Breaking News! Landmark Study Confirms Common Sense; World in Shock

When I saw the the Yahoo headline "Study analyzes secrets to movie success," I though to myself, "Uh oh, Hollywood might read this and start getting things right which would make Creative Differences a past tense verb that starts with an 'f' and ends with an 'ucked.'" No, really, I thought that. It took awhile. Anyway, I actually read the article (which, on occasion, I do) and discovered that the study revealed the most stunning, shocking, epiphanic conclusions about the film industry:

"Films that earn awards and praise from reviewers tend to be R-rated and based on a true story or a prize-winning play or novel, says professor Dean Simonton. The original author or the director usually have written the screenplay.

Big-budget blockbusters — whether they're comedies, musical, sequels or remakes — don't ordinarily draw acclaim, Simonton found. Neither do summer releases, PG-13 movies, movies that open on thousands of screens or ones that have enormous box office numbers in their first weekend."

Oh. My. God. My mind has been blown. You're telling me that reviewers tend to enjoy films that are, like, about things that are, you know, serious and/or important, but they don't like watching Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker exchange pithy one liners whilst beating the daylights out of drones in a Chinese restaurant serving as a front for organized criminals? Not even when the jokes are amusing racial barbs, inevitably stemming from their unlikely partnership, which was, from the first, sure to result in hilarious consequences?

How is this possible? How have film critics lost touch with the true sense of art embedded in the soul of the common moviegoer? (Wait, what's that? You'd like me to stop asking sarcastic questions? It's getting old, you say? Ok, fine. Asshole.)

The good news is that "Professor" Simonton didn't just learn something about films. He learned something about himself . . . and then he learned something else about films:

"I had this hope that there was a difference between blockbusters and really great art films — films that can be considered great cinematic creations," said Simonton, who presented his findings Friday at the annual meeting of the American Psychological Association in San Francisco. "It was gratifying to find out they're very, very different and you can find out what's different about them."

Whew. Man, that is gratifying. I was really worried that there was absolutely no difference between Citizen Kane and Booty Call. Now I know there is. Sounds like you've really put your research funds to good work there, Dr. Simonton.