Steroids: Not Just for Baseball Players!

Hot on the release of the fourth installment of the Rambo series, Sylvester Stallone has devoted himself to social and medical activism. In the wake of recent controversy in baseball over illicit use of the federally controlled substance Human Growth Hormone, or HGH, Stallone has decided that it's time to let the world know just how valuable the drug really is. According to Stallone, who used HGH to hone his physique for the new Rambo film, "HGH is nothing" and "Anyone who calls it a steroid is grossly misinformed." Stallone's right. Are we going to start calling every artificial supplement that makes your muscles larger a steroid? I think not. What's next? Is weight-lifting a steroid, too? Please.

Not only is HGH unfairly maligned, says Stallone, but its positive health effects are underrated: "Testosterone to me is so important for a sense of well-being when you get older." He continues, "Everyone over 40 years old would be wise to investigate it because it increases the quality of your life." He then grew angry, screaming "God! Why does everyone hate HGH?!? I can't take it anymore!!!" before tearing his living room apart and strangling his pet dog, Lil' HGH, to death.

I know Stallone doesn't promote HGH for the money, I mean, he's a man of principle after all. But I bet he could make a killing turning his steroid, er, HGH activism into a feature film. It would be one of those Good Night and Good Luck or Lions for Lambs kind of things.

Title: Rambo V: Human Growth War-Zone
Rating: R (of course)
Release Date: December 10

Plot:

John Rambo thought he had faced his last and worst enemy when he escorted helpless peace keepers into Myanmar. But on December 10, he'll discover that nothing could have prepared him for his most cunning, well-trained foe yet . . . a congressional subcommittee. When Congress decides to hold hearings on steroid abuse in sport, Rambo decides to stay on the sidelines until one of his best friends -- HGH -- is taken hostage by loose legislative rhetoric. With no where to turn and nothing to lose, Rambo decides to take up arms and clear HGH's name . . . by any means necessary. Just like a dense jungle, he must hack through reason and sound medical science with a sharp machete of ignorance. When Senators refuse to listen to high-volume, irrational ranting, Rambo knows there's only one way out: gratuitous violence. If the tree of liberty must be watered with the blood of patriots, then this December it's monsoon season.

When no one would stand up for Human Growth Hormone, only one man had the shrunken testicles to do the right thing.

John Rambo is back and this time he's ready to veto Congress . . . every single one of them.