Pimp My Film

I want to console all the starving children of the world by reminding them that they have it a whole lot easier than Romanian director Cristian Mungiu, whose film has only managed to garner one of the industry's top awards. That's right, Mungiu had the misfortune of winning the Palme d'Or at Cannes for his film 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days (original title: Around 5 Months; sequel: Another 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days; third installment: 4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days: Tokyo Drift).

Doesn't sound so bad? Well try this on for size you heartless bastard: apparently the award has not helped Mungiu attract the international audience he so desperately craves. According to Christine Kearney of Reuters, Mungiu "says reaching a wider audience is more important to him than the glory of awards." Adds Mungiu himself, "I don't see myself as an arthouse filmmaker, making films for small theaters and few people."

Hey man, fair enough. So Kearney, what's this film about anyway?

"Mungiu's film takes a bleak look at two girls negotiating an abortion during the regime of leader Nicolae Ceausescu when abortion was illegal."

Hmm, that seems like kind of a downer. On top of the heartwarming plot, it turns out the film takes place in Bucharest. For anyone who has never traveled there, it's pretty much the most depressing city on the planet. It's like Ceausescu and the Communists actually figured out how to extinguish joy along with market capitalism. Perhaps it was too bourgeois an emotion.

Anyway, I think I've figured out Mangiu's problem. There's no way such a heavy film could ever appeal to a wide, international audience. We go to the movies to have fun and escape reality, not to learn how grave it truly is.

Here's my idea for how to alter the film for an international re-release that I promise will launch Mangiu into the mainstream:

Location: shift the film from Bucharest -- basically Europe's equivalent of the old suburban mall no one goes to anymore -- to somewhere with a little more splash. How about Los Angeles? There aren't too many films set there.

Characters: two Romanian girls wouldn't really work in Los Angeles. Let's make them high school girls from one of those uber-rich Orange County suburbs.

Conflict: unwanted pregnancy is great. You scored an ace there Mr. Mangiu.

Plot: illegal abortion? Sounds a little controversial to me. How about they go on a road trip which transforms into a journey of self-discovery? They'll laugh, they'll cry, they'll learn all about life, love, and . . . themselves.

Resolution: the girl who's preggers keeps the baby, but raises it with the handsome and caring man she met on the road trip, played by Hugh Grant, an affable and clumsy British hitchhiker the girls pick up outside Las Vegas.

Finally, the current title is too boring. I fell asleep after the 4 months and 3 weeks. New title? Never Look Back. I have no idea how that's relevant to the film I outlined, but it's catchy isn't it?

The lesson here is simple. The pursuit of a wide audience entails a film about the ideas, desires or beliefs that unite us all. Those are hard to find, so it's generally easier to appeal to the lowest common denominator.