Saving the Series: Spiderman, Part I

I just saw an illegal copy of Spiderman 3 and the Creative Differences alarm started blaring at Defcon 1. This series seriously needs some assistance if it's going to survive. I didn't see the middle 15 minutes of the film, mainly because it wasn't included with the other pirated copy I found on the Interwebs. Although, from what I did see, it was clear that I hadn't missed anything all that worthwhile.

The film itself is relatively incoherent. Peter Parker loves Mary Jane, but has become implausibly self-absorbed thanks to the overwhelming popularity of Spiderman. Meanwhile, a co-worker becomes jealous, Mary Jane resents Peter Parker's crime fighting responsibilities, the guy who killed his uncle in the first movie gets turned into a sand monster and uses his power to illicitly secure funds to sponsor his daughter's recovery from some terminal illness, a weird alien substance falls onto earth and follows Peter home, and Harry Osborn fights Peter, almost dies, wakes up with no memory, then remembers that he hates Peter and tries to kill him before realizing that Peter didn't kill his dad. They join forces and urinate all over the bad guys.

Did I say incoherent? I meant . . . incoherent. And I didn't even mention that the alien infects Peter's Spiderman suit, giving him the ability to remain impervious to shame as he walks down the street dancing to disco music with a ridiculous Emo haircut. The alien then infects Topher Grace who morphs into yet another villain.

If you don't believe me, watch the trailer for yourself.



This is a tough nut to crack but, as I see it, there are three main problems.

1. Too many villains: this is what always happens when a production company finds it impossible to develop a compelling plot for an action movie. They substitute villains for substance. In the third Spiderman film, Peter has to fight the Sandman, Osborn, the alien, Topher Grace infected by the alien, and his own self-absorption. That's five villains! No one can handle that much evil in 120 minutes.

2. The talent disparity is too great: I never thought I'd say this about Topher Grace and a guy who once starred in Wings, but I think they may actually be too good for the Spiderman franchise. What made the first two films great was a collection of mediocre talent that we've convinced ourselves "isn't that bad." Tobey Maguire, Willem Dafoe, Alfred Molina. Let's not kid ourselves here, these people hold their own as character actors, but they're not going to win any Oscars (I know Willem Dafoe was in The English Patient, but he was also the unconvincing gay detective from Boondock Saints, turning in one of the most ridiculous drag scenes in film history). And that's not to mention Kirsten Dunst, who has gone from promising young actress to Julia Stiles territory. These films don't need actors who are "good," they need more people like James Franco who equate stage directions like "anger" with "constipated."

3. Too many personal issues: It's important for a superhero to have personal challenges. It allows us to identify with him. But the personal struggles our hero faces can only be oversimplified versions of our own struggles so that we can yell obvious advice at him during the course of the film like "Yes, she'll care if you cancel the wedding in order to help the government save the world" or "No, you idiot, don't tell her that dress makes her look 'less fat' than the other one!" In the last Spiderman film, every scene that wasn't a battle between Spiderman and a supernatural monster was, instead, a battle between Spiderman and his own poor personal judgment. The second Spiderman film got this right: Spiderman fights Dr. Octopus, Spiderman has issues with the responsibilities of being a superhero, Spiderman has issues with Harry because Harry's dad was a villain. If one abstracts from those specific conflicts, it is possible to see how well they are organized: Hero vs. Villain, Hero vs. Himself, Hero vs. Villain/Alter ego vs. Friend. Two of the struggles take place in "separate" worlds and, in the last, the two worlds overlap.

So those are the main challenges to continuing the Spiderman franchise. Essentially, it needs to rediscover its direction. Because this was such a long post, I'll propose some solutions later this week. Can the Spiderman franchise be saved? Or will the forces of darkness overcome Hollywood's once vaunted capacity to produce action blockbusters? Find out next time in "Saving the Series" . . .