "The story behind Jonathan’s disappearance, based on the TV daytime drama 'Guiding Light'."

• Adapting a soap opera to prose created some interesting challenges for London and Adams. For example, much of the dialogue includes strange turns of the phrase like:

"But Jonathan, can't you love me?" Teresa acted badly.

And:

"Jennifer," Eric said with exaggerated melodrama. "It's not that I don't need you, it's that I can't have you!"

4. The Bone Garden, by Tess Gerritsen (NYT chart position: #10)
NYT description: "A woman finds a skull in her garden, while in the 1830’s, a medical student tracks a killer."

• Wow, it's crazy how she combines two unrelated plot lines -- in two different times! I wonder if I could do that. Let me try: "A man discovers a shovel in his attic, while in the 1830's, a dolphin contemplates God." How about this one: "A child discovers a chess piece in the microwave, while in the 1830's, a bartender loses his watch." I see this evolving into a drinking game.
  

5. Dexter in the Dark, by Jeff Lindsay (NYT chart position: #11)
NYT description: "A gruesome murder forces Dexter to examine the source of his own (benign) homicidal prowess."

• This book actually weaves elements of legal history into the story. In fact, most people don't know that the "benign homicidal prowess" defense was only used once, in 1974. Most scholars agree that it fell out of favor as soon as the words "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, in the course of this trial, you'll discover that my client's homicidal prowess is actually quite benign" caused several members of the jury to involuntarily vomit and several others to burst out laughing. It was then supplanted by the equally incredulous -- but by comparison more compelling -- "Twinkie defense."
  

Film

1. The Game Plan (September 28-30: #1, $22,950,971)
From the Yahoo description: "An NFL quarterback used to the bachelor lifestyle discovers he has a seven-year-old daughter after an ex dies."

• The longer Yahoo write-up for this film established a new low for thematic wordplay: "But his dream is suddenly sacked for a loss when he discovers Peyton, the 8-year-old daughter he never knew existed, on his doorstep." Ooh, and how about this one: "Joe must learn to juggle his old lifestyle of parties, practices and dates with supermodels while tackling the new challenges of ballet, bedtime stories and baby dolls--all without fumbling."

Here's my best effort: "It looks like Joe will have to call an audible on his fast and easy life style, but can he convert an old score from bastard orphan to daughter? Or will her staunch emotional defense stifle his run at legitimate parenthood? It looks like Joe will have to blitz his daughter with affection from all corners if he has any hope of beating the clock and winning at life -- the biggest game of them all." What d'ya think Yahoo? Can I have a job?

2. The Kingdom (September 28-30: #2, $17,135,055)
From the Yahoo description: "A team of U.S. investigators set out to find the perpetrators behind a deadly attack in a Middle Eastern country. "

• This film features former Alias star Jennifer Garner, whose predilection for ridiculous looking costumes encouraged the director to include a scene where she goes undercover as a caricature of a Saudi Arabian woman (native of the "Middle Eastern country" in which the film takes place). Calls by the American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee for the scene's deletion were met with loud ululations by Garner. It was pretty much awkward for everyone involved.
  

3. 3:10 to Yuma (September 28-30: #5, $4,208,366)
From the Yahoo description: "A rancher struggles to support his ranch and family during a long drought. Desperately needing money to build a well, he takes an assignment to transport a notorious felon, in the hands of authorities, to Yuma for imprisonment."

• The Old West was all about being a man and that's why director James Mangold had the balls to cast two foreigners in the lead roles of a western. And it's the same set of balls that permit Mangold to cast Eddie Murphy as the lead role in his new Margaret Thatcher biopic.
  

4. In the Valley of Elah (September 28-30: #14, $1,512,310)
From the Yahoo description: "On his first weekend back after serving in Iraq, Mike Deerfield goes missing and is reported AWOL. When Hank Deerfield, a former military MP and his wife Joan get the phone call with the disturbing news, Hank sets out to search for their son."

• Hollywood loves these "father chases down son" stories, I suppose because of the love vs. duty conflict and the Freudian father issues usually connoted. Here's my slight twist on the idea: when someone kills Sigmund Freud in late 19th centuryVienna, his wife looks for the killer, only to discover that the culprit is her own estranged son. In the exciting confrontation, he proposes to her, chillingly confirming Freud's own worst fears.
  

5. Into the Wild (September 28-30: #20, $631,451)
From the Yahoo description: "Freshly graduated from college with a promising future, 22 year-old Christopher McCandless instead walked out of his privileged life and into the wild in search of adventure. What happened to him on the way transformed this young wanderer into an enduring symbol for countless people."

• An enduring symbol for what? Laziness. Get a damn job.