Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Screen Surfer

I just watched 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer, sequel to the much maligned Fantastic Four, on TV-Links (possibly the greatest website ever) and have to admit that, yes, everyone was right, it was fairly terrible. But I will say that I really do enjoy the celebrity status the Fantastic Four enjoy (or, as the plot of the film suggests, don't enjoy -- at least not unanimously). Sure, it can be fun to see superheroes like the X-Men live in secret or laugh and cry with alter egos like Peter Parker (Spiderman) and Bruce Wayne (Batman). Yet in this day and age, you really have to wonder if superheroes could keep themselves secret and, more interestingly, whether or not they would really want to do so. Johnny Storm (the Human Torch) is portrayed as being in love with his iconic presence in public and spends much of the film's early minutes scheming for more endorsements. In some ways, that's my kind of superhero. Why risk life and limb if you're not going to be adored, both publicly and in the form of sex and money?

This gave me the idea that it might be fun to devise a film or television show that imagines what real-life celebrities might be like if they had super powers. We could call it Supercelebrities or Celebrityheroes or something appropriately stupid like that. They would constantly be rushing from a movie set to foil a bank robbery or saving fans at a major premiere from a scheming supervillain. The celebrities -- well, their characters -- would get a kick out of actually providing a worthwhile service to the public and the public -- well, the extras who play them -- would enjoy still another reason to adore celebrities.

Here are some possible characters:

Brad Pitt as THE CUPID, with the power to make any woman love him and, more importantly, the related power to avoid censure for his indiscretions

George Clooney as TRANSFORMO, who, following his successful transition from television to film, can actually transform televisions into anything, like ducks or balls of fire

Julia Roberts as OVERRATED GIRL, with the ability to dazzle anyone into believing she is both beautiful and a competent actress

Julia Stiles as THE ANCHOR, able to weigh down any script, no matter how well written

Denzel Washington as THE ACCEPTABLE MINORITY, infiltrating society as the black man white people love to tolerate and then use as a foil to make their racist inclinations seem more reasonable

Ben Affleck as JUDGE DREADFUL, sort of like Judge Dredd except that he has the power to take any role irrespective of the obvious damage it will inflict on his career

Alicia Silverstone as THE INVISIBLE GIRL, no seriously, what happened to her?