Harry Potter and the Greedy Publisher

Now that the Harry Potter book franchise has come to a close, it's only a matter of time before JK Rowling makes major financial mistakes (private island shaped like Hogwarts?) and is forced to franchise the series. Frankly, I welcome this. There's nothing better than books with headers like "The World of Harry Potter Presents . . ." followed by what appears to be a title spun from the Bloomsbury Harry Potter Random Title Generator (patent pending): "INSERT MINOR CHARACTER and the Monkey of Life" or "Hogwarts Revisited: The New Final Stand against the Last Evil Forever."

I've never read one of the Harry Potter books and I don't intend to anytime soon, but I still thought I'd throw in my two cents on how the series will be continued. I figure there are two directions. The first, obvious one is to produce books or movies that appeal to the core demographic of preteens and teenagers. These would be similar stories to the original books, with magic, diabolic schoolboy schemes and the like. But I think it would be a waste to sacrifice the current audience: soon-to-be young adults and embarrassed soon-to-be more than young adults (not to mention thoroughly embarrassed soon-to-be more than adults). Lauded as the quintessential bildungsroman, I propose Harry Potter sequels and offshoots that maintain its coming of age feel. Because the characters are all aging, the new stories can cash in on the real drama that ensues when people cross the age of twenty. As anyone in his mid-20s knows, this kind of stuff is far more interesting than any sort of teen drama.

Here are my ideas:

Harry Potter and the Weight of Regret: Harry uses that stupid time machine from the 3rd movie (the only one I saw) to revisit his previous mistakes.

Harry Potter and the Loss of Innocence: I mean, it has to happen sometime, right?

Harry Potter and the Wandering Gaze: Everyone has second thoughts about love.

Harry Potter and the Shotgun Wedding: Harry proposes to Ginny, she accepts and everything is fine. But when a spur of the moment pregnancy test forebodes another wizard is on the way, Harry and Ginny must tie the knot before it's too late to salvage a respectable reputation for their new arrival. They rush to plan the wedding in a few months, recklessly using magic to speed the process. Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione are having relationship problems of their own (see below). Hilarious consequences ensue.

Of course, the continuing adventures of Harry Potter wouldn't be complete without other characters starring in a book here and there.

Hermione and the Glass Ceiling: I'm not saying it's right, but the sad truth is that wizards aren't any more progressive than anyone else. Fighting the tide of social convention, Hermione faces her greatest challenge yet. Will Harry and Ron rally to her cause or will they awkwardly imply that she is, um, you know, like, maybe taking things too, uh, far? Together, they will discover a compromise that leaves sexism vindicated while creating the illusion of gender parity.

Ron and the Terror of Impotence: (see above)

Draco Malfoy and the Lure of Phrenology: Malfoy takes his belief in the unworthiness of non-pure blood wizards into the lab. His work, while never published, achieves cult status with other annoyingly myopic wizards.