A possible return to the blog

I have been contemplating posting for a while now but after seeing this post from Stephen Dubner on the Freakonomics blog, I decided if nothing else I had to share it with the much much smaller world who reads this and for some reason doesn't read the Freakonomics blog.

Best Post of the Week

If I can muster up the energy to compose other, less linky things I will continue.  Otherwise here are a few things you should do while awaiting my next missive:

• Buy the first season of Friday Night Lights.  And by "buy" I mean download it here.  If you don't know what a torrent is, read about it here (along with other ways to catch up on TV).  After you have finished watching it, start watching FNL Season 2. Unlike the presidential elections, one person CAN make a difference.... if that one person is Jeff Zucker.
• Buy the first season Dexter.  Same as FNL, 'buy' it then start watching the second season. Its off the hook good.
• Don't buy a copy of the oft mentioned book by John Grisham Playing for Pizza.  I made the HUGE mistake of buying it and now plan to burn each page individually. Since they charged me $20 for a 250 page book, that's 8 cents a page.  Its actually worse than Bleachers which I assumed was his real low point.
• Buy every Richard Russo book ever written.  You can pass on the book of short stories (they are all eventually turned into the books you have just purchased).  He won the Pulitzer for Empire Falls but my favorite is The Risk Pool. His new one isn't the best but also isn't the worst. I wasn't a fan of the ending but its probably because im an asshole and possibly because I can't empathize with a 60 year old woman.

 

• Last but not least, convince your friends to read this blog.  If you cant, you should visit it atleast once from each computer you use so it can have more hits. 

Weekly Hebdomad

More format changes, suckas (I told you I was crazy). I've decided to embed "Weekly Plot" within a whole gaggle of "Weeklies." So every Friday, I'll count down seven weekly tidbits at least tangentially related to whatever loose and tattered threads somehow hold Creative Differences together.

7. Weekly Plot:

Old Good Guy (OGG) becomes Bad Guy (BG) because he decides system is corrupt, feels he has not gotten his due, or just goes insane. Due to extreme insider knowledge of Institution/Organization (I/O) in which he was leading participant -- thanks to former status as OGG -- BG executes devious plot against which I/O has no good defense. I/O recruits young, spunky Specialist to defeat BG, possibly with the help of Grizzled Outsider (GO) who may also have been a former nemesis of BG. Together, Specialist and GO beat BG and show that his transformation from OGG to BG embodies the rejection of everything he once cherished. Then they kill him.

6. Weekly Trailer:

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson tramples on T.S. Elliot's grave in new Richard Kelly attempt at cinematic masturbation.

Can you smmmmeellllllll what The Rock's got rhymin'?



5. Weekly Book Release:

Ken Follett proves that 1,000 pages couldn't do justice to the exciting twists and turns that accompany the construction of a 12th-century cathedral. Excuse me, waiter, 1,000 more please!

4. Weekly Bad Career Move:

Film columnist Nikki Finke: "All [movie] moguls are morons."

Take a cue from Ms. Finke and work in an industry for which you harbor only contempt. It's the secret to happiness.

3. Weekly Absurd Jacket Copy:

From John Grisham's new novel, Playing for Pizza: "To say that Italy—the land of opera, fine wines, extremely small cars, romance, and Football Americano— holds a few surprises for Rick Dockery would be something of an understatement."

Yes, Italy has indeed always been known as the "Land of Extremely Small Cars." In fact, they have considered etching the slogan into their miniature license plates.

2. Weekly Film Slogan:

Sydney White: "Freshman Year Is No Fairy Tale"

Yet somehow I feel the movie ultimately suggests the opposite.

1. Weekly Thing You Need to Know:

Help me celebrities, you're internet procrastination's only hope.

Free history from the historians!

Creative Differences may have a new enemy in "AP Movie Critic" Christy Lemire. Her latest review of Elizabeth: The Golden Age venomously opens:

"'Elizabeth: The Golden Age' is essentially a Paris couture fashion show with some historical names and details tossed in as a feeble attempt at significance.

Seriously, it's not an exaggeration to say that the entire movie consists of Cate Blanchett trying on various ornate, richly hued dresses with increasingly intricate wigs and headdresses, until one day when the Spanish armada shows up. Costume designer Alexandra Byrne probably should have gotten top billing."

First of all, I'm not sure which AP editor let her get away with the opening "Seriously." I can imagine Lemire's ill fated attempt to be a serious journalist crumble to dust when she submitted an article on the 2000 United States presidential election:

"George Bush defeated Al Gore in a heavily contested election that came down to controversial balloting in the state of Flordia.

Seriously, it was really close and there were, like, all kinds of crazy things happening. The whole night America was like, 'OMG -- who's going to win? Oh wait, pizza's here -- TTYL!'"

But more importantly, what's wrong with turning a historical drama into a "fashion show with some historical names and details tossed in as a feeble attempt at significance?" Sounds like a great idea to me (Zoolander sequel, anyone?). On behalf of the Elizabeth cast and crew, I'd just like to say to you, Ms. Lemire, that your face is a dog show with some eyes and ears tossed in as a feeble attempt at significance. So there!

Frankly, I think the whole epic historical genre in film only stands to gain from a more liberal treatment of the "history." Has anyone ever read a history book? Yawn. Not only are things way more boring in real life, but Manichean distinctions between good and evil are often depressingly absent in the face of moral nuance and multiple perspectives.

History is crap. I want unblemished heroes and irredeemable villains, epic action sequences that decide the fates of nations, and underdogs rising out of the masses to lay claim to immortality. Also, real people are way uglier than actors. Who said history can't be beautiful?

Remember, film is a visual medium. Try not to think of Elizabeth and films like it as history books. Instead, think of them as paintings.

If that distinction doesn't work for you, I propose the following. Read this wikipedia entry on Elizabeth I. Then, once you've finished, watch the trailer below for the new film. Which one did you prefer?

A Thriller of Supreme Proportions

When I read that Justice Clarence Thomas has released his memoirs, it occurred to me that the "Supreme Court" may be completely untapped as the setting for a crime thriller (if there is a Supreme Court crime thriller out there, please don't tell me -- I prefer ignorance). It's an insular organization at a sufficiently high level of government that a story could intersect with frightening intrigues, and, on top of all of that, many of the main characters wear flowing black robes. Could it get any better?

Here's my flap jacket copy for such a novel:

Rob Flash is the hot new law student called up to clerk for the Supreme Court of the United States. He is assigned to Justice Ian McAvoy, who has secured a reputation as the court's decisive swing voter. On the eve of a controversial abortion case, McAvoy dies of a supposed heart attack. Despite the tragedy, the court and the nation must move on. The conservative president attempts to alter the outcome of the case by appointing a political ally to the court. Meanwhile, pro-choice activists and legislators vehemently oppose the move and castigate the president for hijacking the judicial process through partisan appointments.

In the middle of this political firestorm, Flash begins to question whether McAvoy's death was truly natural. Unable to quench his thirst for the truth, the young flash begins snooping around the court for clues. Soon, powerful and unseen forces thwart his investigation at every step, even going so far as to threaten his life. Undeterred, Flash's quest for truth turns into the pursuit of justice as he chases after the man he believes killed Justice McAvoy -- a journey that leads him to the heart of back room conspiracies and political intrigues he could never have imagined. Caught between determined conservative leaders, religious fundamentalists, and fanatical womens' rights groups, Flash must navigate the turbulent nexus of law and politics, a world far darker than any an idealistic law student could have ever imagined.

He believed in the law, but he encountered a murder so unprecedented not even stare decisis could guide him. Now he must race against time in order to stop the gravest threat the republic has ever faced. No objection will be sustained, no action out of order, no curae in any way amicus. Rob Flash is . . .

The Last Resort

Power Rankings

A weekly look at the bestseller lists, arbitrarily reordered according to how they SHOULD be doing (with the main criterion being how quickly I can generate a mildly amusing one-liner)

Books

1. Playing for Pizza, by John Grisham (NYT chart position: #1)
NYT description: "An American third-string quarterback joins the Italian National Football League’s Parma Panthers."

• At first this book disappointed me as a departure from Grisham's wildly successful career as a writer of legal thrillers, but then I realized that he's actually pulled off a surprise twist ending to his own life: you know, where he gives up a lucrative career in order to write crap. Now that's a spicy meatball!
  

2. The Choice, by Nicholas Sparks (NYT chart position: #2)
NYT description: "How the choices made by a North Carolina man and the neighbor with whom he falls in love play out in their lives."

• Sparks is already planning a sequel called The Counterfactual Choice, which explores how the choices made by a North Carolina man would have played out in his life had he not fallen in love with his neighbor.
  

3. Shoot Him If He Runs, by Stuart Woods (NYT chart position: #5)
NYT description: "Stone Barrington, the New York cop turned lawyer, tracks a rogue C.I.A. agent on a Caribbean island."

• All while new sidekick Rasta Fred, the Los Angeles accountant turned Caribbean chef, drives Barrington bonkers. Hilarity ensues.
  

4. Bridge of Sighs, by Richard Russo (NYT chart position: #6)
NYT description: "The entangled lives of an upstate New York couple and their best friend."

• Is he, like, a best friend with benefits? If not, this book doesn't sound that interesting.
  

5. The Orc King, by R.A. Salvatore (NYT chart position: #7)
NYT description: "The dark elf Drizzt Do’Urden seeks vengeance against the orcs in the first book of a new fantasy trilogy."

• Before you judge Drizzt Do'Urden, think about what it would be like if orcs killed your own dark elf brethren. After you've thought about that, feel free to wet your pants from laughing so hard.

Once again, it was a slow week in film, so "Power Rankings" will just be limited to books until next week.

Fred Thompson: The Movie

Fred Thompson's embattled campaign has received no reprieve from the media lately. In addition to the SNL skit below, newspapers have documented Thompson's inability to stir up much enthusiasm from even nominal supporters.




As lampooned in the SNL skit, Thompson seemed to hit a new low when he had to demand applause from an audience:



Is there a cure for the robotic and emotionless attitude exerting a stranglehold on Thompson's campaign? Creative Differences thinks there is and, as always, is here to help.

As many people know, Mr. Thompson is not only a former senator for the state of Tennessee, he has also appeared in numerous film and television roles, notably in The Hunt for Red October and In the Line of Fire, as well as a recurring role in the television series "Law & Order."

"Is this really the right outfit for Rear Admiral Joshua Painter of the USS Enterprise? And should a Republican really play the rank of rear admiral? What? It's an honest question."

Before I can prescribe the cure for Thompson's weakened campaign, I need to make a diagnosis (dudes, I am rocking these metaphors). My professional opinion is that Mr. Thompson has played so many roles for so long, he no longer knows how to "play" a real human being, as it were. He has instead become an empty husk, a mere vessel for his many memorable Hollywood roles.

So what to do? I recommend, in addition to rest and exercise, that Mr. Thompson run for president in cinematic form. No, no, I'm not recommending some kind of lame campaign documentary. Instead, I suggest that Mr. Thompson, produce, direct and star in a drama depicting the ups and downs of an ultimately successful presidential campaign. At the very least, it will provide Mr. Thompson the chance to experience what running a real presidential campaign would actually be like.

He was a senator, a lover, a dreamer, and a character actor. His approach was controversial, his resolve unforgiving, and his love of Thin Mints unmatched. When he came to Americans with his vision of hope, most of them wouldn't listen, or they would fall asleep before they could decide. But because he believed, he refused to take "no" for an answer . . . or accept silence as tacit, uninterested way of saying "no."

With Former Senator Fred Thompson starring as Former Senator Fred Thompson, Brit Hume as Richard Nixon, and Julia Roberts as Democratic contender Hilary Clinton, Miramax Pictures brings you a story of triumph over adversity and values over gender parity in politics.

His opponents tried to discredit him. His allies struggled to remember his name or what he looked like. Yet, when it mattered the most, he rose from the ashes of defeat and seized the burning fires of victory before strangling the obnoxious throat of turgid metaphor.

This October, Fred Thompson is The Last Candidate Standing

Marketing Reality: Saving Anthropologist Ryan

Some things would make awful movies. Good thing we have Hollywood!

Title: Saving Anthropologist Ryan
Release Date: December 12, 2007
Rating: R

James Ryan (Matt Damon) is an anthropologist recruited by the United States Army to accompany military units in Afghanistan. At first, his civilian naïveté alienates the other members of his platoon. But eventually, his ability to navigate the local culture and spot signs of oncoming danger helps him gain acceptance within the unit. One night, an intense firefight in the mountains separates him from the others and leaves him lost in the mountains. Devoted to him as though he were one of their own, the platoon will stop at nothing to find and rescue their colleague and friend, while Ryan must put aside his smarts and rely solely on his wits in order to survive a hostile terrain, one where dangers lurk around every jagged and mountainous corner.

He was a scholar. They were soldiers. But in a time of war, they share a friendship that cannot be broken.

Saving Anthropologist Ryan

This December, a study in culture becomes a lesson in brotherhood . . .

Pimp My Film

I want to console all the starving children of the world by reminding them that they have it a whole lot easier than Romanian director Cristian Mungiu, whose film has only managed to garner one of the industry's top awards. That's right, Mungiu had the misfortune of winning the Palme d'Or at Cannes for his film 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days (original title: Around 5 Months; sequel: Another 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days; third installment: 4 Months, 3 Weeks, and 2 Days: Tokyo Drift).

Doesn't sound so bad? Well try this on for size you heartless bastard: apparently the award has not helped Mungiu attract the international audience he so desperately craves. According to Christine Kearney of Reuters, Mungiu "says reaching a wider audience is more important to him than the glory of awards." Adds Mungiu himself, "I don't see myself as an arthouse filmmaker, making films for small theaters and few people."

Hey man, fair enough. So Kearney, what's this film about anyway?

"Mungiu's film takes a bleak look at two girls negotiating an abortion during the regime of leader Nicolae Ceausescu when abortion was illegal."

Hmm, that seems like kind of a downer. On top of the heartwarming plot, it turns out the film takes place in Bucharest. For anyone who has never traveled there, it's pretty much the most depressing city on the planet. It's like Ceausescu and the Communists actually figured out how to extinguish joy along with market capitalism. Perhaps it was too bourgeois an emotion.

Anyway, I think I've figured out Mangiu's problem. There's no way such a heavy film could ever appeal to a wide, international audience. We go to the movies to have fun and escape reality, not to learn how grave it truly is.

Here's my idea for how to alter the film for an international re-release that I promise will launch Mangiu into the mainstream:

Location: shift the film from Bucharest -- basically Europe's equivalent of the old suburban mall no one goes to anymore -- to somewhere with a little more splash. How about Los Angeles? There aren't too many films set there.

Characters: two Romanian girls wouldn't really work in Los Angeles. Let's make them high school girls from one of those uber-rich Orange County suburbs.

Conflict: unwanted pregnancy is great. You scored an ace there Mr. Mangiu.

Plot: illegal abortion? Sounds a little controversial to me. How about they go on a road trip which transforms into a journey of self-discovery? They'll laugh, they'll cry, they'll learn all about life, love, and . . . themselves.

Resolution: the girl who's preggers keeps the baby, but raises it with the handsome and caring man she met on the road trip, played by Hugh Grant, an affable and clumsy British hitchhiker the girls pick up outside Las Vegas.

Finally, the current title is too boring. I fell asleep after the 4 months and 3 weeks. New title? Never Look Back. I have no idea how that's relevant to the film I outlined, but it's catchy isn't it?

The lesson here is simple. The pursuit of a wide audience entails a film about the ideas, desires or beliefs that unite us all. Those are hard to find, so it's generally easier to appeal to the lowest common denominator.

God exists, details at 10

If God held a version of the White House Correspondents Dinner, it would probably resemble the Religion Newswriters Association annual meeting. According to Lynn Garrett of Publisher's Weekly, this year's conference featured fiery debates over a number of "hot topics," including "politics, writing for new media, reporting the end of the world, and the continuing growth of megachurches."

I imagine it must be very difficult, from both a newspaper editor and journalist's point of view, to decide the very best way to report the end of the world, a news story grossly under reported by the liberal media. Beyond the run of the mill challenges such as the ethics of quoting unnamed sources and issues of translation, there are problems endemic to the end of the world itself. For example, what biblical passages should newspapers highlight, and how should they be interpreted? Who can newspapers reliably report will be condemned to eternal damnation and who will be exalted to eternal salvation? That's not an area where anyone wants to be surprised.

Of course, the biggest problem for any editor is the headline. My thoughts, free of charge, for members of the Religion Newswriters Association:

FAMILIES TO REUNITE WITH LOST LOVED ONES
LOCATION TO BE DISCLOSED ON JUDGMENT DAY

WORLD WIPED CLEAN
ENVIRONMENTALISTS APPLAUD NEW RELIGIOUS INITIATIVE TO SAVE PLANET

RELIGIOUSLY MOTIVATED VIOLENCE ENDS WORLDWIDE
NON-BELIEVERS RELINQUISH ARMS AND SOULS

HOLY TRINITY PLUMMETS IN POLLS
RESPONDENTS SAY KINGDOM OF HEAVEN 'OVERRATED'

CALIFORNIA BRUSH FIRES DECLARED 'WORST IN YEARS'
SCHWARZENEGGER ANNOUNCES STATE OF EMERGENCY, BLAMES FIRE AND BRIMSTONE

LIBERAL EU GOVERNMENTS OVERTHROWN IN MASS RIOTING
POPE: 'I TOLD YOU SO'

CHURCH, SUNDAY SCHOOL ATTENDANCE UP

Power Rankings

A weekly look at the bestseller lists, arbitrarily reordered according to how they SHOULD be doing (with the main criterion being how quickly I can generate a mildly amusing one-liner)

Books

1. Dead Heat, by Dick Francis and Felix Francis (NYT chart position: #3)
NYT description: "Someone is out to destroy a young chef’s New­market restaurant, poisoning food and setting off a bomb."

• And Jack Gourmand, the FBI's Culinary Counterterrorism Expert, is called in to crack the case. He must navigate a series of delicious twists and turns, dropping some of his own bombs in the process, if you, uh, know what I mean.
  

2. Making Money, by Terry Pratchett (NYT chart position: #4)
NYT description: "In this Discworld fantasy, Moist von Lipwig takes over Ankh-Morpork’s Royal Mint."

• But problems abound when Moist von Lipwig has a falling out with business partner Lubricant von Sexmonkey, a longtime friend from their days spent in the pornography industry.
  

3. Johnathan's Story, by Julia London and Alina Adams (NYT chart position: #7)
NYT description: "The story behind Jonathan’s disappearance, based on the TV daytime drama 'Guiding Light'."

• Adapting a soap opera to prose created some interesting challenges for London and Adams. For example, much of the dialogue includes strange turns of the phrase like:

"But Jonathan, can't you love me?" Teresa acted badly.

And:

"Jennifer," Eric said with exaggerated melodrama. "It's not that I don't need you, it's that I can't have you!"

4. The Bone Garden, by Tess Gerritsen (NYT chart position: #10)
NYT description: "A woman finds a skull in her garden, while in the 1830’s, a medical student tracks a killer."

• Wow, it's crazy how she combines two unrelated plot lines -- in two different times! I wonder if I could do that. Let me try: "A man discovers a shovel in his attic, while in the 1830's, a dolphin contemplates God." How about this one: "A child discovers a chess piece in the microwave, while in the 1830's, a bartender loses his watch." I see this evolving into a drinking game.
  

5. Dexter in the Dark, by Jeff Lindsay (NYT chart position: #11)
NYT description: "A gruesome murder forces Dexter to examine the source of his own (benign) homicidal prowess."

• This book actually weaves elements of legal history into the story. In fact, most people don't know that the "benign homicidal prowess" defense was only used once, in 1974. Most scholars agree that it fell out of favor as soon as the words "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, in the course of this trial, you'll discover that my client's homicidal prowess is actually quite benign" caused several members of the jury to involuntarily vomit and several others to burst out laughing. It was then supplanted by the equally incredulous -- but by comparison more compelling -- "Twinkie defense."
  

Film

1. The Game Plan (September 28-30: #1, $22,950,971)
From the Yahoo description: "An NFL quarterback used to the bachelor lifestyle discovers he has a seven-year-old daughter after an ex dies."

• The longer Yahoo write-up for this film established a new low for thematic wordplay: "But his dream is suddenly sacked for a loss when he discovers Peyton, the 8-year-old daughter he never knew existed, on his doorstep." Ooh, and how about this one: "Joe must learn to juggle his old lifestyle of parties, practices and dates with supermodels while tackling the new challenges of ballet, bedtime stories and baby dolls--all without fumbling."

Here's my best effort: "It looks like Joe will have to call an audible on his fast and easy life style, but can he convert an old score from bastard orphan to daughter? Or will her staunch emotional defense stifle his run at legitimate parenthood? It looks like Joe will have to blitz his daughter with affection from all corners if he has any hope of beating the clock and winning at life -- the biggest game of them all." What d'ya think Yahoo? Can I have a job?

2. The Kingdom (September 28-30: #2, $17,135,055)
From the Yahoo description: "A team of U.S. investigators set out to find the perpetrators behind a deadly attack in a Middle Eastern country. "

• This film features former Alias star Jennifer Garner, whose predilection for ridiculous looking costumes encouraged the director to include a scene where she goes undercover as a caricature of a Saudi Arabian woman (native of the "Middle Eastern country" in which the film takes place). Calls by the American-Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee for the scene's deletion were met with loud ululations by Garner. It was pretty much awkward for everyone involved.
  

3. 3:10 to Yuma (September 28-30: #5, $4,208,366)
From the Yahoo description: "A rancher struggles to support his ranch and family during a long drought. Desperately needing money to build a well, he takes an assignment to transport a notorious felon, in the hands of authorities, to Yuma for imprisonment."

• The Old West was all about being a man and that's why director James Mangold had the balls to cast two foreigners in the lead roles of a western. And it's the same set of balls that permit Mangold to cast Eddie Murphy as the lead role in his new Margaret Thatcher biopic.
  

4. In the Valley of Elah (September 28-30: #14, $1,512,310)
From the Yahoo description: "On his first weekend back after serving in Iraq, Mike Deerfield goes missing and is reported AWOL. When Hank Deerfield, a former military MP and his wife Joan get the phone call with the disturbing news, Hank sets out to search for their son."

• Hollywood loves these "father chases down son" stories, I suppose because of the love vs. duty conflict and the Freudian father issues usually connoted. Here's my slight twist on the idea: when someone kills Sigmund Freud in late 19th centuryVienna, his wife looks for the killer, only to discover that the culprit is her own estranged son. In the exciting confrontation, he proposes to her, chillingly confirming Freud's own worst fears.
  

5. Into the Wild (September 28-30: #20, $631,451)
From the Yahoo description: "Freshly graduated from college with a promising future, 22 year-old Christopher McCandless instead walked out of his privileged life and into the wild in search of adventure. What happened to him on the way transformed this young wanderer into an enduring symbol for countless people."

• An enduring symbol for what? Laziness. Get a damn job.

Weekly Plot

Before I dive into the "Weekly Plot," a few quick notes. First, content should be returning to "normal" levels after a fairly spotty few weeks. Apologies to my 0.5 readers. Second, the new content frequency "plan," formulated by the Creative Differences Board of Trustees, calls for posts Monday - Friday, which is when most of my aforementioned 0.5 readers are at work anyway. Therefore, "Weekly Plot" will go up on Mondays now and probably be attended by another post when possible. "Power Rankings" will live on as a Tuesday tradition. The other days, who knows? I'm crazy. I could do anything. Anything.

Without further ado, this week's plot:

[Insert sport] was everything in Small American Town (SAT). The [insert key position player] was the most popular person at the SAT High or SAT State University and everyone in SAT attended games. Suddenly, Tragedy strikes, thrusting SAT into period of mourning and leaving [insert sport] team's season in jeopardy. Under-appreciated Marginal Team Member (MTM) is forced to play a larger role on the team, either physically or emotionally. With a [insert game of crucial importance to season] in doubt, MTM rallies the team and helps SAT collectively heal from the wounds inflicted by Tragedy. MTM becomes a hero and everyone learns that life is about more than just [insert sport].

Fairy Times at Ridgemont High

The film Sydney White, in recent release, is a remake of the Disney seven dwarf laden interpretation of the classic Brothers Grimm fairytale "Snow White," but set on a modern day college campus as opposed to medieval "somewhere in Europe" (personally, my favorite country to visit). In this retelling, Sydney White, a less than fresh-faced Amanda Bynes, faces down an evil sorority sister with the help of seven nerds and some coed Prince Charming. This made me think of other high school/college based remakes of either fairy tales or classic dramatic/cinematic works: A Cinderella Story ("Cinderella"), Clueless (Jane Austen's Emma), 10 Things I Hate about You (Shakespeare's Taming of the Shrew), and Cruel Intentions (Laclos's Les liasons dangereuses, the Hampton play of the same title, and, finally, the Frears film), to name a few.

Does situating these stories in a late-adolescent context add something to either them or to the works which they adapt? The answer is yes: it allows us to ogle strapping young men and women, giggle at teenage hijinks and wallow in nostalgia for our own jejune days. Frankly, I have little doubt that Shakespeare would have preferred to cast Bynes, Sarah Michelle-Gellar, Joseph Gordon-Levitt or any other contemporary thespian with a hyphenated last name in one of his great works. The only exclusion from this heralded cast would probably have been noted Creative Differences enemy Julia Stiles. (Damn you, Stiles, for ruining the Bourne Ultimatum!)

The logical question is, of course, what other fairy tales, plays, etc. would best join the hallowed halls of Remake High?

Original: Sleeping Beauty
New Title: Sleeping Trudy
Plot: Trudy is just your average, good looking coed about to begin her Freshman year at Texas FTPYL&M. Unfortunately, Penelope Perch, a cold hearted sorority overlord, is jealous of Trudy's good features and quiet self-confidence. At a Freshman week frat party, Perch spikes Trudy's punch with meth, which sends Trudy into a deep, drug induced, months long sleep. Eric Charming, studying to be an EMT, finds Trudy 8 weeks later in the frat house and takes her to the local hospital. Her condition is stable, but doctors are unable to rouse her out of her narcotic slumber. Eric, swayed by a strange sense of devotion, sits by her bedside for weeks and soon falls in love. Eventually, in a moment of indiscretion, he kisses her lightly on the lips. This act miraculously wakes Trudy who, stunned by the stranger kissing her, files sexual assault charges. Eric is acquitted, but expelled from FTPYL&M along with Perch, who is busted by the campus police in possession of meth. Together, they form a perfect, bitter cohort for the exciting revenge sequel, Sleeping Trudy: The Nightmare Continues.

Tagline: College moves fast. Stay awake for it.

Original: Hamlet
New Title: To Be or Not to Be in High School
Plot: Hammond Prince was your ordinary junior at Denmark High until one day his father is found poisoned in the back of their Pacific Palisades mansion. Hammond's mom seems less than torn up about it and, only a few weeks later, is spotted dating the father of Hammond's arch rival, high school quarterback John Claudius. Meanwhile, Hammond secretly falls in love with Ophelia, captain of the cheerleading team, who herself has decided to relinquish earthly delights and abscond to a nunnery. Along with his best friends, Ross and Gill, Hammond has to outwit Claudius, disentangle the mystery surrounding his father's death, and win Ophelia's heart . . . all while dodging new Principle Fortinbras, who appears to have it out for Hammond. Needless to say, zany hijinks ensue.

Tagline: Something's rotten in Denmark High . . . and no, it's not the cafeteria food.

Original: Don Quixote
New Title: The Oldest Yard
Plot: All Don wanted was to quarterback the high school football team and date the captain of the cheerleading squad. He had the best arm, knew all the plays, and could throw touchdown passes in his sleep. There was just one problem. He was 70. But now, he's breaking all the rules and going back to high school for one last season. Along with exchange student Sancho Panza, Don will try and lead the La Mancha Eagles against their rivals, the West Baymont High Windmills, in the biggest game of his life. Things get really hairy when his prostate starts acting up.

Tagline: They say experience is everything . . .

Power Rankings

After a one-week hiatus, Power Rankings is back! As always, it provides a weekly look at the bestseller lists, arbitrarily reordered according to how they SHOULD be doing (with the main criterion being how quickly I can generate a mildly amusing one-liner)

Books

1. You've Been Warned, by James Patterson and Howard Roughan (NYT chart position: #1)
NYT description: "An aspiring photographer working as a nanny and in love with the children’s father has terrible visions."

• If you're wondering why it took two people to write this book, you have to understand that the strategy of deciding each plot twist through a game of rock-paper-scissors requires two people.
  

2. Pontoon, by Garrison Keilor (NYT chart position: #3)
NYT description: "After the death of a good Lutheran lady in Lake Wobegon, her daughter learns about her secret life."

• She also unravels other mysteries about Lake Woebegon, such as why its news garners national coverage.
  

3. The Wednesday Letters, by Jason F. Wright (NYT chart position: #6)
NYT description: "Two brothers and a sister with complicated lives learn about their family’s past through love letters discovered after their parents’ deaths."

• Not to be prude, but isn't reading your parents' love letters right up there with walking in on them during sex?
  

4. The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, by Junot Diaz (NYT chart position: #13)
NYT description: "A Dominican-American in New Jersey struggles to escape a family curse."

• The curse? Living in New Jersey. The book is about Wao's escape . . . to Pennsylvania.
  

5. Heartsick, by Chelsea Cain (NYT chart position: #15)
From Publisher's Weekly: "A detective obsesses over the beautiful, sadistic serial killer who nearly tortured him to death."

• Look, I'm as willing to suspend disbelief as the next guy, but I have to believe there are some motivational problems here. I mean, this guy's friends have to be like, "Dude, that girl almost killed you . . . no, seriously, that time we went on a double-date, she actually stabbed you during dinner. It was gross. She also slept with your brother."
  

Film

1. Resident Evil: Extinction (September 21-23: #1, $23,678,580)
From the Yahoo description: "Alice, now in hiding in the Nevada desert, once again joins forces with Carlos Olivera and L.J., along with new survivors Claire, K-Mart and Nurse Betty to try to eliminate the deadly virus that threatens to make every human being undead . . . and to seek justice"

• Grammatically, that sentence implies: "the deadly virus that threatens" "to seek justice." I don't mean to knock the Yahoo copywriter, but I think he may have incidentally unraveled the Manichean conflict at the heart of the film.
  

2. Good Luck Chuck (September 21-23: #3, $13,652,001)
From the Yahoo description: "A man breaks up with his long-time girlfriend only to see her get engaged to the next guy she dates. The same pattern occurs with his next girlfriend, and continues to repeat. All of a sudden he finds himself becoming a lucky charm for women, who all want to date him. "

• The surprise twist is that the women who suddenly "all want to date him" are incredibly ugly . . . with hilarious consequences!
  

3. Eastern Promises (September 21-23: #6, $5,641,788)
From the Yahoo description: "A London midwife looks into the death of a patient which puts her in the sights of a Russian mobster."

• This is a pre-production rewrite of a screenplay entitled "Easter Promises," in which a London midwife's investigation into a painted egg puts her in the sights of America's most beloved holiday character. Viggo Mortensen as the rabid Easter Bunny.
  

4. Dragon Wars (September 21-23: #7, $2,596,278)
From the Yahoo description: "A beautiful young woman possesses the power to transform a legendary giant serpent into an almighty dragon who can only ascend into heaven with the woman's ultimate sacrifice."

• Guys, I just want you to know that this line doesn't work.
  

5. Shoot'em Up (September 21-23: #9, $784,491)
From the Yahoo description: "Mr. Smith, the angriest, most hardboiled man in the world, finds himself entrusted to protect the most innocent thing of all--a newborn child."

• But when the baby's fast cracking wit and streetwise antics take Smith off guard, he realizes he ended up with more than he bargained for. But this unlikely duo must take out an insane mob boss . . . before they take out each other! Hilarious, action filled, a rip-roaring romp, Shoot'em Up brings to the silver screen Hollywood's most outrageous team yet!
  

Surprise ending -- he cuts the discount rate . . . by 1/4 point!

Uh oh, it looks like those pesky news outlets are at it again, spoiling book endings before they ever hit the shelves. As the New York Times asks:

What does the currently ubiquitous Alan Greenspan have in common with George J. Tenet, Bob Woodward and Harry Potter?

Is that a rhetorical question? No? Well then, let me guess. They all have penises? Apparently, that's not it, as the Times continues:

In each case publishers prepared elaborate marketing plans to roll out their books under strict embargoes, hoping to control the books’ reception and focus attention at just the moment they hit store shelves. But each time, news organizations were able to buy early copies and write about the contents, creating a publisher’s nightmare of managing bruised relationships with other media outlets — or fans — that thought they had exclusive first rights to the material.

(bonus round: if that's what they have in common, which one is, you know, a little lacking in his "special area?")

(Alan Greenspan: 500 years young)

Who, precisely, is to blame for spilling the beans on these exciting tales of derring-do? As you suspected, one of the usual culprits:

The task of unveiling a big book— especially one with great news interest or enormous popular demand — has changed dramatically in recent years as players in an increasingly competitive news media seek to be the first to unveil content, and the Internet makes it more difficult to keep books under wraps.

Damn you, internet! First porn, then Facebook and now this. Can't you just leave us alone? Or at least just limit your content to this blog and YouTube?

Wait a minute, though, aren't I forgetting the real victim here? No, I'm not talking about Penguin Press, now unlikely to recoup the 8.5 million dollar advance it paid to Alan Greenspan, whose withered face suggests that most of the money will be spent by his progeny, or perhaps Ayn Rand's. I'm talking about the eager reader who picked up Greenspan's book, Age of Turbulence, excited to read it on the plane or during a vacation, only to have all the twists and turns spoiled by the Wall Street Journal's spread on the book, which ran before its release.

Everyone knows Greenspan's memoir is like a Grisham book or one of those double-cross filled heist movies: if you know the big twist, it sucks the fun out of the rest. For example, now I won't fall for all the red herrings and false clues, like when Greenspan describes equivocating over whether or not to cut interest rates or when he has violent debates with himself about which word to apply to the economy in his press conferences -- "robust" or "overheated?"

Here's a question for the internet and the journalists who use it in place of actually "investigating": what do Harry Potter, Alan Greenspan's exciting life, the Iraq war, and climate change have in common?

We don't want to know the ending.

In lieu of animals, PETA willing to treat humans like meat

In a People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) ad spot that recently debuted in the Houston area, Alicia Silverstone endorsed the vegetarian lifestyle while appearing in the nude (though her unmentionables were, of course, covered by strategically placed limbs). According to the Associated Press, PETA selected Houston "because it is often high on lists of cities with unhealthy eating habits." In some kind of unscientific poll conducted by Men's Fitness last year, Houston ranked as America's sixth fattest city, although Chicago remains the city most likely to be selected last in gym class.

Here's the ad:





What I find most shocking about the spot is not PETA's apparent willingness to combat animal exploitation through exploitation of humans, but their belief that Alicia Silverstone is sufficiently famous that the mere "sensational" act of her stripping is enough to garner support for vegetarianism. Her star has fallen so far, I'm actually stunned to learn that she hasn't appeared in pornography yet. In fact, I now think less of the vegetarian lifestyle if only because PETA could find no other celebrity to support it. You're telling me that Angelina Jolie won't speak out in favor of vegetarianism? What about Seann William Scott and his two n's? I'm sorry, PETA, but I'm going to need more than Alicia Silverstone to put down this delicious steak.

But if PETA can get away with this ad, it gives other washed up celebrities hope that they may also someday get paid a nominal fee to participate in social activism. For example:

• Jonathan Taylor Thomas for Habitat for Humanity
• John Stamos for VH1's Save the Music
  
• Matt LeBlanc, also for PETA

Apology for Lack of Content

I have been away from my usual happy hunting grounds. Will post more upon return later this week. As usual, Omar and The Rake have honored my absence by imitating it themselves.

Marketing Reality: Iraqiana

Some things would make awful movies. Good thing we have Hollywood!


Title: Iraqiana
Release Date: October 12
Rating: R

In a thriller as complex as the political world we inhabit, disparate actors from far flung corners of the globe fall prey to forces they can no more detect than comprehend. In Washington, Roy Willston (Matt Damon) is a young and earnest energy consultant trying to broker a viable oil strategy for Iraq. His mentor and State Department employer (Chris Cooper) will do anything to put a deal in place, no matter the consequences for Iraq. Meanwhile Iraqi oil minister Hussain Al-Khaliq (Tony Shaloub) must placate Sunni clerics who condemn any negotiations with Shiites. As Sunni attempts to thwart a compromise grow increasingly violent, Al-Khaliq confronts the ultimate dilemma when he discovers his own father, a fundamentalist imam, has masterminded terror attacks on Shiite civilians. Finally, Baban (insert random, vaguely Kurdish actor -- Leonardo DiCaprio?), a Kurdish peasant, is drawn into the fray when he tries to avenge his father's death at the hands of former Baathist leaders. Without anyone's knowledge or intent, all fates eventually intertwine as the oil deal evaporates in the chaos of post-war Iraq.

Everything divides them. Oil unites them . . . and ignites them.

Iraqiana

This fall, an attempt to secure the world's most valuable lubricant grinds to a halt . . .

Power Rankings

A weekly look at the bestseller lists, arbitrarily reordered according to how they SHOULD be doing (with the main criterion being how quickly I can generate a mildly amusing one-liner)

Books

1. The Wheel of Darkness, by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child (NYT chart position: #2)
NYT description: "A Tibetan abbot asks the F.B.I. agent Aloysius Pendergast to help recover a stolen relic with evil powers."

• But the partnership goes awry when the abbot, wearied by the agent's ungainly and ludicrous name, begins to refer to him by nicknames like "Alloy" and "Penderghastly."
  

2. Dark Possession, by Christine Freehan (NYT chart position: #3)
NYT description: "A Seattle counselor for battered women is wooed by a shape-shifter in Brazil; the 18th Carpathian novel."

• I don't care if he's sensitive, a good listener, can cook or is a God in bed, "shape-shifting" is a deal breaker. If I wake up in the morning with some girl cuddled up next to me in the form of a lemur or something, the seduction is over.
  

3. Bones to Ashes, by Kathy Reichs (NYT chart position: #4)
NYT description: "The forensic anthropologist Temperance Brennan is asked to examine the skeleton of a young girl in Canada, where, many years ago, her best friend disappeared."

• Man, I wonder if the skeleton is her friend. Wouldn't that be a surprise?
  

4. The Elves of Cintra, by Terry Brooks (NYT chart position: #5)
NYT description: "The second volume of the Genesis of Shannara series is set in postapocalyptic Seattle."

• This description is kind of confusing. "Postapocalyptic Seattle" actually refers to Seattle after 1992, when Courtney Love and Kurt Cobain were actually allowed to have a child.
  

5. Lord John and the Brotherhood of the Blade, by Diana Gabaldon (NYT chart position: #8)
NYT description: "During the Seven Years’ War, Lord John Grey is haunted by his father’s murder 17 years earlier."

• This book is actually a powerful tale about being haunted by the past. For example, while Lord John is busy being haunted by his father's murder, all the peasants he conscripted into his army are haunted by the war that has been going on for seven goddamn years.

Note: due to the low volume of new releases in recent weeks, there will be no Film Power Rankings this week. Instead, enjoy the new Iron Man trailer. The rumor is that Robert Downey, Jr.'s salary was paid in coke.

Here's the medium sized trailer.

Manning's decision to attend UT over Ole 'Miss belies racial ignorance

Peyton Manning was the lone male member of the Manning clan (yes, I'll avoid the obvious pun) to have played his college football anywhere but Ole 'Miss. A tremendous quarterback at Tennessee, Manning has gone on to an even more successful professional career in the NFL and led the Indianapolis Colts to victory in last year's Superbowl. His great accomplishments on the field, awkwardly large head and generally uncharismatic demeanor make him the perfect candidate for a major advertising campaign, and if you weren't sick of his MasterCard and Sprint spots last year, then you probably weren't watching television.

(look at that noggin' -- it's as big as a football!)

Earlier today, I saw Manning's latest MasterCard commercial, part of the new "Manning's Priceless Pep Talks" campaign. In the ads, Manning delivers a pep talk that addresses whatever ails you, sort of like the pep talk he gave his offensive line after a playoff loss to Pittsburgh.

I would have embedded a clip of the new ad spot, but I couldn't find it online yet. However, here is a synopsis of the first "Pep Talk" commercial, called "Social Life," from YahooFinance:

In "Social Life," Manning attempts to help out the socially inept by enlisting a teammate (Derek) to demonstrate a few dance moves that should prove useful when out on the town.

"Social life in the dumps?" Manning asks. "Maybe what you need is a few new dance moves. Hey Derek, show 'em what you got."

At this point Manning's teammate Derek begins his dance but is quickly told to shut it down when Peyton thinks he is going a bit too far. "Alright stop. Stop, that's enough. Seriously, you're gonna hurt yourself."

What the brief recap doesn't mention is that "Derek" is African-American. Am I the only one who finds this advertisement incredibly disturbing? I don't want to indulge in any stereotyping of my own and suggest that Southerners are any more racist than Northerners (despite the snarky title to my post), but a commercial that revolves around Manning and his thick southern accent lauding the dance moves of a black teammate whom he can literally order in and out of the practice seems a little dicey.

I always thought that ad companies tend to err on the side of caution when it comes to the fuzzy line separating the politically correct from the offensive (except for gender, where "caution" equals "sexism"). Frankly, I'm surprised that MasterCard was so cavalier with this new ad, one that reminds me more of the Sambo doll scene from Ellison's Invisible Man than the benefits of MasterCard.

I guess times are changing and insensitive must be the new sexy. Well, you know me -- I'd rather cash in on the change than worry too much about morality or justice or any of that stuff. So, without further ado, here are my ideas for inappropriate advertisements.

[Warning: I'm going for really offensive here. If you're easily offended by the offensively offensive, proceed at your own risk. But do remember, it's all a joke prompted by the reality that MasterCard went ahead with the "Social Life" spot.]

Clorox Advertisement Featuring the Ku Klux Klan- "How to get your whites really white."

Any Bank Advertisement- The screen opens to a bank lobby. Every teller position is manned by a middle-aged, male Hasidic Jew. A spokesperson promises "Our bank is so careful with your money, you'll think the entire place is run by Jews."

Mothers Against Drunk Driving- Scene opens to an idyllic, nineteenth century pub in the Irish back country. Affable Celts bid each other a drunken farewell and go outside to hitch up their wagons. As they all try to leave, each as inebriated than the other, a violent crash ensues between their horse carts. The narrator says, "Don't be Irish. Don't drink and drive."

Mandarin Oriental Hotels- A couple gets off an airplane. Waiting in the arrival area where everyone else catches taxis or a bus, there is a sedan chair. They ride the sedan chair, carried by a couple shirtless and swarthy locals, to the Mandarin Oriental Hotel. Various scenes of their luxurious stay are accompanied by images of local workers in abject conditions sweating to meet the couple's every need. The last scene is a dinner where the husband proposes on a moonlit dining terrace as a worker is caned below. Fade to black with the slogan "Mandarin Oriental, the true colonial experience."

Another MasterCard Peyton Manning Advertisement- The spot opens with the above clip of Manning throwing his offensive line under the bus. In the next scene, the entire offensive line tells Manning they're quitting. Manning wonders aloud, "Who will do the jobs no one else wants to do?" Cut to a scene in the middle of a football game. The entire Colts offensive line is played by Manning (digitally reproduced), only they are dressed to ridiculous Mexican stereotypes (ponchos, sombreros, thick black mustaches). "Normal" Manning takes the snap and says, "I found these guys just across the border!" He throws a touchdown and the camera zooms to one of the "Mexican" Manning offensive lineman. In his worst Mexican accent, he declares, "Good thing he had MasterCard, accepted in hundreds of countries, amigo." Follows with weaselly laugh.

Hitler as the New "Mr. Clean."- No description necessary.

Weekly Plot

This week's plot may morph into a larger post. We'll see . . .

Animal engages in Competitive Enterprise (CE). Current Owner (CO) of Animal abuses it. Kid saves Animal from CO. Kid and Animal try and succeed in CE. Kid and Animal must overcome long odds, possibly including interference from now jealous CO. Against these odds, Kid and Animal triumph in championship stage of CE. World rejoices.