On This Day

The following this happened throughout the course of history:

1877 - Thomas Edison demonstrates his phonograph for the first time.

 

1922 - Howard Carter opens the tomb of Pharaoh Tutankhamun to the public.

1934 - The Chicago Bears defeat the Detroit Lions 19-16 in the first nationally broadcasted game.

1963 - U.S. President Lyndon B. Johnson establishes the Warren Commission to investigate the assassination of President John F. Kennedy.

1990 - Gulf War: The United Nations Security Council passes United Nations Security Council Resolution 678, authorizing "use all necessary means to uphold and implement" United Nations Security Council Resolution 660 "to restore international peace and security" if Iraq did not withdraw its forces from Kuwait and free all foreign hostages by January 15, 1991.

 

As well as the following people were born:

1898 - C. S. Lewis, Irish writer (d. 1963)

1958 - Michael Dempsey, English musician (The Cure)

1961 - Tom Sizemore, American actor

1982 - Krystal Steal, American pornographic actress

 

All of these people are important enough to have wikipedia pages.

 

These people are the future (or where the future at some past point). 

 

This man is no Krystal Steal, but soon he can achieve that dream. They were born on the same day though, that's a start.

 

Brief Hiatus

As you may have noticed, I haven't been able to post especially regularly the last two weeks. Unfortunately, I have decided to announce a brief hiatus until the first week of December. After that, there will be another hiatus until the new year. But never fear! Creative Differences will return, better, faster, stronger.

Now would be a great time to subscribe to the Creative Differences rss feeds so that you'll know precisely when it returns.

Apologies for the lack of content over the next month or so. It could not be avoided.

Unheatlhy Lust, Internet Caution

[Warning: today's entry is slightly sexually graphic. But not too bad, really. Point is, you were warned.]

Last week, Creative Differences mocked a Chinese graduate student for suing China's media watchdog after it insisted Ang Lee delete some steamy sex scenes from his new film, Lust, Caution. The student, Dong Yanbin, alleged "psychological damages" as a result of the way the deletions fragmented the narrative structure.

It turns out those deletions may have saved Dong's life. Reuters reported this week that Chinese doctors "have warned moviegoers not to try some of the more ambitious sexual positions featured in the uncut version of the film." A deputy hospital director added, "Only women with comparatively flexible bodies that have gymnastics or yoga experience are able to perform them. For average people to blindly copy them could lead to unnecessary physical harm."

I know China is all about innovation, but it's always important to check one's aspirations when safety and security are on the line. Obviously, Chinese martial artists with the ability to fly are exempt from the warning.

While Americans may chuckle at the perceived modesty, most Chinese people gravely recall the epidemic of muscle pulls that resulted from China's ill-fated Great Sexual Leap Forward in the late 1960s. In order to help nurse the labor force back to health, China had to remove thousands of posters urging "ambitious sexual positions" like:

Express Yourself Sexually for the Nation

Cast Off the Missionary Yoke

Moving Forward From Behind

Riding Each Other and the Wave of Progress

In addition to the sexual dangers the film engenders, its distribution has also lead to the proliferation of internet viruses polluting several download sites. While Chinese authorities are alarmed, internet denizens downloading uncut versions of the film in order to drool at the sex scenes were adequately prepared for the onslaught of spyware to which they have grown accustomed after years spent viewing internet porn.

Apologies

No Weekly Hebdomad today. Sorry also for missing yesterday. Tune in Monday for new content.

Finally, a way to get rich

Let me be honest, Creative Differences doesn't exactly pay the bills. Actually, it's hardly a question of exactitude. Creative Differences does nothing but absorb time, which probably costs me money. Fortunately, a Chinese PhD student has given me a great way to augment my minimal income.

According to Reuters, Dong Yanbin, a student at the China University of Political Science and Law, is suing China's censoring agency for cutting sex scenes out of Ang Lee's film Lust, Caution. Dong alleges that the State Administration of Radio, Film and Television (SARFT), China's media watchdog, has infringed upon his "consumer rights" and he has sought $67 in "psychological damages." He claims that the recut, prepared by director Lee himself, "makes it hard for the audience to appreciate the movie's art."

Dong, I feel you, dude. In fact, I agree so strongly with your understanding of "consumer's rights" (undoubtedly informed by your excellent study at CUPSL) that I'm going to move to China and begin suing the hell out of the movie industry. That's right, I'm going to sue major production companies for the "psychological damages" that come from watching their crap movies. As far as I'm concerned, Resident Evil: Extinction is also a complete violation of consumer's rights. And what about Garfield? That's practically consumer genocide!

I can just present most of the entries of Creative Differences as evidence. Let's see . . . 80 entries . . . 67 bucks a pop . . . that's $5360. Just think how much I could bank if I do this full time.

Can I crash in your dorm room, Yanbin?

Power Rankings: Books

Ok homeboys and homegirls (bizarre, Blogger spell-check approves of homeboys, but not homegirls -- sexist pigs!), we've got a new format for Power Rankings. From here on out, I'm going to just alternate each week between books and films, throwing a "special edition" Power Rankings in here and there. So without further ado, saddle up folks, 'cause it's time to lampoon some new books!

Books

1. Protect and Defend, by Vince Flynn (NYT chart position: #1)
NYT description: "An American counterterrorism operative has to avert catastrophe in nuclear Iran."

• Like what? Like a nuclear bomb going off or diarrhea from bad Tehranian street food? Both seem pretty catastrophic.
  

2. Book of the Dead, by Patricia Cornwall (NYT chart position: #2)
NYT description: "The forensic pathologist Kay Scarpetta opens a private practice in Charleston, S.C."

• How will she navigate the pitfalls of balancing the accounts and finding a good health plan? Join Dr. Scarpetta for her most dangerous adventure yet!
  

3. Amazing Grace, by Danielle Steel (NYT chart position: #5)
NYT description: "A San Francisco earthquake brings four strangers together."

• As they say, every natural disaster has a silver lining.

("You know guys, I'm not gonna say it hasn't been difficult living in the ruins of our once prosperous lives the last few days, not to mention our own filth, but it's been really great meeting all of you. Dibs on the shoe-leather soup.")

4. Now and Then, by Robert B. Parker (NYT chart position: #11)
NYT description: "What looked like a simple matrimonial case for the Boston P.I. turns out to involve a group that sponsors terrorists."

• "Does anyone other than the man with dynamite strapped to his chest feel that these two should not be joined in holy matrimony?"
  

5. Everlasting, by Kathleen E. Woodiwiss (NYT chart position: #13)
NYT description: "In 12th-century London, a woman from a fallen family promises to marry a shady character despite her attraction to someone else."

• I'm not medievalist, but I'm not sure anyone was called "shady" in 12th-century London: "For sooth, Bartholomew, but methinks the fair and noble Gwendomere hath betrothed herself to a rightly sketch-tastic knight. Thinketh you the same, therewith?"

A prize for Asians, man

Man Group, plc., must have an Asian fetish because they just awarded the inaugural Man Asian Literary Prize. A financial services company, Man Group has funded the Booker Prize (now called the Man Booker Prize) since 2002. Eager to assert the supremacy of the English language and Commonwealth writing, the Man Group has ensured that the $10,000 they disburse for the Man Asian prize pales in comparison to the ₤50,000 (or roughly $100,000) they give away for the Man Booker. Although it should be noted that the translator of this year's Man Asian winner received a cool $3,000 for his efforts and was cautioned by Man Group representatives "not to spend it all in one place."

The first ever recipient of the prize was Jiang Rong for his book Wolf Totem. "Jiang Rong" is actually a pseudonym so that the Iranian government doesn't realize that he is actually Salman Rushdie. Despite Rong's secretive inclinations, the book has sold phenomenally well in China and abroad.

Of the work, Man Asian prize panelist Nicholas Jose said, "It's a very original book, it's on a grand scale and it deals with large questions," implying that perhaps he had never read the book. In fact, after several further questions, he admitted with surprise, "What? Wolf Totem? I thought you were asking for my opinion of Playing for Pizza, by the irrepressible John Grisham! Yeah, I didn't get to Wolf Totem."

Weekly Hebdomad

We count down the strike-filled week that was . . .


7.) Weekly "If Four Episodes of Seinfeld a Day Weren't Enough":

With a shortage of scripts, it looks like some of your favorite shows are going to syndication . . . which in the case of "Heroes" may mean the first season repeated three times.

6.) Weekly "Not my '24'!":

Apparently Fox will not air new episodes of '24' as long as there's a risk of interruption. My name is Jack Bauer and this is the longest strike of my life . . .

5.) Weekly "Excuse to Play Clips of Schwarzenegger":

Arnold wants the strike to stop . . . NOW!



4.) Weekly "The Obvious Joke":

"Hollywood Suffers from Writer's Block"

Great work "Inquirer.net"

3.) Weekly "Putting the Ball on the Tee":

Props to the less than creatively titled Inquirer.net article on this one:

“Without them, I’m not funny!”

That’s how “The Tonight Show” host, Jay Leno, paid tribute to his popular talk-comedy program’s writers, after they stopped working and joined US TV-film writers’ first strike in nearly 20 years.

It's not the writers, Jay. No, no it's not the chin, either. Look, this is getting awkward. You're just not funny.

2.) Weekly "Get over Yourself":

Even writers working on a post-Katrina show that is set in New Orleans and is being shot on location are striking. I hope they teach the city something about enduring hardship . . . and then go screw themselves.

1.) Weekly "Thing You Need to Know":

As always, Gary Oldman has the answer. Here's his message to the writers:

Mickey Mouse politics

Strike up the band, 'cause the Hollywood writers' strike continues! Leslie Simmons of Hollywood Reporter reports (whew!) that striking writers picketed Disney yesterday. Perhaps in response to castigations originating on this blog, the writers upped the creative ante by wearing shirts that read "Wasted Days" in the classic Disney font. What does this mean? Explains "Ugly Betty" creator Silvio Horta: "Every day the producers don't give us a fair and decent deal is a wasted day in Hollywood."

I don't want to split hairs here, but the writers may have moved from the too banal ("On Strike") to the too complex. The shirt simply alludes to something Horta said . . . to a reporter who interviewed him. Why don't they just wear shirts that say "Available Seats" and, when asked about the meaning, explain:

The current profit share structure in the film and television industry systematically robs writers of hard earned profits and, at the same time, disenfranchises them by limiting the available seats at the bargaining table.

That's a slogan that explains just what's at stake, right? Everyone should be able to figure it out, especially if it's written in that hilariously heartwarming Disney font.

Strikers remained firmly posted outside Disney until a legion of giant Disney characters surged into the crowd in order to break the picket lines.

(You thought the Pinkerton boys were tough? Well, get the hell off this picket line or you'll learn the real meaning of zippity-do-dah, f#!ker!)

Fatigued by the ensuing melee, the strikers retreated to The Smoke House in Burbank, apparently the only place underpaid creative types can get a meal in Hollywood. It was especially hard for strikers like Mr. Horta to maintain the proletarian spirit when the only sustenance they could afford was a $19 New York steak sandwich.

Strike Three

Creative Differences has decided to dedicate this entire week to the Hollywood writers' strike. That's right, it's "Strike Week 2007!" Today, the Associated Press reported that production for numerous television shows has been completed halted due to the strike. So just keep in mind that "Back to You," "The New Adventures of Old Christine," and "Rules of Engagement," will be off the air because of the strike, and not because they totally suck.

(Why was my show "Jake in Progress" canceled in 2005? Because of the writers' strike, you dumbass!)

Power Rankings: Hollywood Writers' Strike Edition!

It's a Hollywood writers' strike overload! Following up on yesterday's strike tirade, I've decided to dedicate another special Power Rankings to their uncreative strike signs. So Hollywood writers, listen up. I know you're not the creative types, but here's five ideas that take your vaunted "On Strike" slogan out to the woodshed.

1.) "More coke now"

Pros: gets the executives where it hurts. Makes them understand that writers want the same things out of life as producers.

Cons: may implicate writers in illicit activities.

2.) "Royalties, not loyalties"

Pros: rhymes. Also, establishes writers' sense of independence as a segment of the industry.

Cons: kind of stupid. And it rhymes, which is pretty lame.

3.) "Current royalties worse than Snakes on a Plane"

Pros: helps the execs understand the writers' position. I mean, Snakes on a Plane is a pretty universal identifier for terrible.

Cons: may anger Samuel L. Jackson.

(You do NOT want to see me angry!)

4.) "Burn, Hollywood, burn!"

Pros: strong visual language. Helps convey the proletarian anger of writers.

Cons: may hurt public credibility. Fire is a sensitive issue in southern California at the moment (or so I hear).

(When it comes to fair contracts, Tina Fey is one mean girl. Hey oh!)

5.) "Save us from John Leguizamo"

Pros: asserts the fundamental dignity of the writers. How could anyone wish Leguizamo's company on them?

Cons: can't see any. Executives would be monsters to ignore this plea.

(Fine! We'll work for peanuts. Please, we beg you, just take away Leguizamo.)

Strike a pose

As I logged into Blogger to write today's post, I noticed that one of our .5 weekly readers requested more coverage of the Hollywood writer's strike. Fortuitously, this is precisely what I had planned to cover today, which just goes to show that Creative Differences is always willing to be accidentally responsive to its readers. For those of you who feel that we don't address the subjects that interest you, try and take an interest in whatever you anticipate us discussing. I promise you'll rarely be disappointed.

But enough of that, to the Strike-mobile! The Writers Guild of America went on strike this morning because they were unable to reach an agreement with the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers over royalty cuts from DVDs and other digital media sources. Our reader pointed out, however, that the Hollywood writers have impugned their own alleged value by failing to generate any picket signs more creative than "On Strike," which, to be honest, is really more of a description than a slogan.

("Who are we?" "We're on strike!" "What do we want?" "We're on strike!")

Clearly, the writers should already be worried. Striking isn't a romantic comedy, where an improbable and uproariously hilarious series of mini-disasters will bring them true love. No, going on strike is serious business. For example, Gina Serpe of E! Online is already auditioning as a strike-breaker. Check out her "reporting" on this morning's opening salvo from the writers:

The strike has finally struck.

After an 11th-hour 11-hour-long (go figure) meeting between the Writers Guild of America and the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers flamed out Sunday, the pens that power Hollywood are taking to the pickets.

According to the writers' union, scribes plan on picketing 15 Los Angeles locations, along with NBC's Rockefeller Center studios in New York, in four-hour shifts beginning at 9 a.m. Monday, every day until a new deal is reached.

Wow, Ms. Serpe, do you mind if I tell you that you can really write? No? Well, I mind. Don't take it personally if I inform you that you'll never be one of the "pens that power Hollywood." You may, however, discover a fruitful career writing obnoxious alliteration for yourself. Oh, wait, that's not a career, it's a hobby. A sad, pathetic hobby. Don't tell you friends about it.

It's tough to know just how to receive the writer's strike. Obviously, as I consider most of these people my colleagues and because I aspire to one day also make millions off of hackneyed plots and trite dialogue, I feel solidarity with my writing brethren. At the same time, I see this as a great opportunity for me to join with Serpe and cross the picket line. It could be my one shot at stardom, just like Shane Falco in The Replacements.

Speaking of The Replacements, wouldn't this strike make for a great movie somewhere down the line? It was a time of oppression. As the writers toiled, the moguls and corporate fat cats got rich. Until one writer said "no more." Against all odds, the scribes combined word processors and wrote a new future for themselves. One where they earned the right to buy two summer homes in addition to their LA mansions. Some called it excess. They called it dignity . . .

Apple's dubious commercial casting

I'm sure that everyone and their mother (who lives in America at least) has seen this commercial. Its one of the many Apple commercials hyping the iphone and listing the reasons why Time magazine called it the greatest invention ever!!!!!

Anyhow, my main problem with this commercial is that it looks to like Apple is saying the iPhone is a perfect device for this seasoned bookie/mafioso.  Who gets 4 minute long voicemails from people who owe you money?  Gangsters and apple make very strange bedfellows, considering they are already in bed with all the hipsters and urban fibsters (I just made that up, its fake hipster. its also trademark pending.  all other references to fibsters seem to be about internet nerds).  Its also a rather small un-tapped market and now that you need a credit card to purchase iphones I doubt this commercial will lead to more sales to mobsters and bookies. 

Also, go ILLINI!  They are currently destroying the gopherets of Minnesota during their own homecoming game.  Rashard Mendenhall 4 Heisman!!

Weekly Hebdomad

Bad things happen in threes. Great things happen in sevens.

7.) Weekly Plot:

Can some plots be summed up merely as "shit, then more shit?" I'm not sure, but this must be a case study.

6.) Weekly "Headline That Leaves to Much to the Imagination":

"Panettiere Attempts to Save Dolphins"

Help refused as dolphins assert right to self-determination

Or . . .

Drowns, tragically

Or . . .

Learns to save self

5.) Weekly Funny Image:

Accompanying an AP story reporting that "Hollywood writers said they would strike for the first time in nearly 20 years."

("We're going to get through this and yes, there will be a day when we are fairly compensated for Alien vs. Predator 2: The Final Indignity. The sun will rise again!")

4.) Weekly "Get the Hell off Your High Horse Before I Shoot You off":

Online marketing guru Jeff Gomez complains in Publisher's Weekly about the rude treatment he has received from industry colleagues and co-workers (at Penguin) thanks to his book Print Is Dead: Books in Our Digital Age. Whines Gomez:

Some people don’t want to be bothered by bad news and would rather stay with the status quo until they one day wake up to find it all gone. My book is getting in the way of their rosy outlook; that’s why they get angry. Things are changing, and they don’t want to have to hear about it. To my mind, that’s like people getting mad at Paul Revere because he woke them up as he rode through the countryside yelling out that the British were coming. I mean, how rude. Didn’t he know that people were sleeping?

Yes, Gomez, you are the harbinger of the revolution, risking life and limb to warn us of oncoming invasion, oppression and tyranny. Although, now that I think about it, Paul Revere warned the Massachusetts colony in order to repel the British and secure political independence. You're warning us of the emergence of digital print media so that we can more effectively cope with its inevitability. But other than that minor point, I guess it's a pretty salient comparison.

Oh, one more thing: shut the hell up and stop whining.

3.) Weekly "Can No One Rise Above the Fold?":

Even Edward Rothstein has something to say about Dumbeldore's big reveal. To his credit, he does manage to include an example of the kind of bitterness only internet comment forums can support:

Playing off other caricatures, comments on sites like imao.us mention Dumbledore’s “purple robe with glittery silver stars” or winkingly allude to the Hogwarts “policy of Don’t ask, don’t spell.”

One commentator posted: “Oh, who cares? The whole bloody lot of them were gay as far I’m concerned. All those hours of movies and not a single car chase, shootout or kung fu fight.”

I love it.

2.) Weekly "Nerd Makes Good":

Apparently the Eragon film was so bad that Alfred A. Knopf is willing to extend the proposed "Inheritance" series from three to four books. Maybe that was the plan the whole time. As fans clamored for a film, Knopf wanted to violently remind them that terrible films are no substitute for mediocre fiction.

1.) Weekly "Thing You Need to Know":

Cultural satire should target something widely disseminated if not truly popular, right? So did enough people see 300 to justify this?

Marketing Reality: The Big Thaw

Some things would make horrible movies. Good thing we have Hollywood!


Title: The Big Thaw
Rating: PG-13
Release Date: December 25

John (Jason Biggs) and Bill (Tom Green) are just a couple of ski bums fresh out of college with no jobs, no goals, and, worst of all, no money. But when John wins $100,000 in a giveaway at a local fast food restaurant, he and Bill come up with the perfect idea: open their own ski resort. They go into business and within a few months are ready to unveil the newest, coolest resort this side of the slopes. There's only one problem. Global warming. What little snow falls that winter melts immediately. With debt collectors and angry investors breathing down their necks, John and Bill need to figure out a way to draw people to their resort before they get into real trouble. That's when they hatch a crazy scheme -- steal snow from the resort next door! Run by cranky Mr. Crumplunk (Eugene Levy), the neighboring Pleasant Hills is fully equipped with state of the art snow machines. It's just the break John and Bill are looking for . . . if only they can get away with it.

All John and Bill wanted was to ski, but when climate change melted their dreams, it was all downhill.

The Big Thaw

A comedy of catastrophic proportions!

Thou shalt not worship computer generated idols

In last week's Weekly Hebdomad, I included a trailer for The Ten Commandments, a computer animated remake of the classic 1956 Charlton Heston film, which is itself an adaptation of the classic 12th - 2nd century BC novel, er, book. Here's the trailer again:





I have to admit, I don't have to much to say about this other than IT'S COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS!

What, you wonder, is just so absurd about this? Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's Christian Slater as Moses. How will he introduce himself to Ramses? "Greetings and salutations, Ramses. People will look at the ashes of Egypt and say 'Now there's a nation that self-destructed, not only because God didn't care, but because the nation had no God.' Now that's deep."

Wait, here's another one. Elliot Gould is God. Elliot Gould! Hey, you know Reuben from Ocean's Eleven? Can you imagine him as God. No? Well guess what? Elliot Gould played Reuben!

No, wait, there's more. Alfred Molina plays Ramses. I suppose Dr. Octopus is a good approximation for an unjust autocrat.

I know, I know. It's computer animated. I don't have to actually see Elliot Gould aspire to the divine. But I can't cast from my mind the thought of him in a dressing gown and ascot ordering
George Clooney to be careful. Just as I cannot forget Christian Slater in Kuffs or Alfred Molina in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

This film is asking me to go places I fear to tread.

But you know what film I would go see? This one:

Power Rankings: Headline Edition

Got such a positive response to the Nobel Prize Edition of Power Rankings (good = 2 comments, woo hoo!) that I've decided to throw another Power Rankings curveball. Here are five headlines from my feed reader this week. No, I didn't read a single one of the articles, although I will link them for you.

1.) "Schwarzenegger Drug Comment 'Just a Joke'"

• What comment was that? "I never use steroids" or "Drugs are cool?" Maybe it was "I must have been taking drugs to do Kindergarten Cop."

2.) "Spears 'Furious' at Federline's Preferential Treatment"

• And by "furious" we mean drunk . . . and high.
  

3.) "Court TV Changing Name to truTV"

• The larger story would be if the world gave two shits. The only thing this changes is the cable television drinking game.

4.) "The Came. They Saw 'Saw'. It Conquered"

• [Head in hands, weeping]

5.) "Paris Hilton to Head to Rwanda Next Year"

• Just when Rwandans thought it was safe to go out again.
  

Holy Trinity

The Trinity (TX) Tigers completed one of the most exciting college football plays in history this weekend when they rocked the Division III world by completing 15 laterals to win a game against the Millsaps Majors. The play started with only two seconds remaining on the clock.

Obviously, everything about the setting screams Hollywood. Two obscure liberal arts colleges. A meaningless Division III season. A rollicking crowd of under 4,000 people. As usual, I want Creative Differences to be the first hat in the ring on this one.

Title: The Lateral That Saved a Life

Plot: Riley Curry grew up on the wrong side of the tracks. Born in Sugar Land, his only dream was to play college ball. Blake Barmore was born on the right side of the tracks, but never fit in with the other kids. He had a golden arm, but a dark and stormy heart. Shawn Thompson may have been deaf, but he could hear loud and clear with the one thing that counted . . . his heart.

They all came to college with the same dream. To play football, to win a Division III national championship, to live the glory of which they had only dreamed. At first, their differences drove them apart, but soon they learned to love one another as brothers.

By Barmore's senior season, the team was primed for success and Barmore, Curry and Thompson were closer than ever. Then disaster struck. Before the homecoming game against Millsap, Barmore lost his ability to throw the ball forward. Faced with no other choice, Coach Steve Mohr reluctantly benched Barmore in favor of backup quarterback Bryant Wilson, whom everyone knew was a total dick.

The game was close, but Trinity still trailed 24-22 in the closing seconds and Barmore was powerless to save the team he loved. Then Thompson had an idea. He walked over to the coach during the timeout and made the ASL sign for "backward." Inspired, Mohr put Barmore back into the game and called for him to lateral the ball.

The rest is history:



For some people, the one play the counts is the one we never expected.

This December, learn that going backwards may be the only way to move forward . . .

Weekly Hebdomad

Three is a magic number. Three twice is six. Six and one is seven. Se7en is a film starring Brad Pitt, Morgan Freeman, Kevin Spacey and Gweneth Paltrow's head (oops, gave away the ending). Ok, I'm done.

7. Weekly Plot:

Criminal lives illicit life guilt free. One day, Criminal meets Orphan and is forced to take her in off the street. Orphan changes Criminal, makes him see the error of his ways. Bureaucratic Forces of Good (BFC, i.e. institutions such as police force, adoption agency, etc.) threaten Orphan. In act of penitence, Criminal sacrifices self to save Orphan from BFC, helps good guys see that BFC is just as bad as Criminal and that Orphan deserves love.

6. Weekly Are You F@&king Kidding Me?:

There will DEFINITELY be a full post on this next week. Until then, make your own, unadulterated judgment . . .



5. Weekly Trailer:

"Jane was good at taking care of everyone, but she never took care of herself." Oh yes, they went there.



4. Weekly Awesome Headline:

"Vietnam vet's story resonates with filmmaker"

Almost as much as coke!

(I'm ready to be inspired . . . my nose is bleeding)

3. Weekly Smart Career Change:

Conservative commentator Norman Podhoretz has made the transition to novels with his new book, The Long Struggle Against Islamofascism, a Romance. The New York Times provides a plot synopsis:

Mr. Podhoretz, who last summer called upon President Bush to use military force to prevent Iran from developing a nuclear arsenal, writes in these pages of all the “progress” that is being made in neighboring Iraq, embraces the Bush administration’s aggressive policy of pre-emption and asserts that George W. Bush will one day be recognized “as a great president,” an heir not just to Truman but to Lincoln as well.

Not to wear my politics on my sleeve, but even Republicans should be enlivened by the fabulous world Mr. Podhoretz weaves with his painstaking and fastidious prose. Finally, a new and exciting storyteller for our generation!

2. Weekly Dig at Harry Potter:

A signed first edition of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone sold for nearly $41,000 at Christie's.

We can expect Rowling's next inscription for the reader who sold the book to read something like:

"How much do you think you'll get for this one, asshole?

Love always,
J to the K"

1. Weekly Thing You Need to Know:

Apparently, television really is to blame for social ills, just not the way you expected.

Cracking the Code

Screenwriter Akiva Goldsman is apparently working at breakneck speed to complete a script to The Da Vinci Code sequel, er, prequel, Angels and Demons. Also based on a Dan Brown novel, Angels and Demons predates The Da Vinci Code and centers on a highly plausible scenario in which a secret society called the Illuminati attempt to blow up the Vatican. Goldsman currently faces a November 1st deadline, when Hollywood writers are planning to execute their proletarian duty to strike.

(What? I'm a sucker for improbable conspiracy theories . . . and turtlenecks. I just LOVE turtlenecks!)

I think this is a cop-out. I don't care whether Dan Brown has or hasn't written a sequel to his smash hit The Da Vinci code. I mean, can't we make one up? The only thing I want to know about Robert Langdon's past is why he chose that hideous haircut. Otherwise, I live in the now. What has happened to him since his close encounter with a direct descendant of Jesus Christ? Does he have a new car? Did he lose his "symbology" chair? Did he come out of the closet like Dumbledore? I need to know!

Here's my idea for a real sequel. Call it The Klimt Code:

While visiting Salt Lake City, Robert Langdon finds himself accused of a crime he didn't commit. As he frantically scrambles to clear his name, he becomes entangled in a quest to discover a secret that could unravel the foundations of the Church of Latter Day Saints. Caught in a dangerous power play between the police, polygamists, and generally backward mountain folk, our hero must track clues left by turn of the century Austrian symbolist Gustav Klimt in order solve a historical riddle on which his life depends.

Done. Cut me in for half, Mr. Goldsman.

Love in the Time of Facebook, a Novel

MySpace is apparently working on a book with HarperCollins. This is the first time a social networking website has authored anything other than annoying chitchat and vicious gossip and probably the first time an inanimate object, an abstraction, and an ethereal collection of information has written a book. Obviously, this is all pretty momentous and this time next year I'm sure we'll discover that MySpace is also the first of those things to win a Nobel Prize in Literature (hey, if they'll give it to a sci-fi author, then why not a website?).

Obviously, Facebook cannot stand idly by and let MySpace extend into the printed word without making its own contribution. I mean, it's MySpace we're talking about. Is Facebook, inventor of the "poke,"which revolutionized social cowardice, really going to give MySpace a leg up in the social networking industry? Unlikely. I'm sure the masterminds at Facebook have dedicated themselves to writing their own book, probably with such vim and vigor that they've neglected their subtle destruction of honest, face-to-face human interaction.

Because I can't bear to let them postpone the eradication of Western civilization just to beat MySpace, I've decided to provide them with a book idea so that they can get back to the important business of replacing people with computers. Although MySpace is planning a book on the environment (and how to, like, save it or something), I suggest that Facebook stick to the novel. Way more fun to read.

Title: A Tale of Two Social Networking Platforms; or, Great Facebooktations

Plot:

Paul was just your average fifteen year old. He had a few friends, a decent life, and was ok in school. One day, he discovers the social networking platform Facebook and it sets him on an adventure that will consume the rest of his young life.

Through Facebook, he discovers that he was actually an orphan and has inherited a vast fortune from his estranged father. Dolled out in small amounts, the money allows him to attend a better university and support a lifestyle that garners him the attention of all the most popular students, including the most beautiful ladies. One of his many courtships eventually evolves into a deep love and he leaves university betrothed. Soon after graduation he is happily married.

Disaster strikes, however, when the villainous Mr. Creedy lures him onto MySpace. Unable to resist the temptations of the social networking underworld, Paul is dragged into a complex confidence scheme that deprives him of his inheritance, his wife, and his own dignity.

In the depths of his despair, he decides to look at his Facebook profile, long fallen into disuse. There he discovers that his estranged father is alive and that his "inheritance" was actually a stipend. The two meet and reconcile. Flush with cash and uplifted by rediscovered familial love, Paul regains the courage to win back his wife and reconstruct the life he previously enjoyed.

In a surprise twist ending, however, he discovers that his former wife has become pregnant by another man. Paul and his father leave her destitute, comforted only by their wealth and exaggerated sense of self-righteousness. As the book comes to a close, Paul is seen changing his "Relationship Status" on his Facebook profile to "Single."

Power Rankings

A weekly look at the bestseller lists, arbitrarily reordered according to how they SHOULD be doing (with the main criterion being how quickly I can generate a mildly amusing one-liner)

Books

1. World Without End, by Ken Follett (NYT chart position: #1)
NYT description: "Love and intrigue in Kingsbridge, the medieval English cathedral town at the center of Follett’s 'Pillars of the Earth'."

• The original description read "Plague, poor hygiene and infant mortality in Kingsbridge . . ." but it made the book seem like kind of a downer. Needless to say, the actual novel contains no themes of dubious relevance to medieval life like "love and intrigue."
  

2. Dark of the Moon, by John Sandford (NYT chart position: #5)
NYT description: "Virgil Flowers, a character from 'Invisible Prey,' investigates three murders in a small Minnesota town."

• This week's runaway winner for the "Ridiculous Fictional Name" award. Who stars in the next Sandford book? Ovid Mountains? Tacitus Sandboxes?
  

3. Run, by Ann Patchett (NYT chart position: #8)
NYT description: "Two young black men, adopted in childhood by a Boston politician, encounter their birth mother and sister."

• Wait, I'm confused. Are the birth mother and sister the same person? If so, like, what the f@%k?

4. The Gift, by Richard Paul Evans (NYT chart position: #11)
NYT description: "A child with leukemia has the gift of healing."

• There's a word for that, but, ironically, it escapes me.
  

5. Where Angels Go, by Jeff Lindsay (NYT chart position: #11)
NYT description: "Another Christmas story featuring the angels Shirley, Goodness and Mercy."

• Is it just me or did Shirley get the shaft when all the angel names got handed out? "You're Justice, you're Charity and you're . . . hm . . . Roger?"
  

Film

1. 30 Days of Night (October 19-21: #1, $15,951,9)
From the Yahoo description: "In Barrow, Alaska, the northernmost town in the U.S, the winter sun sets and does not rise for 30 days and nights. From the darkness comes an evil force that strikes terror on the town, and all hope is pinned on a husband-and-wife cop team."

• My favorite game, "[Antonym] of [Antonym]." Let me play. 30 Dreams of Nightmares, 30 Flames of Ice, 30 Icicles of Flame (ooooh), 30 Men of Women, 30 Lives of Death, 30 Fears of Hope . . . Ok, I'm bored. Guess it isn't really my favorite game.
  

2. Michael Clayton (October 19-21: #6, $6,677,272)
From the Yahoo description: "Michael Clayton is an in-house 'fixer' at one of the largest corporate law firms in New York. A former criminal prosecutor, Clayton takes care of Kenner, Bach & Ledeen's dirtiest work at the behest of the firm's co-founder Marty Bach. "

• Enough is enough. How did Jackie's boyfriend in Roseanne become a serious actor? I need to know.
  

3. Gone Baby Gone (October 19-21: #5, $5,501,406)
From the Yahoo description: "Two young private detectives are hired to take a closer look at the mysterious disappearance of a little girl and soon discover that nothing is what it seems."

• Ben Affleck directed this film. (You think I can come up with a better joke than that?)
  

4. We Own the Night (October 19-21: #7, $5,420,793)
From the Yahoo description: "Bobby Green has turned his back on the family business. The popular manager of El Caribe, the legendary Russian-owned nightclub in Brooklyn's Brighton Beach, he has changed his last name and concealed his connection to a long line of distinguished New York cops."

• Mark Wahlberg and Joaquin Phoenix. Sigh. It just brings tears to my eyes to think how great this film could have been if Donnie Wahlberg and River Phoenix were still alive. Wait, what? Donnie Wahlberg is still alive? Oh. Awkward.
  

5. Rendition (October 19-21: #, $4,060,012)
From the Yahoo description: "A thriller that centers on Isabella El-Ibrahimi, the American wife of Egyptian-born chemical engineer Anwar El-Ibrahimi, who disappears on a flight from South Africa to Washington. Isabella desperately tries to track her husband down, while a CIA analyst at a secret detention facility outside the U.S. is forced to question his assignment as he becomes party to the man's unorthodox interrogation."

• Another of the throng of contemporary political comments offered to the movie going masses. Jake Gyllenhaal predictably stars as "Extremely Earnest." Seriously, that's his name. I swear.
  

Not gay, just differently magical

The world received shocking news this past weekend. Following in the footsteps of "Ellen," another fictional character has made the courageous decision to come out of the closet. After intense deliberations with author J.K. Rowling, Albus Dumbledore, the Headmaster of Hogwarts, decided to announce to the world that he is, in fact, gay. Apparently, the signs had been there all along: the relationships that all ended at the same point, the awkward glances cast in the direction of Grindelwald, and constantly saying things like, "Roger thought I was gay. Weird, huh? I mean, me, gay? Come on. Right?"

With the conservative right likely poised to leap for Dumbeldore's throat (they were already upset with his inclination to wizardry -- another hateful lifestyle), it is going to be a hard time for him. "We're both trying to figure out how to move on," said Rowling at the press conference where she made the announcement, "But we are sure that now was the right time to tell the world something we have both known for a very long time."

In light of the legions of children addicted to the Harry Potter saga, the revelation will bring the issue of homosexuality to the fore of household discussion. Parents, many of your children are going to be asking some hard questions in the next few days. Fortunately, Creative Differences is here to help with a little primer on some of the questions you might face.

Q: What does it mean to be gay?

A: It means that you like other wizards of the same gender. Take Harry, Ron and Hermione, for example. I know that Ron winds up with Hermione. But imagine if he had liked Harry instead in, you know, that way.


Q: So what is coming out of the closet then?

A: Well, let's say Ron did like Harry, but they were worried no one would understand, so they used Harry's invisibility cape to hide their illicit trysts. Coming out is Ron saying, "You know what? I don't want to hide behind this silly cape anymore. I want people to know that I like Harry."

Q: Is being gay a choice?

A: Most people don't think so. Just like straight people, gay people say that it's just the way they are, kind of like wizards. Wizards don't choose to be able to wield magic, they just can. Think of gay people as wizards whose magic wands only respond to wizards of the same gender.

Q: Is Draco Malfoy gay?

A: Probably. He suffers from what we call repression.

Q: What's that?

A: It's complicated

Weekly Hebdomad

On the seventh day, Creative Differences rested from all the work it had done in creation and reflected on the week that was.

7. Weekly Plot:

Either I'm a genius or I'm lazy, but I'll let the the Star Wars trope I expounded yesterday take the place of the Weekly Plot.


6. Weekly Awkward Encounter with Mortality:

Doris Lessing on winning the Nobel Prize in Literature after years on the shortlist: "Either they were going to give it to me sometime before I popped off or not at all."

Umm, congrats?

5. Weekly Trailer:

The only I can be understood is through DANCE! (couldn't embed, follow link) Films like this, the first installment of Step Up and Save the Last Dance make it clear that "dance" was an element of bourgeois control Marx never truly appreciated.

4. Weekly Understatement:

"It’s one crazy night in one crazy town!" is how Apple Trailers sums up this description for the upcoming film Weirdsville:

When stoners Dexter and Royce mistakenly assume their friend Matilda has overdosed, they can’t call the cops because she’s OD’d on stolen drugs. So, they decide to bury her body themselves. Good news is she’s not dead. Bad news is she wakes up just in time to interrupt a Satanic cult performing a ritual sacrifice in the same place the guys were going to bury her. Our heroes end up on the run from the Satanists, the drug dealer they stole the stash from, and a gang of angry little people all while trying to pull off a heist of their own.

Yes, sounds like "one crazy night in one crazy town" really hits the nail on the head . . . with one of those blow-up plastic hammers that deflates on contact with edged metal.

3. Weekly Established Authors Can Get Away with Anything:

According to the New York Times, Michael Chabon's new novel, Gentlemen of the Road, was originally titled Jews with Swords. I have a feeling my draft for Jews with Swords won't sell, although I'm talking to networks about a potential sit-com pilot.

2. Weekly Postponement of Book's Death as Viable Medium:

Phew! That was a mouthful. Anyway, Publisher's Weekly reports that children are again learning to love reading . . . Harry Potter. Yeah, basically only Harry Potter.

1. Weekly Thing You Need to Know:

Generally, sit-coms are a less than fertile ground for psychoanalysis, but apparently Seinfeld really was a way for its namesake to come to grips with his nerdy past. Thank you, Parade.com, for bringing this dangerously inane story to our attention.

Star Wars, Episode VII: A New Trope

(George Lucas: maverick, innovator, owner of majestic beard)

According to the Los Angeles Times, George Lucas has decided to develop a live-action Star Wars television series based on the multibillion dollar franchise. In order to prove, however, that his mind really is stuck somewhere a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, Lucas states that the new show contains none of the familiar inhabitants of the Star Wars universe. Says Lucas, "It has nothing to do with Luke Skywalker or Darth Vader or any of those people. It's completely different."

Phew, I'm sure glad it won't have any of those people. I mean, seriously, I'm not the only person who thought Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker and all that bizarre, oedipal family drama was just window dressing for the exciting and flamboyant adventures of C-3PO and R2-D2, right?

But just in case you weirdos think focusing on minor characters that no one gives two craps about might not be successful or interesting, George Lucas wants to remind you that you're wrong, stating unequivocally that "it's a good idea, and it's going to be a lot of fun to do."

See, you Nervous Nellie? Lucas thinks it's a good idea so it must be good, just as good as his idea to cast Hayden Christensen as a young, frequently constipated Anakin Skywalker and his idea to cast Samuel L. Jackson as one of the wisest and most powerful Jedi Knights (Dark Side of the Force . . . urging me to link insane Samuel L. Jackson clips . . . cannot resist . . .).

Despite the "can't miss" appeal a vague sci-fi project that bears no relation to the original Star Wars sensation save for the name, Lucas's overtures to potential host networks have met with more reticence that excitement:

"They are having a hard time," Lucas said. "They're saying, 'This doesn't fit into our little square boxes,' and I say, 'Well, yeah, but it's "Star Wars." And "Star Wars" doesn't fit into that box.' "

Damn right, Lucas! Star Wars isn't just a cut and dried action epic, where an unlikely hero rises up to save a galaxy in peril only to discover that his own past may be darker than he ever imagined a challenge he can only overcome by resorting to the care and affection of his own motley crew of allies and friends each troubled by his or her own problems/loves/affections/interests making for endearing interpersonal dramas in the ultimate quest for triumph and redemption.

See, you can't fit that into a box. In fact, it's not only too big for a box, it's also too dense to even accommodate punctuation. Big and dense. Like Lucas's beard. Whoa.

But just in case TV execs really are dumb enough to turn down Lucas, I have a plot idea that might help the new show gain some traction in Hollywood.

Title: Leia and C-3PO
Running Time: 22 min.
Genre: Situation Comedy

Leia is just your average 20-something working in New York for the first time. C-3PO is the robot who answers her want-ad for a roommate. Leia struggles to establish herself at the advertising firm where she works while juggling her many (and hilarious) male suitors. Most turbulent is her on-again/off-again relationship with young corporate attorney Han Solo. Meanwhile, C-3PO offers no shortage of dry relationship advice while engaged in his own sexual misadventures as a young, handsome, smart robot who is only into other robots. Along the way, they'll learn a little something about love and each other. R2-D2 as C-3PO's anthropocentric friend.

Sample Dialogue:

[Interior, Leia's Apartment, Living Room]

Leia tosses herself on the couch, exhausted

C-3PO: Have you had a rough day, roomie?

Leia: There's this guy I met at work. Some young, hot-shot lawyer representing the firm. I think he might be into me.

C-3PO: Sounds like a real catch. Unless, of course, there is a catch.

[Laughter]

Leia: There is. I just don't feel like I really speak his language.

Enter R2-D2 bleeping

Leia: No, R2, he's not foreign.

[Laughter]

C-3PO: Leia, perhaps I may be of some assistance. I'm very good at reading people. I am, after all, well versed in over 3,000 forms of communication.

R2-D2 bleeps again

C-3PO: No, I suppose you're right. I am not familiar with the language of love. Where is it--? [Pauses, look of robotic confusion crosses his metallic face then turns to anger] Love isn't a language! Why you little!

[Laughter]

C-3PO chases R2-D2 around the couch in fast time while zany 1930s piano music chimes in the background.


Well, Mr. Lucas, what do you think? I say it's a good start. Otherwise, the only other viable plot I can imagine would center on Star Wars fan favorite Admiral Ackbar. This clip says it all:

Power Rankings: Nobel Prize Edition!

Although the dearth of new films and books has made Power Rankings something of a challenge this week, Creative Differences has turned misfortune into opportunity by deciding to recognize the 2007 Nobel Laureates in a very special Power Rankings. That's right, today we will honor the men and women who have worked tirelessly to better humankind by glibly mocking one-sentence summaries of their work.

1. Gerhard Ertl, Chemistry
Prize awarded "for opening up the hidden world of surface chemistry to investigation."

• Look, fair enough, by why didn't Peter Tompkins and Christopher Bird win for opening up the secret world of plants? God, the Nobel Foundation is so political. And anthropocentric.

2. Albert Fert and Peter Grünberg, Physics
Prize awarded "for discovering the effect underlying data storage on most hard disks."

• According to the Nobel Foundation's "Information for the Public," Fert and Grünberg invented something called "Giant Magnetoresistance." What it didn't explain is that Giant Magnetoresistance is also slated to be the super villain in Spider Man 4. I'm not sure what his power is, but it sounds kind of scary.

3. Leonid Hurwicz, Eric Maskin, and Roger Myerson, Economics
Prize awarded "for extending the range of tools for economic analysis."

• Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'm sure they earned the Nobel Prize in Economics. What I want to know is who won the Nobel Prize in Freakanomics.

4. Doris Lessing, Literature
Prize awarded for work which "extends from the realistic to the fabulous."

• What that means is that her work went from expounding profound social insights to describing intergalactic relations with Planet 8, a world far away from Earth. Whoever wrote that blurb should win the Nobel Prize for Euphemism.

5. Al Gore and the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, Peace
Prize awarded "for informing the world of the dangers posed by climate change."

• Shouldn't this award also go to the makers of The Day After Tomorrow?

(Statue of Liberty? You mean climate change happened to our planet? Damn you! Damn you all to hell!)

6. Mario R. Capecchi, Martin J. Evans, and Oliver Smithies, Medicine
Prize awarded for "producing specific genetic alterations in mice."

• Yeah, genetic manipulation is all fun and games with mice, but remember what happened to the Galactic Republic when Senator Palpatine was given free reign to experiment with genetics?

(Not even Star Wars fans are aware that Stormtroopers are actually just an army of mutant mice. Why else do you think they never take off those silly masks?)

Power Rankings on hiatus

No power rankings today, but tune in tomorrow for "Power Rankings: Nobel Prize Edition"

Boldly going where 10 other films have gone before

I was startled to read this article announcing that Eric Bana was selected to play the lead villain in the upcoming Star Trek film. Why? Well, certainly not because it's noteworthy that the wholesome and handsome Bana (who nevertheless should not be trusted because of his aptitude to transform into a green monster when angry) will appear in the film. If you can play Hector, then you can play a Star Trek villain, so long as you're noble and not treacherous.

What really surprised me is that there's a new Star Trek film in the works and I didn't even know about it. My nerd antennae are pretty well tuned to the dark nerd undercurrents flowing beneath the coke filled, surgically enhanced media mainstream. Needless to say, I'm pretty embarrassed.

To my delight, the tentative plot for the as yet untitled film revolves around a young Captain James T. Kirk during his student years at "Starfleet Academy." I love when movies go for the "young" angle, as if we're desperate to know just what the child versions of our imaginary heroes are like. To anyone who would say that such plots are derivative gimmicks that try and capitalize on the popularity of certain iconic action heroes, I offer a two-fold response. First, you're ugly. Second, you're telling me you didn't enjoy the opening to Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, when River Phoenix boldly recovered the "Cross of Coronado" from bandits? Yes, the odd aside seemed superfluous at the time, an attempt to work rising star Phoenix into the project, but how else would we have learned where Indy's hat originated?

Apparently, there is talk of actor Chris Pine to play Kirk. This would mark an interesting evolution for the Kirk role and I'm not sure if Pine can imitate William Shatner's bizarre vocal cadence and latex defying physique. Of course, a creative plot might easily dispense with these problems in a couple ways. First, they could have him zapped by some bizarro alien device
that messes up his speech permanently. I mean, it is Star Trek, right? Second, they could afflict him with an eating problem that has him constantly demanding pastries from the replicator, much to Spock's disgust.

(Captain, I find your habit of eating ham and swiss wedged between two jelly donuts most illogical.)

Of course, this wouldn't be Creative Differences if I didn't actually suggest a few plot ideas to the Star Trek XI production team. Obviously, the whole Starfleet Academy plot allows me to play with my favorite cinematic genre.

Star Trek XI: Starfleet Academy: In the classic Police Academy mold, this film captures all the zany pranks and hijinks that abound at Starfleet Academy. That's right, Spock getting swirlies, Kirk smuggling in beer, and everyone trying to get laid. Steve Guttenberg cameos as an instructor.

Star Trek XI: Fast Times at Starfleet Academy: same as above, only slightly more serious and sexual.

Star Trek XI: Bring the Final Frontier On: Spock wants to cheerlead for Starfleet Academy, Scotty won't let him, Kirk just wants to get laid. All three are about to embark on one wild ride to the Intergalactic Cheerleading Championships. Hearts will be broken, love will bloom, Kirk will not get laid.

Star Trek XI: 10 Things I Hate about Starfleet Academy: Spock wants Kirk. Kirk wants Sulu. Sulu just wants to graduate. And Starfleet Academy is about to go under. Can Uhura come up with a plan to save the Academy and make sure everyone finds true love?

Star Trek XI: The Replicator Club: Kirk is a brooding loner, a maverick who can't handle authority. Spock just wants to be cool, but studies to win dad's approval. Uhura is tired of being so popular. Scotty's accent is really annoying. But when all four of them are stuck cleaning the replicators one morning before breakfast, they learn they're not all so different . . . and that life isn't so bad.