Power Rankings

A weekly look at the bestseller lists, arbitrarily reordered according to how they SHOULD be doing (with the main criterion being how quickly I can generate a mildly amusing one-liner)

Books

1. Playing for Pizza, by John Grisham (NYT chart position: #1)
NYT description: "An American third-string quarterback joins the Italian National Football League’s Parma Panthers."

• At first this book disappointed me as a departure from Grisham's wildly successful career as a writer of legal thrillers, but then I realized that he's actually pulled off a surprise twist ending to his own life: you know, where he gives up a lucrative career in order to write crap. Now that's a spicy meatball!
  

2. The Choice, by Nicholas Sparks (NYT chart position: #2)
NYT description: "How the choices made by a North Carolina man and the neighbor with whom he falls in love play out in their lives."

• Sparks is already planning a sequel called The Counterfactual Choice, which explores how the choices made by a North Carolina man would have played out in his life had he not fallen in love with his neighbor.
  

3. Shoot Him If He Runs, by Stuart Woods (NYT chart position: #5)
NYT description: "Stone Barrington, the New York cop turned lawyer, tracks a rogue C.I.A. agent on a Caribbean island."

• All while new sidekick Rasta Fred, the Los Angeles accountant turned Caribbean chef, drives Barrington bonkers. Hilarity ensues.
  

4. Bridge of Sighs, by Richard Russo (NYT chart position: #6)
NYT description: "The entangled lives of an upstate New York couple and their best friend."

• Is he, like, a best friend with benefits? If not, this book doesn't sound that interesting.
  

5. The Orc King, by R.A. Salvatore (NYT chart position: #7)
NYT description: "The dark elf Drizzt Do’Urden seeks vengeance against the orcs in the first book of a new fantasy trilogy."

• Before you judge Drizzt Do'Urden, think about what it would be like if orcs killed your own dark elf brethren. After you've thought about that, feel free to wet your pants from laughing so hard.

Once again, it was a slow week in film, so "Power Rankings" will just be limited to books until next week.