Power Rankings

A quick look at the bestseller lists, arbitrarily reordered according to how they SHOULD be doing (with the main criterion being how quickly I can generate a mildly amusing one-liner)

Books

1. The Quickie, by James Patterson and Michael Ledwidge (NYT chart position: #2)
NYT description: "A police officer’s attempt to get back at her husband, whom she suspects of cheating on her, goes dangerously awry."

• Honorary #1 spot for the title alone.

2. The Tin Roof Blowdown, by James Lee Burke (NYT chart position: #4)
NYT description: "The Louisiana detective Dave Robicheaux copes with the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina."

• Retailing at $26, probably won't be purchased by anyone coping with the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

3. Up Close and Dangerous, by Linda Howard (NYT chart position: #6)
NYT description: "After a suspicious plane crash, a woman struggles to find a way out of the Idaho wilderness."

• This title hasn't been taken yet? You've got to be kidding me. I must admit, I'm curious to know what was suspicious about the plane crash and I'm even more curious to know what kinds of plane crashes aren't suspicious.

4. The Bourne Betrayal, by Eric Van Lustbader (NYT chart position: #11)
NYT description: "Continuing the story of Robert Ludlum’s character Jason Bourne, who tangles with a group of diabolical Islamic terrorists."

• For those of you trying to catch up with the book series before the 3rd movie comes out, the previous Bourne book described how Bourne tangoed with a group of affable Islamic terrorists.

5. The First Commandment, by Brad Thor (NYT chart position: #7)
NYT description: "Scot Harvath, a Homeland Security superagent, is stalked by a terrorist mysteriously released from Guantánamo."

• Spoiler alert: the First Commandment is "Though Shalt Not Kill (Thy Reader's Dignity by Giving Thy Protagonist the Title of 'Superagent')."

Film

1. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (July 27-29: #3, $17,733,085)
From the Yahoo description: "15-year-old Harry Potter is in full-blown adolescence, complete with regular outbursts of rage, a nearly debilitating crush, and the blooming of a powerful sense of rebellion"

• Audiences can literally feel the hormones emanating from the screen.

2. Hairspray (July 27-29: #4, $15,899,890)
From the Yahoo description: "Tracy Turnblad, a big girl with big hair and an even bigger heart, has only one passion--dancing."

• Normally the guy who directed Cheaper by the Dozen 2 wouldn't be a good pick to remake a John Waters film, but his appearances in Paula Abdul and Janet Jackson videos made Adam Shankman the ideal choice.

3. The Simpsons Movie (July 27-29: #1, $74,036,787)
From the Yahoo description: "Homer Simpson must save the world from a catastrophe he himself created."

• What catastrophe is that? The last 10 years of the Simpsons? (Oh, but I did . . .)

4. Sunshine (July 27-29: #13, #1,262,996)
From the Yahoo description: "Fifty years from now, the sun is dying, and mankind is dying with it. Our last hope: a spaceship and a crew of eight men and women. They carry a device which will breathe new life into the star. "

• The device? Man-ttractive Cillian Murphy, whose stunning good looks hold the key to reigniting the sun's ardor for earth. Can the crew set the two up in time?

5. Rescue Dawn (July 27-29: #11, $1,650,282)
From the Yahoo description: "Based on the true story of German-born Dieter Dengler, who dreamed of being a test pilot and thus made his way to America, where he joined the military in pursuit of his obsession to fly. On his first mission in Vietnam, he is shot down and captured by Vietcong guerrillas."

• Rescue Dawn, acclaimed German director Werner Herzog's newest film, is actually a dramatic remake of his celebrated documentary Little Dieter Needs to Fly. Good films have a higher-order meaning. For example, Rescue Dawn isn't just the story of Dieter Dengler, Vietcong POW, it's also a story about Werner Herzog and how he has shot down and taken his own career prisoner.