Power Rankings

A weekly look at the bestseller lists, arbitrarily reordered according to how they SHOULD be doing (with the main criterion being how quickly I can generate a mildly amusing one-liner)

Books

1. The Secret Servant, by Daniel Silva (NYT chart position: #2)
NYT description: "Gabriel Allon, an art restorer and an occasional spy for the Israeli secret service, joins the search for the kidnapped daughter of an American ambassador."

• In the exciting climax, Allon must decide between his two passions when the girl's captors hold a gun to a priceless piece of art. Who (what) will he choose to save?
  

2. Beyond Reach, by Karin Slaughter (NYT chart position: #6)
NYT description: "In defending herself from murder charges, a police officer must confront her past."

• Especially her recent past, when she killed someone.

3. In at the Death, by Harry Turtledove (NYT chart position: #12)
NYT description: "The finale to the 'Settling Accounts' alternative history series imagines an American war of secession in 1944."

• But because the majority of American troops are still overseas, this conflict must be fought by the deadliest soldiers of all: Civil War reenactors.
  

4. Bungalow 2, by Danielle Steel (NYT chart position: #14)
NYT description: "A writer deals with the effects of Hollywood success on her family life."

• Especially the acute effects of being able to provide for all their needs and ensuring that none of them ever again have to worry about money. And all the sex they garner by virtue of their association with her.
  

5. The Maytrees, by Annie Dillard (NYT chart position: #10)
NYT description: "The story of a long marriage between creative types, from romance to disillusionment to reconciliation."

• Dillard has already planned a sequel entitled, The Redwoods, the story of a long marriage between potheads, from romance, to impotence, to amotivational syndrome, to amnesia, to romance, to fatigue, back to romance, to coke, to bankruptcy, back to amnesia. Oh yeah, then death.
  

Film

1. Rush Hour 3 (August 10-12: #1, $49,100,158)
From the Yahoo description: "LAPD Detective Carter and Chinese Inspector Lee are back--back where they don't belong. The unlikely duo is headed to the City of Lights to stop a global criminal conspiracy and save the life of an old friend, Ambassador Han's now-grown daughter, Soo Yung."

• In Paris, Carter and Lee meet another unlikely police duo, Jacques and Fanon, one a straightlaced bourgeois native Parisian, the other a wisecracking Algerian immigrant. The two extremely improbable partnerships must somehow overcome their racial and national divisions--with unexpectedly hilarious consequences!
  

2. Stardust (August 10-12: #4, $9,169,779)
From the Yahoo description: "A young man named Tristan tries to win the heart of Victoria, the beautiful but cold object of his desire, by going on a quest to retrieve a fallen star."

• The working title for this film was Whipped.

3. Underdog (August 10-12: #6, $6,352,377)
From the Yahoo description: "A bumbling watchdog gets exposed to a substance that gives him the powers of a superhero."

• The film mirrors the real-life story of the screenwriter, a bumbling writer who gets exposed to a substance that gives him the power to blind studio executives to the putridity of his scripts.

4. Daddy Day Camp (August 10-12: #10, $3,402,678)
From the Yahoo description: "Dads Charlie Hinton and Phil Ryerson take over running a summer day camp. Armed with no knowledge of the great outdoors, a dilapidated facility, and a motley group of campers, it doesn’t take long before things get out of control."

• Assaulted with awful dialogue, inferior talent and poor direction, it doesn't take long before audiences get up and leave this film.

5. Bratz (August 10-12: #16, $1,420,336)
From the Yahoo description: "Four teenage girls who come from different social and economic backgrounds empower themselves by rejecting their respective high school cliques and band together, calling themselves Bratz."

• The only thing that unites them -- other than their daring and impetuosity -- is the fact that they're about an order of magnitude hotter than anyone else in the school. Can this possibly compensate for the isolation and reproach they're almost certain not to suffer? Gorgeous disaffected nerds of the world, unite!