Tuesday 31 July 2007

Saving the Series: Dorky Park


I still remember when, sometime in the mid-90s, my dad gave me a copy of Martin Cruz Smith's Gorky Park. I read the book in one day, completely enthralled by the mystery, which takes place in Soviet Russia and in which Soviet Militsya detective Arkady Renko (who, I maintain, should have been named "Arkasha Kiselyov") must navigate the various twists and turns of Communist Party politics and tense foreign relations in order to solve a mysterious murder case. The book worked because it purported to open up a closed society and, though I read it years after the fall of the Soviet Union, the mood of secrecy and corruption that Smith attributed to backroom Soviet politics -- though likely an authorial invention -- captured my attention nonetheless. I subsequently remember reading Polar Star, the sequel which takes place on a boat and features a distinctly unappealing quantity of fish guts.


It seems that Mr. Cruz Smith is still going with the Renko series and recently released book six, entitled Stalin's Ghost. Though I haven't kept up, a quick glance over synopses of the recent books reveals a persistently savvy Renko navigating the equally twisty and turny twists and turns of post-Soviet politics.

Come on Mr. Cruz Smith (if that's your real name, which it's not!), this is no fun. It wasn't Renko that made the book good, it was the sense that we were getting a behind the scenes look at the Soviet Union. Everyone knows that mysteries taking place in modern capitalist (semi-) democracies are no fun.

Fortunately, I have two ideas on how to resuscitate Renko's character:

1.) Renko solves some kind of huge mystery, is launched to national stardom, runs for president and then slowly consolidates a czar-like stranglehold over Russia. Unfortunately, pursuing this option could result in Mr. Cruz Smith's untimely and mysterious death by polonium poisoning, so I wouldn't recommend it.

2.) Change the location!

This is a great idea. Unfortunately, there are far fewer illiberal and closed governments these days to use as the backdrop for a new novel, so we'll have to be creative. I propose Burma/Myanmar. Think about it:
  • Contentious political history to create lots of intrigue? Check.
  • Military leadership which keeps a tight clamp on information and represses all dissent? Check.
  • Cool, dystopian sounding names for government agencies? How about "State Peace and Development Council"? Check.
What's the hook? It appears that the Myanmar military junta makes most of its decisions based on astrology. This, Mr. Cruz Smith, will be our angle of attack.

My proposed story:

Arkady Renko retires to the beaches of Rangoon (yes, I know Rangoon/Yangon is not on the coast -- it's called creative liberties, ok?) in order to devote more time to his cherished hobby: astrology. While there, he falls in love with a beautiful and mysterious local, herself an astrologer. She leaves hints that her life is more complicated and dangerous than it appears, but Renko consciously ignores them, unwilling to believe his decades long embroilment in various international intrigues could possibly follow him to Myanmar.

Unfortunately, Southeast Asia proves no exception to Renko's Midas touch for mystery and he comes home one day to find his lover dead. She has been strangled and lies on the floor surrounded by odd zodiacal symbols and other Burmese runes Renko cannot decipher. There isn't much, but the clues are just enough to coax him out of retirement and onto the hunt. He combines his street smarts with his knowledge of astrology to pick up the chase in the streets of Rangoon.

To his horror, Renko soon learns that her death holds the clue to a secret government project called Aquarius, one that threatens political stability across the region. Navigating an unknown country without friend or ally, Renko realizes that he is also caught in a race against time and must act before the next zodiacal season puts a diabolical scheme into motion.

When the zodiac forms the sign of murder, only one man can hope to decipher the twelve ecliptic stations before the stars and planets align. If he fails before the moon reaches the Seventh House, the age of Aquarius will dawn. Arkady Renko returns in . . .

The Burmese Horoscope

Power Rankings

A quick look at the bestseller lists, arbitrarily reordered according to how they SHOULD be doing (with the main criterion being how quickly I can generate a mildly amusing one-liner)

Books


1. The Quickie, by James Patterson and Michael Ledwidge (NYT chart position: #2)
NYT description: "A police officer’s attempt to get back at her husband, whom she suspects of cheating on her, goes dangerously awry."

  • Honorary #1 spot for the title alone.
2. The Tin Roof Blowdown, by James Lee Burke (NYT chart position: #4)
NYT description: "The Louisiana detective Dave Robicheaux copes with the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina."

  • Retailing at $26, probably won't be purchased by anyone coping with the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.
3. Up Close and Dangerous, by Linda Howard (NYT chart position: #6)
NYT description: "After a suspicious plane crash, a woman struggles to find a way out of the Idaho wilderness."

  • This title hasn't been taken yet? You've got to be kidding me. I must admit, I'm curious to know what was suspicious about the plane crash and I'm even more curious to know what kinds of plane crashes aren't suspicious.
4. The Bourne Betrayal, by Eric Van Lustbader (NYT chart position: #11)
NYT description: "Continuing the story of Robert Ludlum’s character Jason Bourne, who tangles with a group of diabolical Islamic terrorists."

  • For those of you trying to catch up with the book series before the 3rd movie comes out, the previous Bourne book described how Bourne tangoed with a group of affable Islamic terrorists.
5. The First Commandment, by Brad Thor (NYT chart position: #7)
NYT description: "Scot Harvath, a Homeland Security superagent, is stalked by a terrorist mysteriously released from Guantánamo."

  • Spoiler alert: the First Commandment is "Though Shalt Not Kill (Thy Reader's Dignity by Giving Thy Protagonist the Title of 'Superagent')."
Film

1. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (July 27-29: #3, $17,733,085)
From the Yahoo description: "15-year-old Harry Potter is in full-blown adolescence, complete with regular outbursts of rage, a nearly debilitating crush, and the blooming of a powerful sense of rebellion"
  • Audiences can literally feel the hormones emanating from the screen.
2. Hairspray (July 27-29: #4, $15,899,890)
From the Yahoo description: "Tracy Turnblad, a big girl with big hair and an even bigger heart, has only one passion--dancing."

  • Normally the guy who directed Cheaper by the Dozen 2 wouldn't be a good pick to remake a John Waters film, but his appearances in Paula Abdul and Janet Jackson videos made Adam Shankman the ideal choice.
3. The Simpsons Movie (July 27-29: #1, $74,036,787)
From the Yahoo description: "Homer Simpson must save the world from a catastrophe he himself created."

  • What catastrophe is that? The last 10 years of the Simpsons? (Oh, but I did . . .)
4. Sunshine (July 27-29: #13, #1,262,996)
From the Yahoo description: "Fifty years from now, the sun is dying, and mankind is dying with it. Our last hope: a spaceship and a crew of eight men and women. They carry a device which will breathe new life into the star. "

  • The device? Man-ttractive Cillian Murphy, whose stunning good looks hold the key to reigniting the sun's ardor for earth. Can the crew set the two up in time?
5. Rescue Dawn (July 27-29: #11, $1,650,282)
From the Yahoo description: "Based on the true story of German-born Dieter Dengler, who dreamed of being a test pilot and thus made his way to America, where he joined the military in pursuit of his obsession to fly. On his first mission in Vietnam, he is shot down and captured by Vietcong guerrillas."

  • Rescue Dawn, acclaimed German director Werner Herzog's newest film, is actually a dramatic remake of his celebrated documentary Little Dieter Needs to Fly. Good films have a higher-order meaning. For example, Rescue Dawn isn't just the story of Dieter Dengler, Vietcong POW, it's also a story about Werner Herzog and how he has shot down and taken his own career prisoner.

Monday 30 July 2007

America Becoming More Nerdy

The stars of the 2007 San Diego Comic-Con International, which is some kind of nerd "convention" (not a "confidence scheme" that tricks people into getting excited over mind-numbing crap), were the producers of the hit show "Heroes" which debuted last year to huge ratings. Apparently, the convention intentionally tortured fans to test their love of "Heroes":

The "Heroes" panel, which started at 12:45 p.m. Saturday and was held in the Convention Center's second-biggest room, holding about 4,000 people, hit maximum capacity almost a soon as the doors opened at 10 a.m. Fans arrived early and sat through two other presentations -- for NBC's "Bionic Woman" and a TV Guide panel on TV heroes -- just to hear the "Heroes" creators and to offer their love to the cast. Even Danny Bonaduce stood in line to ask a question. Thousands more waited in line for hours in case, by chance, some room opened up.

My favorite part of this "article" is when even the supposedly objective journalist for HollywoodReporter.com, Borys Kit, takes it out on the nerds:

Also whipping geeks into a frenzy was word of Lucy Lawless returning to Sci Fi's "Battlestar Galactica," and Sam Jones, who played "Flash Gordon" in the 1980 movie, set to appear as a guest star on the channel's upcoming "Flash Gordon" series.

Finally, Kit offers some explanation for the decline of American taste:

At the end of the day, the Comic-Con experience remains a personal one, as attendees indulge in their inner geek. "Sundance is like a museum, and this is like an amusement park," said Michael Davis, director of "Shoot 'Em Up." "I like museums, but I prefer amusement parks."

We've only been working on this blog for one day and I feel its foundations ebbing away as I type. How are we supposed to lampoon popular media -- be it film, book or television -- when popular media now trades on lampooning itself?

Museums and amusement parks?

I guess people are bored of films that teach you things. Now they prefer films that make you throw up.

Marketing Reality: Transgenic


Some things would make awful movies. Good thing we have Hollywood!

Title: Transgenic
Release date: August 15
Rating: R

Dr. Stuart Applejohn (Tom Cruise) is an innocent geneticist trying to breed pigs that secrete fat free bacon. One day his son (the kid from Sixth Sense) comes home from school and wants to join the army. A dedicated pacifist, Applejohn cannot accept his son's decision. As legions of adolescent boys enlist in record numbers, Applejohn becomes suspicious. Along with John Lynchworthy (Jack Black), a slightly eccentric food blogger, Applejohn uncovers a government conspiracy to implant warlike impulses in the nation's youth through genetically modified Pop-Tarts. Applejohn must question everything he believes about the value of transgenic food if he wants to save his son and country from a shadowy circle of ruthless generals and merciless FDA employees who will stop at nothing to keep their plan a secret.

A crisis of faith. A son who rejects him. In order to modify the future, one man must modify himself. Genetically.

Transgenic

Be Careful What You Eat . . .

Harry Potter and the Desperate Blogger

Sam, you're behind the news; Bloomsbury's random title generator was built years ago. It's since been put to work cranking out Chinese counterfeits with such evocative titles as Harry Potter and Leopard-Walk-Up-To-Dragon, Harry Potter and the Filler of Big, or the boy wizard's Mongolian adventure, Herry Potter and beaker snd burn [sic!]

Wikipedia carries a delightful excerpt from Leopard-Walk-Up-To-Dragon, in which Harry attempts to clean the "sticky cake" off his face. Scans of the unauthorized sequels are available here.

Harry Potter and the Greedy Publisher

Now that the Harry Potter book franchise has come to a close, it's only a matter of time before JK Rowling makes major financial mistakes (private island shaped like Hogwarts?) and is forced to franchise the series. Frankly, I welcome this. There's nothing better than books with headers like "The World of Harry Potter Presents . . ." followed by what appears to be a title spun from the Bloomsbury Harry Potter Random Title Generator (patent pending): "INSERT MINOR CHARACTER and the Monkey of Life" or "Hogwarts Revisited: The New Final Stand against the Last Evil Forever."

I've never read one of the Harry Potter books and I don't intend to anytime soon, but I still thought I'd throw in my two cents on how the series will be continued. I figure there are two directions. The first, obvious one is to produce books or movies that appeal to the core demographic of preteens and teenagers. These would be similar stories to the original books, with magic, diabolic schoolboy schemes and the like. But I think it would be a waste to sacrifice the current audience: soon-to-be young adults and embarrassed soon-to-be more than young adults (not to mention thoroughly embarrassed soon-to-be more than adults). Lauded as the quintessential bildungsroman, I propose Harry Potter sequels and offshoots that maintain its coming of age feel. Because the characters are all aging, the new stories can cash in on the real drama that ensues when people cross the age of twenty. As anyone in his mid-20s knows, this kind of stuff is far more interesting than any sort of teen drama.

Here are my ideas:

Harry Potter and the Weight of Regret: Harry uses that stupid time machine from the 3rd movie (the only one I saw) to revisit his previous mistakes.

Harry Potter and the Loss of Innocence: I mean, it has to happen sometime, right?

Harry Potter and the Wandering Gaze: Everyone has second thoughts about love.

Harry Potter and the Shotgun Wedding: Harry proposes to Ginny, she accepts and everything is fine. But when a spur of the moment pregnancy test forebodes another wizard is on the way, Harry and Ginny must tie the knot before it's too late to salvage a respectable reputation for their new arrival. They rush to plan the wedding in a few months, recklessly using magic to speed the process. Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione are having relationship problems of their own (see below). Hilarious consequences ensue.

Of course, the continuing adventures of Harry Potter wouldn't be complete without other characters starring in a book here and there.

Hermione and the Glass Ceiling: I'm not saying it's right, but the sad truth is that wizards aren't any more progressive than anyone else. Fighting the tide of social convention, Hermione faces her greatest challenge yet. Will Harry and Ron rally to her cause or will they awkwardly imply that she is, um, you know, like, maybe taking things too, uh, far? Together, they will discover a compromise that leaves sexism vindicated while creating the illusion of gender parity.

Ron and the Terror of Impotence: (see above)

Draco Malfoy and the Lure of Phrenology: Malfoy takes his belief in the unworthiness of non-pure blood wizards into the lab. His work, while never published, achieves cult status with other annoyingly myopic wizards.