Power Rankings

A weekly look at the bestseller lists, arbitrarily reordered according to how they SHOULD be doing (with the main criterion being how quickly I can generate a mildly amusing one-liner)

Books

1. Devil May Cry, by Sherrilyn Kenyon (NYT chart position: #2)
NYT description: "A former Sumerian god, now a casino owner, must cooperate with the servant of the goddess who stole his powers; the 11th Dark-Hunter novel."

• This book probably could have been titled Reader May Cry.
  

2. Sandworms of Dune, by Brian Herbert and Kevin J. Anderson (NYT chart position: #4)
NYT description: "The resolution of the war between man and machine; the concluding novel of the Dune series, based on Frank Herbert’s final outline."

• Brian Herbert actually found a note at the top of his father's outline that read "Dear Brian, my last wish is that you not publish this drivel!" Thanks to Kevin J. Anderson, those sections have been edited out of the final manuscript.
  

3. Spook Country, by William Gibson (NYT chart position: #6)
NYT description: "A musician/journalist, a spy and an addict/cryptographer push back against bureaucracy, history and technology."

• It's pretty cool how Gibson combines character types. Here are some others he could try: single mother/weapons specialist, homeless guy/nuclear physicist, stripper/Navy SEAL, and copy editor/Lasik eye surgeon. Think of all the cool missions these guys could pull off, though they'd doubtlessly be weighed down by the pressures of their respective life situations. I smell compelling fiction!
  

4. Walking with Enemies, by Eric Jerome Dickey (NYT chart position: #9)
NYT description: "In London, Gideon struggles to outsmart an assassin; a sequel to 'Sleeping With Strangers.'."

• The third book in the trilogy is called Running with Scissors, where Gideon must outwit cliched safety conventions. In the riveting climax, he will be challenged to jump off a bridge because his best friend has just done so.
  

5. Fourth Comings, by Megan McCafferty (NYT chart position: #16)
NYT description: "After graduation, Jessica Darling moves to New York."

• And if that move wasn't surprising enough, Darling takes her readers on a no holds barred roller coaster ride through the New York property market. Can she find a one bedroom with good financing options in time?
  

Film

1. Superbad (August 17-19: #1, $33,042,411)
From the Yahoo description: "Two co-dependent high school guys want to hook up with girls before they graduate and go off to different colleges, but, after a calamitous night just trying to buy alcohol for a school party, overcoming their separation anxiety becomes a greater challenge than getting the girls."

• Maybe they should have called this film Superbad instead of . . . oh wait. Shit, there goes that joke.
  

2. The Invasion (August 17-19: #5, $5,951,409)
From the Yahoo description: "The mysterious crash of the space shuttle leads to the terrifying discovery that there is something alien within the wreckage."

• And the mysterious crash of this film at the box office leads to the terrifying discovery that it is terrifyingly terrible.

3. I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry (August 17-19: #10, $3,601,545)
From the Yahoo description: "But when an overzealous, spot-checking bureaucrat becomes suspicious, the new couple's arrangement becomes a citywide issue and goes from confidential to front-page news. Forced to improvise as love-struck newlyweds, Chuck and Larry must now fumble through a hilarious charade of domestic bliss under one roof."

• Why are overzealous, spot-checking bureaucrats always the enemies in films? Whenever a bureaucrat causes me a headache, it's because he's under-zealous and only checking the spots on his shirt from the lunch he spilled a week ago. I'd like to see a film where a horde of overzealous, spot-checking bureaucrats invades. It would be called Dawn of the Everything Got Done Efficiently and without a Hassle.
  

4. The Last Legion (August 17-19: #12, $2,746,312)
From the Yahoo description: "Rome, 476 AD. The Roman Empire, a mighty force for almost 500 years, is being threatened."

• Uh-oh. Can tyranny be saved?

5. Death at a Funeral (August 17-19: #17, $1,282,973)
From the Yahoo description: "On the morning of their father's funeral, the family and friends of the deceased each arrive with his or her own roiling anxieties."

• "Look," said the producer to the screenwriter, "I'll level with you. Your script sucks. It was so bad, I vomited just before you came in. But right now we're desperate. Can you at least give me an ironic title? According to research, irony is really hot right now."