Power Rankings

A weekly look at the bestseller lists, arbitrarily reordered according to how they SHOULD be doing (with the main criterion being how quickly I can generate a mildly amusing one-liner)

Books

1. Dead Heat, by Dick Francis and Felix Francis (NYT chart position: #3)
NYT description: "Someone is out to destroy a young chef’s New­market restaurant, poisoning food and setting off a bomb."

• And Jack Gourmand, the FBI's Culinary Counterterrorism Expert, is called in to crack the case. He must navigate a series of delicious twists and turns, dropping some of his own bombs in the process, if you, uh, know what I mean.
  

2. Making Money, by Terry Pratchett (NYT chart position: #4)
NYT description: "In this Discworld fantasy, Moist von Lipwig takes over Ankh-Morpork’s Royal Mint."

• But problems abound when Moist von Lipwig has a falling out with business partner Lubricant von Sexmonkey, a longtime friend from their days spent in the pornography industry.
  

3. Johnathan's Story, by Julia London and Alina Adams (NYT chart position: #7)
NYT description: "The story behind Jonathan’s disappearance, based on the TV daytime drama 'Guiding Light'."

• Adapting a soap opera to prose created some interesting challenges for London and Adams. For example, much of the dialogue includes strange turns of the phrase like:

"But Jonathan, can't you love me?" Teresa acted badly.

And:

"Jennifer," Eric said with exaggerated melodrama. "It's not that I don't need you, it's that I can't have you!"

4. The Bone Garden, by Tess Gerritsen (NYT chart position: #10)
NYT description: "A woman finds a skull in her garden, while in the 1830’s, a medical student tracks a killer."

• Wow, it's crazy how she combines two unrelated plot lines -- in two different times! I wonder if I could do that. Let me try: "A man discovers a shovel in his attic, while in the 1830's, a dolphin contemplates God." How about this one: "A child discovers a chess piece in the microwave, while in the 1830's, a bartender loses his watch." I see this evolving into a drinking game.
  

5. Dexter in the Dark, by Jeff Lindsay (NYT chart position: #11)
NYT description: "A gruesome murder forces Dexter to examine the source of his own (benign) homicidal prowess."

• This book actually weaves elements of legal history into the story. In fact, most people don't know that the "benign homicidal prowess" defense was only used once, in 1974. Most scholars agree that it fell out of favor as soon as the words "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, in the course of this trial, you'll discover that my client's homicidal prowess is actually quite benign" caused several members of the jury to involuntarily vomit and several others to burst out laughing. It was then supplanted by the equally incredulous -- but by comparison more compelling -- "Twinkie defense."
  

Film

1. The Game Plan (September 28-30: #1, $22,950,971)
From the Yahoo description: "An NFL quarterback used to the bachelor lifestyle discovers he has a seven-year-old daughter after an ex dies."

• The longer Yahoo write-up for this film established a new low for thematic wordplay: "But his dream is suddenly sacked for a loss when he discovers Peyton, the 8-year-old daughter he never knew existed, on his doorstep." Ooh, and how about this one: "Joe must learn to juggle his old lifestyle of parties, practices and dates with supermodels while tackling the new challenges of ballet, bedtime stories and baby dolls--all without fumbling."

Here's my best effort: "It looks like Joe will have to call an audible on his fast and easy life style, but can he convert an old score from bastard orphan to daughter? Or will her staunch emotional defense stifle his run at legitimate parenthood? It looks like Joe will have to blitz his daughter with affection from all corners if he has any hope of beating the clock and winning at life -- the biggest game of them all." What d'ya think Yahoo? Can I have a job?

2. The Kingdom (September 28-30: #2, $17,135,055)
From the Yahoo description: "A team of U.S. investigators set out to find the perpetrators behind a deadly attack in a Middle Eastern country. "

• This film features former Alias star Jennifer Garner, whose predilection for ridiculous looking costumes encouraged the director to include a scene where she goes undercover as a caricature of a Saudi Arabian woman (native of the "Middle Eastern country" in which the film takes place). Calls by the American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee for the scene's deletion were met with loud ululations by Garner. It was pretty much awkward for everyone involved.
  

3. 3:10 to Yuma (September 28-30: #5, $4,208,366)
From the Yahoo description: "A rancher struggles to support his ranch and family during a long drought. Desperately needing money to build a well, he takes an assignment to transport a notorious felon, in the hands of authorities, to Yuma for imprisonment."

• The Old West was all about being a man and that's why director James Mangold had the balls to cast two foreigners in the lead roles of a western. And it's the same set of balls that permit Mangold to cast Eddie Murphy as the lead role in his new Margaret Thatcher biopic.
  

4. In the Valley of Elah (September 28-30: #14, $1,512,310)
From the Yahoo description: "On his first weekend back after serving in Iraq, Mike Deerfield goes missing and is reported AWOL. When Hank Deerfield, a former military MP and his wife Joan get the phone call with the disturbing news, Hank sets out to search for their son."

• Hollywood loves these "father chases down son" stories, I suppose because of the love vs. duty conflict and the Freudian father issues usually connoted. Here's my slight twist on the idea: when someone kills Sigmund Freud in late 19th centuryVienna, his wife looks for the killer, only to discover that the culprit is her own estranged son. In the exciting confrontation, he proposes to her, chillingly confirming Freud's own worst fears.
  

5. Into the Wild (September 28-30: #20, $631,451)
From the Yahoo description: "Freshly graduated from college with a promising future, 22 year-old Christopher McCandless instead walked out of his privileged life and into the wild in search of adventure. What happened to him on the way transformed this young wanderer into an enduring symbol for countless people."

• An enduring symbol for what? Laziness. Get a damn job.