Power Rankings: Books

Ok homeboys and homegirls (bizarre, Blogger spell-check approves of homeboys, but not homegirls -- sexist pigs!), we've got a new format for Power Rankings. From here on out, I'm going to just alternate each week between books and films, throwing a "special edition" Power Rankings in here and there. So without further ado, saddle up folks, 'cause it's time to lampoon some new books!

Books

1. Protect and Defend, by Vince Flynn (NYT chart position: #1)
NYT description: "An American counterterrorism operative has to avert catastrophe in nuclear Iran."

• Like what? Like a nuclear bomb going off or diarrhea from bad Tehranian street food? Both seem pretty catastrophic.
  

2. Book of the Dead, by Patricia Cornwall (NYT chart position: #2)
NYT description: "The forensic pathologist Kay Scarpetta opens a private practice in Charleston, S.C."

• How will she navigate the pitfalls of balancing the accounts and finding a good health plan? Join Dr. Scarpetta for her most dangerous adventure yet!
  

3. Amazing Grace, by Danielle Steel (NYT chart position: #5)
NYT description: "A San Francisco earthquake brings four strangers together."

• As they say, every natural disaster has a silver lining.

("You know guys, I'm not gonna say it hasn't been difficult living in the ruins of our once prosperous lives the last few days, not to mention our own filth, but it's been really great meeting all of you. Dibs on the shoe-leather soup.")

4. Now and Then, by Robert B. Parker (NYT chart position: #11)
NYT description: "What looked like a simple matrimonial case for the Boston P.I. turns out to involve a group that sponsors terrorists."

• "Does anyone other than the man with dynamite strapped to his chest feel that these two should not be joined in holy matrimony?"
  

5. Everlasting, by Kathleen E. Woodiwiss (NYT chart position: #13)
NYT description: "In 12th-century London, a woman from a fallen family promises to marry a shady character despite her attraction to someone else."

• I'm not medievalist, but I'm not sure anyone was called "shady" in 12th-century London: "For sooth, Bartholomew, but methinks the fair and noble Gwendomere hath betrothed herself to a rightly sketch-tastic knight. Thinketh you the same, therewith?"