Free history from the historians!

Creative Differences may have a new enemy in "AP Movie Critic" Christy Lemire. Her latest review of Elizabeth: The Golden Age venomously opens:

"'Elizabeth: The Golden Age' is essentially a Paris couture fashion show with some historical names and details tossed in as a feeble attempt at significance.

Seriously, it's not an exaggeration to say that the entire movie consists of Cate Blanchett trying on various ornate, richly hued dresses with increasingly intricate wigs and headdresses, until one day when the Spanish armada shows up. Costume designer Alexandra Byrne probably should have gotten top billing."

First of all, I'm not sure which AP editor let her get away with the opening "Seriously." I can imagine Lemire's ill fated attempt to be a serious journalist crumble to dust when she submitted an article on the 2000 United States presidential election:

"George Bush defeated Al Gore in a heavily contested election that came down to controversial balloting in the state of Flordia.

Seriously, it was really close and there were, like, all kinds of crazy things happening. The whole night America was like, 'OMG -- who's going to win? Oh wait, pizza's here -- TTYL!'"

But more importantly, what's wrong with turning a historical drama into a "fashion show with some historical names and details tossed in as a feeble attempt at significance?" Sounds like a great idea to me (Zoolander sequel, anyone?). On behalf of the Elizabeth cast and crew, I'd just like to say to you, Ms. Lemire, that your face is a dog show with some eyes and ears tossed in as a feeble attempt at significance. So there!

Frankly, I think the whole epic historical genre in film only stands to gain from a more liberal treatment of the "history." Has anyone ever read a history book? Yawn. Not only are things way more boring in real life, but Manichean distinctions between good and evil are often depressingly absent in the face of moral nuance and multiple perspectives.

History is crap. I want unblemished heroes and irredeemable villains, epic action sequences that decide the fates of nations, and underdogs rising out of the masses to lay claim to immortality. Also, real people are way uglier than actors. Who said history can't be beautiful?

Remember, film is a visual medium. Try not to think of Elizabeth and films like it as history books. Instead, think of them as paintings.

If that distinction doesn't work for you, I propose the following. Read this wikipedia entry on Elizabeth I. Then, once you've finished, watch the trailer below for the new film. Which one did you prefer?